Husband has left me for a younger woman

[Bex]

Do you know the thing that really makes me so angry is the fact that he hasn't even said sorry to me! No apology, just a pathetic text message with a half hearted one but he has never uttered the words- is that usual too? I just find it so offensive!!!! Such a coward

[Azzork]

In my opinion, affairs dont just 'happen'. It takes the Wayward spouse to be in the wrong frame of mind coupled with the opportunity. So what about the marriage led his mind to be susceptible to this?

That's a tough question but you're right I need to be answering that. I suppose it was a communication thing generally in our relationship that was an issue- we got in great with day to day stuff but NEVER argued, always just brushed things under the carpet to keep the peace I suppose. I think There were other factors, he got a new job and I stayed at home with the kids, massive balance change in our marriage, we had worked together before that, earning equal money etc, his hours meant he was hardly at home at all do we barely saw each other, we did drift apart because of that, my health issues put a massive strain on us as I was very down, worried and anxious a lot of the time, I had no friends here so i was lonely at home so every time he came home I would just moan at him. The thing is all of this is within the last year..

So what are your plans to rectify some of the things in bold?

[Azzork]

Do you know the thing that really makes me so angry is the fact that he hasn't even said sorry to me! No apology, just a pathetic text message with a half hearted one but he has never uttered the words- is that usual too? I just find it so offensive!!!! Such a coward

But, Bex. He doesnt think he has done anything wrong. He deserves to be happy in this life, right?

If I were you, I wouldnt hold your breath waiting for an apology. If it comes, it will be WAY down the road.

[Bex]

I am moving away to where I'm from and have loads of friends and support there so in a month I'll be surrounded by lots of people that I love, so I can get out and about a lot more and GAL!ive already started that the best I can here but it is pretty difficult with nobody around me..

I've stopped being so down about my health actually and am
Just getting on with it, I don't moan at him or anyone about it any more , I don't talk to him at all about anything apart from the kids. I've realised that right now I feel more positive than I did in the months when he was having an affair, I was panicky, down and worried a lot more than I am now

I totally get that he deserves to be happy. It just wouldn't hurt for him to apologise for all the pain he has caused

[Bex]

Not sure what to do about the lack of communication in our marriage as I'm not talking to him! I did say at the beginning to him that I thought this was one of our issues and he agreed but don't really know what else to do about that just yet, I know that (if) we do try to reconcile then we would 100% have to work on that

[Georgiabelle]

Bex,

I don't post much but your thread caught my eye. First, I am terribly sorry you find yourself here. It's a caca place to be although there are some great peeps on this forum.

My xh left me for a college student. They are moving in together next month and while I can't say I wish them well-I certainly don't wish them any ill will. I feel pretty much nada towards that situation. I work full time, have 3 kids and would never have won any wife of the century awards. That being said I did love my h very much and considered him my best friend. We had a severely SSM and my attraction to him was pretty much nil. I'm quite certain it hurt him badly. And while I did apologize (I truly did not realize the depth of his hurt), he never apologized in 12 years together. I certainly don't expect one now. And that's okay. We all make decisions and really it's what we can live with which is most important.

I always roll my eyes when people spew affair stats (I know-very teenage girl of me:). Don't go there. It will last as long as it lasts and even if it doesn't, it doesn't mean he will come back. I don't say that to be harsh-just being honest. I certainly am not telling you to give up. Just don't live and die by stats or the words of others saying "he will totally regret this." Maybe he does and maybe he doesn't. I have a good friend who met his wife while they were both married. Full blown affair. They have been married 11 years now. Uncommon? Perhaps. But I know a few affair partner who have gotten married. The reality is that you can't control what your h does. You only control you.

Focus on you and your kids. Regardless of what happens know that you will be okay and can have a fabulous life with our without your h. And yes, I know you want to be with him.

Hang in there! It gets better:)

[Azzork]

I am moving away to where I'm from and have loads of friends and support there so in a month I'll be surrounded by lots of people that I love, so I can get out and about a lot more and GAL!ive already started that the best I can here but it is pretty difficult with nobody around me..
Ive said it on here many times. The thing that really helped me turn everything around for myself was getting out and meeting new people. People that only know the "new and improved, 2.0 version" of me. Going back to old friends or friends I had when I was married; I found I could only dwell on my M. It was going out and meeting new people that could appreciate me as "ME' ad not as "XW's H" was so critical in my self confidence rebuilding.

I've stopped being so down about my health actually and am
Just getting on with it, I don't moan at him or anyone about it any more , I don't talk to him at all about anything apart from the kids. I've realised that right now I feel more positive than I did in the months when he was having an affair, I was panicky, down and worried a lot more than I am now
Great!

Not sure what to do about the lack of communication in our marriage as I'm not talking to him! I did say at the beginning to him that I thought this was one of our issues and he agreed but don't really know what else to do about that just yet, I know that (if) we do try to reconcile then we would 100% have to work on that
But there are still ways of practicing communication skills that dont require H. Practice validation, empathization (is that a word?), asking for what you want, conflict management, ec, etc. Right?

I totally get that he deserves to be happy. It just wouldn't hurt for him to apologise for all the pain he has caused
My line above was with my tongue FIRMLY planted in my cheek. He, of course, deserves to be happy. But happiness comes from within. So, whether its this girl or someone else, until he recognizes that, he wont be happy. Regardless, he doesnt think hes done anything wrong....so he isnt going to apologize.

[Bex]

Thanks for your advice everyone- Georgianelle, so your husband is dating someone about 20 years younger than him?? My goodness these men 😩
Yeah I know it might last, it might not- I'm not sitting here twiddling my thumbs waiting for him to come home to me but I'm giving it a year before I file for divorce. It's just the time frame I want to know the actual reality of the situation of our marriage

Azzork - the friends I'm going down back to do all know me as being married to be honest but I've made one new friend and she has gone through a very similar ordeal to me with her husband so it's nice to get support from her. I like the idea of meeting new people too, once I get settled I think I'm going to take up an evening

I do think he feels guilty about what he's done as he looks like utter crap plus e is being super nice to me but I know he won't admit it

[Bex]

I'm not sure though that he realises or accepts the massive mess he has caused! At first he was saying "we'll still be a family, you'll love here and I'll always be close by" total non grip on reality!!
I think in his mind he thought nothing much would change!

[Georgiabelle]

Bex,

My xh still says "we" frequently. It's just semantics at this juncture. I want to be very clear-my xh isn't a bad guy. He has behaved badly and well, I have tried very hard to do what is right for me. Me? This taught me a great deal about myself and what I have to focus on. I;m not the greatest at romantic relationships and I fully acknowledge I wasn't wife of the century.

Only you can decide what is right for you. You are trying to get a time frame when there isn't one. You decide how long :)Keep living. That's the best way to decide what your next move is.