I am trying to live this, with varying degrees of success. Hard to not have expectations when I want so desperately to hope. Instead, I choose to work on myself. I CHOOSE not to be bothered when my wife says she'd like to go out for a girls night out. I CHOOSE not to read into every little thing she does.
Just a little mantra I thought I'd try out on myself. I think I'm going to need it tonight so I don't try and guess what's going on with her. Why does she seem depressed? Why did she seem cheerful last night after being on her phone?
You know what? I need to try to stop my inner dialogue. Maybe reminding myself I control how I choose to respond to her will help. I'll let you know in the morning
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
I have nothing helpful to say. It truly is the most awful experience that one can go through and half the time I don't know how I am going to get through the day but then I just do. The other half of the time I am blissfully detached, feeling even better than I did pre-BD. So maybe I am becoming bi-polar. Just keep choosing the healthiest course of action for yourself and eventually the inner thoughts will catch up.
I don't know why purple mohawk hasn't seen your message yet. The party bus is eagerly waiting for you.
Sci Dad Your still "in the game". Keep the focus and you will come out fine!
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Posting to rant/vent, mainly out of frustration at myself.
I say I'm going to be strong, going to not read into everything. But am I fooling myself if I still have those thoughts and actively turn them off? To help me I'm going to first use this board to identify triggers, and my quick thoughts on why I think they bother me. Any thoughts/2x4s are welcome
Things that bug me:
1) I want so badly to play PI and track my wife in the act of something nefarious. Maybe because I want resolution? Maybe because I want an excuse to yell at her? I think my time is better spent analyzing why I feel compelled to do this, but it bugs me that my mind even goes there.
2) The positive changes she's made recently have all been things I've been nagging her about for years, but now she attributes them to the kind words of the OM. WTF? Why didn't she hear it when I said these same things? Will she ever hear me?
3) When she is nice to me I feel the need to question why (to myself). Buttering me up to make it easier for her? Or genuine caring? Obviously this is my insecurity talking, and a circumstance of being in chronic limbo
4) My wife's panties. She only wears her nice, lacy ones when she goes to work. I get the plain cotton or workout ones. My mind immediately thinks that shes wearing the nice ones to show someone special (OM), but maybe she just feels more confident when she wears pretty things (with the implication that she is comfortable around me and doesn't need to put on any airs with me).
5) When talking about my new job she mentioned that now I could pay more bills and she could start putting money into a savings account. Well, sure, if we were committed to each other that would be a great plan. But I've incurred a bit of debt paying our bills and would like to get that paid down before we grow a nest egg.
I feel better just posting this, but I know that now that I've identified a few trouble areas for me I'm going to have to do some work. Grrr, this is hard
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
1. I understand, but dont do it. think about how you will look when caught
2. try to ignore, she will recognize this someday 3. you need to try and feel the same way if she is mean or nice. i try to do the same. very hard 4. Dont look into this. I believe certain panties are worn for certain outfits to not show, etc..The ones you get are comfortable. 5. My w used to do the same things. I couldnt understand talking about future, I asked once and she said I dont know why.
I know the brain is in overdrive, i am there everyday, try to step outside for a minute.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I know what I SHOULD do. I just wish my mind went there first. But I am getting better - I no longer spin out of control for an entire day obsessing about this stuff.
Deep breaths. Deep breaths....
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
Sci Dad, I think you have one of the more "hopeful" situations on this forum. She is in the house, in the bed, "trying" to break free from the A.
And then, more importantly than what she is doing, there is you- you are patient, you are smart, you are doing what you need to do. I think if you could stick to the DB strategy you have a chance. No spying. No looking at her panties. I would insist on paying down the debt. Hang in there, you've got this.
Focus on you...I know its hard but like i posted before and Fo.2 said..it is a hopeful situation and you are still in the game and not looking in from the outside like many others.
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
