This past week has been pretty uneventful, at least on the surface and as I gave it some thought I realize I had a few tests tossed at me that old Cali would have taken bait and reacted, the person I am now …. I feel like an old war vet, I can hear the mortars coming in before they even hit and I will either get up and move out of the way long before the explosion, or with the expereineced ear I realize I am far enough from the blast zone I will not get any shrapnel. Couple things .. Wednesday W went to the gym with ‘friend’ … she had also gone Saturday. I could easily spin and get worked up but why … she will do as she does regardless and to this point she could have easily chased him as OM2 long before trying to patch things up with me. Does it bother me .. a little as I do not think the relationship with him is ‘good’ for our M, but at this point there is still no M so no sense brining that up to someone still in crisis and doing what she wants. This ‘friend’ was there during the entire replay episode and seemed to support W during this phase and I suspect his angle was to be the friend that may turn into more .. bottom line I do not trust him. Now this could very well just be me and my hurts speaking out as he and OM have several similarities …. My approach currently, not a battle I need to fight right now as we are nowhere near reconciliation and when and if we do get there I do hope I can have an honest conversation with W about how I feel about this. Other hot button thing was she ran out to her car to ‘make a phone call’ …. I have no idea who she called nor why she required her privacy, one could spin and think OM, OM2 … Easter Bunny, Santa … who knows but I was surprised with the fact I really did not care … I have arrived at a point I do not trust her but I do trust I will find out if something is headed towards A. Truth is looking at the past several years she has hurt me to the point I have had to rebuild myself and continue to do so, not to say she still cannot hurt me …. But she has not been cold/distant as she would IF there was someone else in the picture. Again … I noticed more about how I am handling these things more than what she is actually doing or not doing.
So as I have shared .. the mornings have been nice, almost borderline normal as she has seen me off every day this week with a hug, toes on my feet … those little things. Even this morning she mentioned she was going to grab a salad at this place that is close to my work, funny .. I just looked at her as I typically just listen and STFU, her look changed and she said “ya know .. just figured ….” I asked then if she would like to meet for lunch figuring this was a coded invitation .. she said Yes but we would have to eat quickly. I am not counting on lunch but thought it was nice she seemed to reach out a bit more as she has slowly been doing all week.
I have a few things going on/coming up. My lease is up on my vehicle and I have really been thinking about a new truck, I could use it for work and it would really be nice with S turning 9 in a week as he and I discussed last night he wants to take more trips, camp, fish, just BOY stuff. I laugh … many of you may not know I was born and reaised in Nebraska … this little kid has ALL that in him and more and just loves the outdoors stuff. So regardless of Ws remarks (I had mentioned I am thinking about a truck … she does not approve) I am really thinking about it, thinking I can get into one for about the same amount of what I am paying now .. time will tell should know about this next week.
My GALS are about to crank up, Ss baseball starts and I coach, so that’s 2 nights a week, I have Softball in 2 weeks which locks up Thursdays, Football in the same timeframe on Sundays (Which will have me attending mass Saturday evenings here and there) and I still have my Gig on Friday night. I will be a busy guy and I am looking forward to that, will give me some space from W as she continues her journey. I think it’s good for me, living my life and doing my thing and she will do what she will.
The lease is up in the condo we are in come May. Financially I will be in a good place because either way I will be in my own place, or maybe we find a small house to rent. Nothing has been mentioned to this point but I cannot help to at least plan for either option in my mind. I do know one thing, I am not going to live there past May … W may want to extend the lease there and if she does that is her choice, living there for me comes with the bag of triggers knowing the A and OM were in full bloom, I have handled it to this point but I am just not going to expose myself to the constant reminders especially if we are not actively working on the M …. It’s very much a ‘Don’t ask Don’t tell’ approach for me, W may induce mini R talks here or there but that seems based on how far I seem to pull away from her and usually leans towards D talk …. My stance on that has never changed other than calling her bluff on it. At this point I am good either way, I do know and realize she is not able to work on the M because she has so much work to do on herself, this seems to be done in small chunks with long rest periods in between ….. I feel like a fisherman looking at the bobber in the middle of the lake, little nibble here, little nibble there but I sit here patiently, even stubbornly to see if I can reel the fish in praying it will be a keeper.
