REALLY trying to detach...but GALing regardless!

[- MB -]

No, she went home on Monday. Remember, I was going to hitch a ride down to Ancaire's house.

Sigh.......
Okay, so I went to IC yesterday. We talked a little about me as we were supposed to be starting to work on ME instead of the marriage (per my request). Unfortunately, there was some material that he wanted me to have with some reading and worksheets in it, and it hadn't come in yet. So, he preferred to wait till next week to get started on all of it so I could have the book in hand first. Anyway, we ended up talking about H instead. I guess it was my fault because I brought up the fact that I saw her vehicle parked in the driveway on Saturday night and again on Sunday (even though he was at work on Sunday). He talked to me a little about it and then asked me if I was ready to let go yet. I told him I didn't know how to. Then, he just started talking to me about his thoughts on my H and was very blunt. I just sat there and listened, but it was so hard to hear all of what he was saying. He basically told me that there isn't any hope and that H will never be able to be in a mature and committed marriage unless he gets some help and he shows no signs of wanting help. Went on and on pointing out all the signs that H is not interested in me and is not thinking about me or my feelings at all, etc. Talked about his body language when we went to the ONE session together. Talked about how H tears up out of guilt and not because he is in love with me or misses me. Same thing about panic attacks, said they are because of guilt not because of his feelings for me. And on, and on, and on. It was REALLY hard to sit there and listen to all of that and I was beyond upset when I left there. I could barely even post anything last night because I just couldn't stand to think about any of this. Felt the same way today. Like everything that has to to with my marriage is utterly and completely hopeless. I sat here feeling that all day and couldn't get it off of my mind. That was the problem. When I sit here by myself thinking about it too much, and can't let go of it, I tend to to STUPID and DESPERATE things. So, of course, that's what I did.

I put my makeup on and put on some nice jeans and a new top that I bought, then I went over there. I knew as I was driving over there that it was a baaaaaad idea, but I didn't let that voice stop me! I pulled into his driveway and just sat there for a couple of minutes because I knew that I should just leave. Well, THAT didn't happen!

I finally got out of the car and went to the door. He opened it before I even knocked. He let me in and told me how nice I looked. Then, he asked me if I was going out somewhere. I told him I'm not sure yet then I went and sat on the couch but not really close to him. I could tell he wasn't mad that I was there, but also wasn't happy.

He sat there and stared at the TV and pretty much ignored me. I made small talk and asked about his dad (he had gone to visit his family a couple of weeks ago). I mentioned that he didn't seem to be glad that I was there. He just said "I just don't think it's a good idea." But, he couldn't tell me why he thought that.

I sat there a little longer and finally asked him if he wants me to leave. He said "I think it would probably be best if you did." I didn't get upset or sad or anything, I just stood up and said "okay, I'll go."

He should have just let me go, but instead, while I was standing in front of him he said "You said you were going to work on yourself and looks like you've been doing a good job. Are you still just walking?" I told him yes and that I'm working on making myself a stronger person so I will be more confident to move on and be alone if I need to. I told him that he might think I plan on sitting over at my apartment for the next 10 years ALONE while he goes on with his life, but that was not going to happen.

Then, I told him that I want HIM to be my husband and act like it, but that if he didn't want to, then I would find someone that would appreciate me and want to be with me. But, that I was really hoping that person would be him. I told him he needed to decide what he wants to do with his life.

He didn't say anything at all. Just sat there with tears in his eyes looking at me. I guess, according to IC, must have been guild. Whatever! I waited for him to say something, but he didn't. So, of course, I did the smartest thing I could think of!!!! I sat down beside him and put my arms around his shoulders and hugged him. Then, I decided that wasn't good enough, so I went ahead and kissed him. He might have said stop.....but he kissed me back so I kissed him again.

Yep, I'm sitting here shaking my head too. How freaking stupid am I??? OMG! What have I done. Just totally ruined everything. And, I did it all by myself! That voice in my head was yelling at me to get the heck out of there the whole time, but I ignored it really well and just kept going. Sighhh......

So, you see, I am an idiot and fI WISH it had just been some air in the tires.