I believe the word emasculated has come up several times in discussions, though Mr. W. has never used this term. I believe he said it was demeaning.
Money=power. And when one person has more of either one, it usually shows where the control lies.
When we first moved to CO from CA (3 months after we were married), I was unemployed. It was during the beginning of the Gulf War, and jobs were tight back then too. Until I managed to secure some menial jobs with a temp agency, I set up our house and did wifely things like cook gourmet meals and plan dates.
I will tell you that Mr. Wonderful LOVED this time in our life. He had the little lady at home (climbing the walls), making his dinner, kissing him before he left for work, and doing all the chores around the house.
I was a newlywed, and figured that I wasn't working so why not? But then after awhile, my Donna Reed like behaviors became expectations from him. And I was growing clearly uncomfortable with his expectations. I was sort of down in the dumps, because I was interviewing like a banshee and nothing ever came of any of them.
We had moved into a brand new house and I decided to take up silk flower arranging as a hobby. This fell under the category of "useless" in Mr. Wonderful's eyes, and one day, he came home to me, took a look at the checkbook register and exclaimed angrily, "Why are you spending my money on this stuff? I don't like this, so you need to stop immediately."
Spending his money? I had used my last paycheck and the check I got for my vacation balance from my previous job in CA to buy window treatments for the house... things he wanted but didn't want to buy himself. Yet, buying some lousy silk flowers sent him in a tailspin?
Sadly, this was not the only convo we had about his feelings about me and spending HIS money. It pissed the daylights out of me. So much that I vowed to myself when I got a permanent job that I'd never give it up for him just so I could withstand his demeaning comments for a lifetime.
When D10 was born, he did ask me to quit my job. I told him no way, and explained why. He invalidated my observations from the past and said that he wouldn't do that to me again. And because he took me lightly, I was not inclined to believe him.
Money is only a means for us to take care of our family. I don't put a high importance on it (unless I'm about to sign over the house to creditors, which is not the case) and it is a means to an end.
That's why being jointly accountable is so important for us from here on out.
Beren, I now wonder if this was the root of our problems? Or just seem exaggerated because of them? Who knows.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
