bttrfly asks "regarding wife's request for alone time before the funeral ... is there any way you can simply put her off" Yes, I tried to put off W - here is how our convo went:
W calls me and tells me she only has 30 seconds to talk. She asks what I am doing after Dad's funeral tomorrow. I tell her there is a reception at the church, and then Mom's neighbors are throwing a gathering after this at Mom's home (which is 15 minutes away.).
W asks if I am going to the gathering, and I tell her "yes". (I thought I dodged the bullet.)
W then asks if I really want to have s14 after the funeral. I tell "yes, I really want s14 for the long weekend" - he has Monday off again.
So she called me again a minute later - I joked that "I thought your 30 seconds was up." She ignored me. But this is when she asks if she could see me 30 minutes before the visitation, and I agreed. W has been supportive during this process, she continues to tell me she loves my Dad - she has suffered a loss too. So I don't think she would be intentionally thoughtless or mean to me at this meeting.
But she may be unintentionally thoughtless, and just wanting to say something that makes her feel better. I don't know. I am not afraid of this meeting, I just want to focus on the loss of my Father and my family, and not have any drama. We will see what is in store.
On my last episode, W wanted to meet me at the church a half hour before the visitation began - what was the reason? Was there a nefarious plot underfoot?
No, it was all good. W flew in d19 from Boston as a surprise for the family. It was great seeing her, and d21, who is closest to d19, was so excited to see her sister. It was a great surprise.
My Father's funeral was good. It was a dream sermon given by my nephew(who is a Pastor) for a husband standing for his marriage. Nephew thanked my Father and my Mom for their faithfulness in 63 years of marriage. He went into detail of how difficult it is for marriages to survive in our world today.
Then nephew gave the 'Road to Romans' explanation of salvation - beginning with how we are all miserable sinners, who fall short of God's standard. We all deserve punishment, yet God's plan is how we are rescued from what we deserve. Thru faith in His Son, the Son's righteousness is transferred to us, and God's anger at our sin is poured out into His Son on the Cross. It was real fire and brimstone stuff.
Then nephew explained what a solid man of faith my Dad was. How my Dad's talks with nephew showed how important his faith was, and how important Dad's family (us) having faith was to him. It was great, and I was praying for W and my children the whole time (I was saved over 20 years ago by attending a Bible study my Dad asked me to attend.)
There were nice photos/ video playing showing some past happy times. W was very kind and supportive of me. W's 90 year old Father and 5 of her sisters also showed up which was unexpected and very nice.
At the end, FiL came up to me as he was about to leave, and shook my hand and said "congratulations". Sometimes people going thru Alzheimer's can say odd things, but I took this as a small sign from above to keep standing for our marriage. He said the same thing the day we were married.
I have had s14 here the past couple of days (he has today off from school.) It was fun watching yesterday's football games together. But he just told me something that made me sad.
S14 said he watched the movie 'Click' last night (Adam Sandler), and he said it made him sad. The movie is about a man who finds a remote control that lets him fast forward thru bad times, like fights with his wife. And one of the characters ends us fast forwarding thru his whole life.
Now I did not remember the movie as being sad, so I asked s14 why he thought it was sad. And he mentioned the part of fast forwarding thru his who life, and that the Adam Sandler character ends up "giving the finger" to his wife's new husband.
I then told s14 that I am glad I haven't met W's om yet. And he said I would hate him. He also said "Mom doesn't even like him." All om does is talk about himself, and he confirmed he is not bright, and racist.
S14 said he told Mom to break up with om, but Mom said she couldn't b/c they would end up on the streets. Ouch!
I don't know what to do with this new information. But my dislike of om grows. And the conflict is still there, om is also responsible for keeping a roof over W and s14's head. Double ouch!!
How much do I help W start the divorce process, if at all? Here's a quick version of the backstory:
I told W a few months back that I did not want the divorce, but that if she wanted it she would have to do all the work herself. She was put on a list for free legal aid, and for some reason she was recently moved to the top.
This past Monday my Mom (and brother and sister) asked if I wanted my Father's truck b/c he passed away. I did, and I decided to give W my van. We were going to my Mom's today to do the swap.
W called me to tell me one of her best friends just attempted suicide. B/c of this she wanted to see if we could then go now to transfer the vehicles. W then told me that she was moved up on the free divorce attorney list, but she had to get her paperwork in this week - and can we just sit down together and fill out the paperwork together? If she does not complete it this week, she loses her free attorney.
I laughed. I told her I would give her the Child Support Court order entered a couple of years ago, and I said this probably had most of the information she needs.
Of course W should go be with her hospitalized friend and not stress out by working on divorce papers to get the divorce started now.
It does not look like the transfer of vehicles will happen today. Should I just email the Child Support Order to W and see what happens? Or do I just hold tight and see if W can get this completed on her own?
Since it appears that she's got a lot on her plate today, I would sit quietly and when she asks for it again, then send it to her.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm sorry that it looks like the divorce is going to take place. I hope that she can find that "illusive" happiness that she thinks is on the other side of divorce, but it's just more of the same. She'll probably be euphoric for about 6 months and then everything will come crashing down and back to reality that she has nothing left to fight for and hopefully then she'll begin to focus on her own situation.
Please take care of yourself. You've had a lot to deal w/as well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ouch!
