Time for a new direction

[mleigh4]

You got it Cali! At this point, I am so ready for a reason to throw in the towel, that the fears I used to have have faded quite a bit. My confidence in knowing the truth always comes out and I will be fine is very strong.

Truth is, I need some nuggets to have a reason to keep standing for H. I need those random peek outs. By holding H at bay, I feel I have eliminated that possibility. I have not been ready for casual contact with H, but I believe that is changing....I suppose as we change our needs change.

I have built a whole new world and life for myself, and have been very wary of letting H in. Fact is, I am happy having my solo home, and it seems to be working for H as well. H wants to do family time, so if I am happy with my living sitch and in no hurry for him to come home, why keep him at bay, lose that family time for S, and keep myself from seeing peek outs? For some reason lately, it seems clearer to me. As long as I can do this without expectations, and truly just enjoy the time for the moment, (which I was not able to do for a long time), it's the only way I see possible for any type of reconnection. Having fun together, laughing together, is a truly attractive thing. I consider myself lucky to have this opportunity, I think it's time to appreciate it.

Back to taking day by day, but having the door a bit more open. I will see how this works for me.