Ebbs and flows

[SciDad]

Posting to rant/vent, mainly out of frustration at myself.

I say I'm going to be strong, going to not read into everything. But am I fooling myself if I still have those thoughts and actively turn them off? To help me I'm going to first use this board to identify triggers, and my quick thoughts on why I think they bother me. Any thoughts/2x4s are welcome

Things that bug me:

1) I want so badly to play PI and track my wife in the act of something nefarious. Maybe because I want resolution? Maybe because I want an excuse to yell at her? I think my time is better spent analyzing why I feel compelled to do this, but it bugs me that my mind even goes there.

2) The positive changes she's made recently have all been things I've been nagging her about for years, but now she attributes them to the kind words of the OM. WTF? Why didn't she hear it when I said these same things? Will she ever hear me?

3) When she is nice to me I feel the need to question why (to myself). Buttering me up to make it easier for her? Or genuine caring? Obviously this is my insecurity talking, and a circumstance of being in chronic limbo

4) My wife's panties. She only wears her nice, lacy ones when she goes to work. I get the plain cotton or workout ones. My mind immediately thinks that shes wearing the nice ones to show someone special (OM), but maybe she just feels more confident when she wears pretty things (with the implication that she is comfortable around me and doesn't need to put on any airs with me).

5) When talking about my new job she mentioned that now I could pay more bills and she could start putting money into a savings account. Well, sure, if we were committed to each other that would be a great plan. But I've incurred a bit of debt paying our bills and would like to get that paid down before we grow a nest egg.

I feel better just posting this, but I know that now that I've identified a few trouble areas for me I'm going to have to do some work. Grrr, this is hard