Flight's Thread #2

[Flight]

RAI and Sandi, yes, yes and yes. You have me pegged.

I have a document I created and I cut and paste the things I really need to hear and put them in it. I have started to study it. I helps me. Even the hard to hear parts. I am driven by fear and having a lot of trouble consistently avoiding that as my motivation.

Of course a lot of LBH's DO believe this...

Do you not believe her? Do you think you know her real feelings better than she knows herself? Do you think you can persuade her to stay in the M and that she'll change her mind?

Where is the line between, "waiting for her to come out of the fog" and being an arrogant, controlling husband who thinks he knows better?

It sounds like separation is the only answer

[Flight]

I don't know if I can maintain the strength to do what I have to do. But looking at my situation objectively, I know what to do. If I knew intimately this same story with a sibling or close friend, I know what I would tell them to do. My feelings get in the way.

I talked with her a bit today and frankly, she is just an entitled, self-deluded cheater. She has a pattern and when things don't go her way, she blames her husband and relationshp and then meets someone else. Then says it wasn't the someone else, it was the horrible relationship.

Like I said, I take personal responsibility for my actions and my part and hurting our relationship. If she was "weak" and "fell" because I damaged her trust and she didn't feel happy in the marriage, I get the weak part. But she had plenty of other choices. Nothing excuses infidelity. I do not control her choices and the relationship didn't make her do it.

Today, she just cemented her entitled thinking and very strange and severe ideas about gender roles. As Sandi asked, (paraphrasing) "who would want to be with someone who says they don't love them and could never be intimate with them again?" Well, let me expand on that and ask, "Why would I invest more effort in someone emotionally unequipped to maintain a healthy relationship and who is at her core level, untrustworthy?"

The fact that she takes absolutely no personal responsibility for the affair, and even now has gone back to saying it wasn't an affair because it wasn't pre-meditated, shows such a warped world view that I can't imagine ever coming out of the "fog". I think she has always been in the fog about life and love and the affair is just one symptom of it.

The silly romantic in me says separate and keep the home fires burning and be nice and maintain a connection so that when she falls again, she will fall into my arms. The other part of me want to treat her like "War of the Roses" and go out of my way to be as cold and mean to her as she has been to me.

[Sotto]

Hi Flight, I think there is some middle ground between these two:

"The silly romantic in me says separate and keep the home fires burning and be nice and maintain a connection so that when she falls again, she will fall into my arms. The other part of me want to treat her like "War of the Roses" and go out of my way to be as cold and mean to her as she has been to me."

For example, you could choose to separate if that's what you want. Equally, rather than keep the home fires burning, you could leave the door open a tiny bit for a possible future R at some point. But rather than her 'falling into your arms' - there would be a clear boundary about doing any work needed to repair the damage caused by poor choices on her part.

Also, remember that a "War of the Roses" approach hurts you both. However, I agree on taking due steps to protect your own interests in any legal process, and doing that firmly and fairly.

It sounds as though two opposing parts are battling within you and the pendulum swings between them - but somewhere in the middle is probably the right place to aim for...

Xx

[Flight]

It really is a war inside myself. Not sure if it would accomplish anything, but there are legal remedies in my state against the OM, and I am tempted to bring suit against him just on principle.

[Flight]

Time to not just move forward, but move on. I am tired and will leave it to a lawyer to sort out with her.

[Flight]

Pretty much at NC now. If she says something I don't like, I just ignore her. I only reward her by my attention if she is respectful. Spoke to several attorneys and going to narrow down which one to help me with the two legal actions I intend to pursue. Feeling stronger and more empowered. Maybe I will change my screen name to "no more tears"

[pinn]

best of luck flight... good to hear you are feeling stronger

[Flight]

So now the big question is what to I do as part of getting my own life. We have been at this over a year now and if anything with us still living together, things have grown colder. Even when we have a moment of connection, she rethinks it later and we are back to square one. She is really desperate to be separated and to be able to go and find out if the EA she had is true love. He is waiting for her.

So now I can sell the house, which I don't want to do, or refi and figure out a way to get her at least enough money for her to leave. She insists she must purchase a new home for herself. That would seem to put the final nail in our coffin, though anything is possible 6 months down the road, I suppose.

My last option is something I have been pondering for a long time. I just want there to be some accountability for all this. In my state, I can sue the AP. That will probably remove any chances of reconciling once I do that, but it will bring everything out in the open and give me closure. Thoughts?

[trumpet]

Do you like the house?

There are always other houses.

Let her go, Flight. She is ready to make mistakes. Let her. It's really hard, you've been married a while. For me, 15 years.

I was ready to let my W go. She filed a D, and it took 24 hours for her to realize it wasn't the right idea.

Maybe it will take months or years for her to realize that her princess complex needs to be put in a box and shipped down the river. Maybe she'll find OM puts up with her crap.

Either way, it sounds like you're in the right spot. I had gotten to a spot in my marriage that seeing her go would have been hard, but I was so ready to see another side of me, and find love again with someone.

Don't sue the AP. That's your anger talking. No reason to do it except for spite. And if you have money to burn...

[sandi2]

I understand there may be times to just ignore something you may not like. However, the problem about just ignoring something she says or does that shows disrespect is that she only sees it as you being passive. For a nice-guy type, ignoring the issue is not very successful in a long term R.

A lot of couples live out the rest of their years in that type of environment. I hope you choose not to live that way.