LBH w/ a WXW after the D - now what

[gs9]

Her last message yesterday said "FYI I'll be staying at the house tonight. The movers are coming early and I don't want to have to rush over in the morning."

I didn't respond. No idea what I'm walking into tonight. Did she buy her house? IDK. Will she still be at my house? IDK. Will her parents be there too? IDK. Surprise, surprise, surprise. How empty will the house be? IDK lol

[fade]

Her attacks are either a) her lashing out in defensiveness because she is feeling guilty, b) trying to continue to exert control over you by showing that she can influence your emotions, c) her trying to cause you to lash out and give her ammo, d) her rewriting the narrative to fit her internal rationalizations, or e) all of the above. Note that none of these reasons is actually about you.

Whatever her motivation, the best response is to not let it bother you and not respond to the crazy. If she sends a 3 page tirade that has some unilateral decision regarding your kid's schedule hidden in the middle, respond only to the schedule change, ignore the rest. The more you respond the more it ramps up. If you ignore it, she will give up eventually.

Also, as far as the kids school, I suggest you take the initiative and sign her up for your preferred school as early as you possibly can. It will be up to your ex to try to change the status quo. If she is really going to be moving 20 minutes away, that's her decision and she can do the driving unless she can convince a judge to change the school registration for the sole reason to force you to drive instead of her. There's very little chance of that happening.

Good luck!

[gs9]

Fade
Thank you very much. I believe it to be e) all of the above. this is definitely not anything new. there is even another layer f) she projects her wrongs on others deflecting any wrong that could possibly be her fault therefore needing to accept no responsibility for her words or actions.

I wish she was as well as she claims to be.

I've been doing my best to ignore her attacks for most of our M. It's hard. But you are right. It's not about me.

[Cristy]

Hello GS9,

How did it go last night? Did the movers come today? I've been thinking about you and hope you are staying strong.

You are absolutely right not to take the bait when she is on the attack.

Hang in there!

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[gs9]

Thanks Cristy,
It went ok. I asked to get D4
She said "I'm still in the middle of moving. We would rather keep her with us. The house is a mess right now. You shouldn't stay there tonight I don't think."

I replied " Ok. Can I pick her up from daycare tomorrow and drop her off to you Saturday morning. I have Saturday morning commitments."

She said "Yes, of course."
We agreed on a place and time.

She said " The house is a mess right now there's really no place to sleep or anything. I thought you were leaving town for the weekend so I was just planning on working on it tomorrow, Saturday and maybe even Sunday. I don't know where you and D4 can sleep."

I replied. "we'll just camp on the floor"

So, what am I seeing. Dr Jekyll for sure. She's looking out for my well being by telling me the house is mess and she doesn't think I should stay there. She is also telling me she is going to spend several days cleaning up the mess. She knows that the house being empty of her stuff and being a mess would be really hard on me so I think she is trying to make it easier.
I can see she is trying to be better. But Mr Hyde just showed his face 2 days ago.

[gs9]

House is pretty empty. Clean slate to do everything the way I like it. My style......whatever that is?

Where to start. No couch, tv, bed, washer, dryer, most of the furniture gone.....perfect for a clean start.....she even took most of the food. ha

[gs9]

More interesting messages from WXW.
Sunday I went to the 9 am church service with a friend. We drove together but did not sit together. We did things to purposely try to not run into WXW. We parked on the south side of the church and used the south doors. WXW normally parks on the north side. I usually go at 9am WXW usually goes at 11am. Anyway about an hour after church I received these msgs from WXW
"LOL! Haha we saw you with your girlfriend!"

I didn't respond

" Premarital sex, jumping into another relationship. Leaving town? You're a liar and hypocrite. God knows! Haha. Sending me scriptures. Hypocrite! Liar!

I didn't respond

7 hours later
"Through the last 3 or so months I've been thinking we could be great. That we would be an awesome family. Never again. Many of the issues I've had with our marriage have been women....emailing women at work, refusing to talk about past relationships. Always women, women, women. And again....another woman. I hope she's worth it because I want NOTHING to do with you. Don't ever touch me again, never. I am so thankful to be divorced from you. You're the same completely incapable of being alone, trainwreck you've always been. You're so weak and sick you latch onto anything, including the stupid Bi*** you're with now. Good luck to her....you'll trash her the way you do everyone else around you.....expect D4. I'll never ever let you hurt her. Ever."

I didn't respond.

Same old BS. She's making things up. Rewriting history. Blaming others. Attacking. Not accepting responsibility. She says she has thought for 3 months we could be great. We've only been D'd for 5 weeks. And she wanted the D. I told her the week of our D I didn't want it and would work on us.

She is also taking the things she has been doing (premarital sex, boyfriends, inappropriate relationships and accusing me of doing it)

I don't have a girlfriend and have not been having sex. I also have not entertained these conversations when she has accused me of such.

I think she is getting closer to hitting bottom. She believes I have a girlfriend. I'm not talking to her. She has finally moved out. She's grasping and blaming.

[trumpet]

gs9, this is your EX-wife, right?

It really sounds like she has lots of unresolved issues. It does take two to tango, so I'm sure there's some blame to float your way.

However, could it be that she now realizes her fantasy is gone? And she's so angry at herself (can't see it) that she has to push the anger on you?

I'm really sorry gs9. Get the help you need. I pray she will find the help she needs in time.

[gs9]

Yes this is my Ex wife.....Wayward ex wife = WXW. She told me November, about a month prior to our D finalizes that she sees us getting D'd, having our own homes, I would call her to go for a date, we would see couples counseling, then there may be a new proposal, ring and ceremony. I told her I was willing to work on the M now and if she followed through with the D I was done.

I think she's realizing she's losing me. But she is still not taking the steps to reconcile. No apology, no remorse...etc..

[otw]

g
question for you. You keep saying she is not taking any steps to reconcile. while i understand this, what steps are you taking?
Do you believe that just telling her you wanted to work on the marriage were your steps.

I am not pushing one way or another here, just questions. Maybe for me to learn a little about myself as well.