Letting go, finally

[JGuy]

Rd and Zeus, I am going to try to explain myself again, and from the way this has gone up until now, I'm expecting you'll probably interpret this response as defensiveness motivated by pride. The degree to which I have felt misunderstood at times has been a source of ongoing disappointment throughout my interactions with you here. I am reaching the point where I'm questioning whether this is really the right place for me to seek support. I would like to resolve this, whether that means me coming to see whatever it is that I'm missing, or you coming to see whatever it is that you are missing, or maybe a bit of both.

Since your very first post you have ignored all advice unless you " felt it "' or understood it completely and agreed that it was right for you Most advice on here is against what you ( anyone ) would feel is right so you can choose to follow it or not

You have seen two ICs and a shaman who's advice you jump on because you agree that you are too giving with yourself yet a few posts ago you tell how you have very little empathy for yourself or anyone else. Do you see how you are taking things piecemeal to fit your own ideas

I can see how you might interpret my need to think for myself as "taking things piecemeal to fit my own ideas". Thinking for myself doesn't mean I'm ignoring your advice, or that I'm clinging to my own ideas, it just means I consider your advice carefully as I follow my own inner compass. With the help of the advice here as well as IC and books I'm reading, I continue to calibrate my compass and revise my own ideas. I have made good use of much of the advice I have received, but not the parts that don't resonate with me. If the fact that I don't follow 100% of your advice without question is frowned upon here and considered to be prideful, then we have a pretty serious alignment problem.

I have said from the beginning that I am an independent thinker and I will only follow advice that I understand and which resonates. I shared my cult experience with folks here so as to help everyone understand why I'm like this, so they wouldn't take it personally. But I feel like folks are still not getting it and still taking me the wrong way. So once again: The cult experience caused me to lose my inner compass and follow the tribe instead. I had to go through an arduous journey to find my compass again. This was an extremely difficult and confusing experience that taught me I can never again let go of my inner compass by thinking that someone else knows better than I do about what's right for me. That doesn't mean I should ignore advice from others entirely, it just means that it's up to me to listen to the advice and use it to steer my own ship. There's a difference between listening to what others say to gather advice on how to steer my own ship, versus falling into self doubt and letting them steer my ship for me. So when I say that I don't appreciate the 2x4 approach, it is not my pride that I intend to protect. It is my self esteem (the healthy belief that I can steer my own ship) that I intend to protect.

Your W thinks you are wonderful , this you accept without question

Not true. Whenever she said this, I reminded her that I'm definitely not perfect and I have things to learn too. I don't want to be on a pedestal. The reason why I'm mentioning that she said this is because I want people to know she has given me very few clues about what my unattractive behavior might be. I have been trying to figure it out by myself. My empathy issues are the biggest guess I have come up with so far.

When your W told you weeks ago she wanted to seperate you would not accept that is what she meant.

Not true. I accepted it, but then she waffled back and forth, said she wasn't certain in the days that followed. I continued trying to let go anyways.

I gave advice and you took it very badly , Vanilla in the next post, gave broadly the same advice but because of how you perceived it , you accepted Vanillas and thought mine was not for you. Vanilla pointed out that both advices were very similar but you could not see that

Rd, the reason why I took your advice badly is because you made very harsh, judgmental statements, such as "It's very hard to explain something to someone who does not want to listen", and "all you seem to do is force your opinion on others". When people say things like this to me, I feel like if you're right then I must be a bad person. Vanilla offered honest, tough love advice but with with compassion, sensitivity, and respect for the fact that I do want to listen. She said "The need to be right may be something of a blocker in your R" which was not judgmental or blaming. It was a suggestion for me to consider, take it or leave it. I do see the similarity in the advice, but the harshness in how you communicated really pushed me away. Perhaps if I had a tougher skin I could "take it like a man", but that's just not the kind of man I am, at least not yet. When people talk to me that way, I feel attacked and I shut down and I'm just not open to taking any advice that is delivered like that.

On that note, in response to what Vanilla said: "The need to be right may be something of a blocker in your R". I thought about this, and I'm thinking about it again now. Obviously, I am giving some people here that impression, but I don't get that feedback from anyone else in my life. When my W and I have had arguments, I am usually the first to admit that I could be missing something that I need to learn. I usually care much more about connection than I do about being right, but I do seek connection by seeking to be understood. When I feel misunderstood, it leads me to be very persistent about re-explaining myself better, over and over. Perhaps that makes me seem like I just want to be right? I'm not sure. All I know is I just want people to understand me.

Please see this woman for what she is and not what you expect her to be. She's a serial cheater who has told you things you wanted to hear for a few months now while never changing her real feelings

I agree with you there, rd500. This is the same thing I have been saying recently, but when I say it, I get told that I am blaming all the M problems on her instead of looking at my own issues. It's pretty confusing.

I came on here and I listened to the advice and went to an I/C who challenged me and told me many home truths that I certainly did not care to hear BUT I listened because for the first time in my adult life , I did not have the answers

I appreciate you sharing this about yourself, Rd. I'm glad you found what worked for you. It seems like mine was the opposite problem. My pattern when I was younger was to not trust myself and to think that I don't have the answers inside of me and that instead of trusting myself, I must find someone to follow. That's how I got drawn into the cult and got burned, learned that one the hard way.

Please accept that I, like everybody on this site , wants you to be happy and for your family to be complete. For this to happen there is work you need to do on you and leave W to her own choices. This is the same advice you've got from day one.

I'm 100% aligned with you there, Rd. I may not have been willing to accept it from day one, but I did finally accept in about 1 month ago. It seems to be getting easier as time progresses.