B's 10-Week Bootcamp

[Bfice3]

Hell DB Forum. Been kinda quiet lately. Things have been really tough for me the past couple of weeks. Ever since the WW has come back from her trip, I'm just not coping with myself that well. I've been pretty depressed and spent about 5 days just ignoring basically everyone and anything. I'm starting to force myself out of my funk, and have started going to the library and am sitting here currently, just so I'm out and around other people in the real world.

Had a quick interaction with the WW this morning. She was turning in a registration form for the kids school for next year, and asked me to meet her in the parking lot after I dropped off the kids this morning. So, I did. I got all dressed up, was looking great, and was planning on being positive (for myself) and was going to work hard on not letting her affect me. I pulled up and she got out with the paperwork in hand and walked up to my car in such a way that it made me feel like getting out of my car was not what she wanted, so I just rolled the window down. She handed me the sheet and pointed where to sign without saying anything like hello or good morning. I glanced at the form quickly just to make sure it was not some trick, and then signed it. She said she didn't say that we were separated because she didn't want people to know. Basically, I sat there and didn't say a word. I handed her the forms and she gave me this big fake smile (like intentionally fake, almost smirkish) and I think I kinda made some movement with my lips and she said bye and walked away. That was it.

I just don't know what I'm supposed to be doing here. I don't have interactions that are that cold and emotionless with complete strangers on the street. I know that God has his own plans and ideas for what is going to happen, and I suppose that its possible that this marriage could be saved...but I just don't see it.

What is it that would make someone be in love with or long for someone that they don't even like?

Why do I give this woman so much power over me?

She hasn't given me any love...possibly ever. Does that change? What I mean is, if she gets with her new man is she going to change into a person who gives love freely? Does that happen? Am I just the type of person who made her incapable of giving love? I mean, I know that I have and have had major issues with codependency that have blurred a lot of the ideas of who and what I thought I was. But, in general, I'm a good guy, people seem to like me. I feel like I make a great companion. I deserve to be happy and be loved...whether or not that ever happens, I don't know...but for now I'll settle for simply not feeling this...I don't know what it is. Is this love? I don't think so. Do I love her? I don't think so. Do I love her but I'm just so hurt by her lack of love for me that anger covers up any ability for me to love her? Maybe. All I do know is that something inside me hurts and it hurts really, really bad.

I know its not healthy to think and act like this, but I'm not pursuing her. I have no contact with her anymore. Practically zero. And when I do have contact I end up in a worse mood than I was in beforehand. She's like a storm cloud that's made just for me.

Yay.

This is the point where I realize that I thought I was going to be able to say something poignant, but realize that its just sad and depressing.

You know, coming to this site depresses the hell out of me. But, its one of the only places I can go and feel not completely out of place.

A couple of mornings ago I had breakfast with a guy and he was telling me how envious he was of my situation. It totally threw me off guard. I want to optimistic...but the future just looks so bleak.

Oh well...that's enough for now.