Hi MB...just wanted to drop by and see how you're feeling today.
The no sleep thing is no fun. I was like that for a while too. Couldn't fall asleep, and then when I finally did, I would wake up all hours of the night, and then be up ridiculously early the next day even though I was exhausted.
When I wasn't able to sleep, it was usually because of the panic that set in. I have said the serenity prayer at least 98,000 times in the last 3 months. It helps block out the images of OW in my bed. Grrrrrrr. And that helps me get back to sleep.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
No, she went home on Monday. Remember, I was going to hitch a ride down to Ancaire's house.
Sigh....... Okay, so I went to IC yesterday. We talked a little about me as we were supposed to be starting to work on ME instead of the marriage (per my request). Unfortunately, there was some material that he wanted me to have with some reading and worksheets in it, and it hadn't come in yet. So, he preferred to wait till next week to get started on all of it so I could have the book in hand first. Anyway, we ended up talking about H instead. I guess it was my fault because I brought up the fact that I saw her vehicle parked in the driveway on Saturday night and again on Sunday (even though he was at work on Sunday). He talked to me a little about it and then asked me if I was ready to let go yet. I told him I didn't know how to. Then, he just started talking to me about his thoughts on my H and was very blunt. I just sat there and listened, but it was so hard to hear all of what he was saying. He basically told me that there isn't any hope and that H will never be able to be in a mature and committed marriage unless he gets some help and he shows no signs of wanting help. Went on and on pointing out all the signs that H is not interested in me and is not thinking about me or my feelings at all, etc. Talked about his body language when we went to the ONE session together. Talked about how H tears up out of guilt and not because he is in love with me or misses me. Same thing about panic attacks, said they are because of guilt not because of his feelings for me. And on, and on, and on. It was REALLY hard to sit there and listen to all of that and I was beyond upset when I left there. I could barely even post anything last night because I just couldn't stand to think about any of this. Felt the same way today. Like everything that has to to with my marriage is utterly and completely hopeless. I sat here feeling that all day and couldn't get it off of my mind. That was the problem. When I sit here by myself thinking about it too much, and can't let go of it, I tend to to STUPID and DESPERATE things. So, of course, that's what I did.
I put my makeup on and put on some nice jeans and a new top that I bought, then I went over there. I knew as I was driving over there that it was a baaaaaad idea, but I didn't let that voice stop me! I pulled into his driveway and just sat there for a couple of minutes because I knew that I should just leave. Well, THAT didn't happen!
I finally got out of the car and went to the door. He opened it before I even knocked. He let me in and told me how nice I looked. Then, he asked me if I was going out somewhere. I told him I'm not sure yet then I went and sat on the couch but not really close to him. I could tell he wasn't mad that I was there, but also wasn't happy.
He sat there and stared at the TV and pretty much ignored me. I made small talk and asked about his dad (he had gone to visit his family a couple of weeks ago). I mentioned that he didn't seem to be glad that I was there. He just said "I just don't think it's a good idea." But, he couldn't tell me why he thought that.
I sat there a little longer and finally asked him if he wants me to leave. He said "I think it would probably be best if you did." I didn't get upset or sad or anything, I just stood up and said "okay, I'll go."
He should have just let me go, but instead, while I was standing in front of him he said "You said you were going to work on yourself and looks like you've been doing a good job. Are you still just walking?" I told him yes and that I'm working on making myself a stronger person so I will be more confident to move on and be alone if I need to. I told him that he might think I plan on sitting over at my apartment for the next 10 years ALONE while he goes on with his life, but that was not going to happen.
Then, I told him that I want HIM to be my husband and act like it, but that if he didn't want to, then I would find someone that would appreciate me and want to be with me. But, that I was really hoping that person would be him. I told him he needed to decide what he wants to do with his life.
He didn't say anything at all. Just sat there with tears in his eyes looking at me. I guess, according to IC, must have been guild. Whatever! I waited for him to say something, but he didn't. So, of course, I did the smartest thing I could think of!!!! I sat down beside him and put my arms around his shoulders and hugged him. Then, I decided that wasn't good enough, so I went ahead and kissed him. He might have said stop.....but he kissed me back so I kissed him again.
Yep, I'm sitting here shaking my head too. How freaking stupid am I??? OMG! What have I done. Just totally ruined everything. And, I did it all by myself! That voice in my head was yelling at me to get the heck out of there the whole time, but I ignored it really well and just kept going. Sighhh......
So, you see, I am an idiot and fI WISH it had just been some air in the tires.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Oh, yea, when I kissed him he kissed me back, then told me to stop. He said when I kiss him I "hypnotize him." I told him "I don't hypnotize you, you respond to me because you love me and know that we're supposed to be together."
How freaking sappy is that. I could just die. I made a complete idiot out of myself AGAIN. He is never ever going to want to be in the same room with me again.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Not right now. Just disgusted with myself. I posted my loooog story about tonight for you though. How embarrasing! Not sure how I could have done anything else wrong, I about covered it all!
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
First of all, I think you need a new IC. Second, the fact that you hypnotize him sounds like there is still a big attraction on his part. And third, don't be so down on yourself. We all make mistakes. This might be one. Or it might introduce doubt in his head about the trashy ow. (tow) Go dark again. Remember, just over a month ago he missed you and wanted to be with you. He dumped tow, but not fully. Then he dumped you again but not fully. He's confused, just like you are. Give it time. Patience, my friend. Now get some rest!
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I really wish one of the vets would get on here and tell me what I need to do. I know they say NC, but I can only NC just so long. Eventually there has to be SOME contact otherwise it will just get easier every day for him not to see me ever again. And, I know that they say to not contact, to wait till they contact you. Well, he won't. It's just that simple. He will never contact me. He will sit over there and feel defeated and decide that I gave up and don't want him anymore, blah, blah, blah. I KNOW him and I know he won't contact me. This is not mind reading on my part, this is his history....he will not contact me if I stop reaching out to him. So, now what? There has to be something other than eternal NC that I can do. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME figure this out!
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Wow MB, you're so brutally honest on your posts...I think it's wonderful. Stop beating yourself up. You and I are similar in timeline with the BD and would I have done differently? I don't know. But, if it comes to be mentioned, my reply would be to try to validate, even tho I su�k at it presently.Working on this.
I am sorry I can't offer any suggestions to you, but I'm sure you'll get some good feedback here.
Buttercup
Me 50 H 51 M 17 T 20 D16 H EA Feb 2014 BD Sept 2015 H moved out Nov 2015 W Filed D papers Mar 2016
There is definitely an attraction. That's why he won't look at me when I'm there. Last time (when this all started) when I asked him why he wouldn't even look at me, he said "because I'll never want to stop." UGH! I don't doubt that he loves me and is attracted to me, he just won't let me in.
I have no idea what was the the IC this time. He has never been like that before. It was very upsetting. A lot of what he said, he had a point, but that doesn't mean that he's right about everything he said. And, it doesn't mean that you hit a depressed woman with all of it at the same time either. Good grief! I know he was just trying to get me to see things from his point of view because I said I didn't know HOW to let him go. But the thing is, I don't WANT to let him go.
I know my H isn't perfect, and he has issues to work through, but that doesn't mean I want to desert him just because he has problems from things that happened when he was younger. I love him and want to be there with him and for him and I want the same from him.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
