Lonely Hearts Club V

[shotgun]

Thanks MB. I do think that she has done me a huge favor but I must admit that the events of the past year have devastated me. I don't know if I have ever mentioned that my Grandmother who was the mother figure in my life passed away during my treatment. My doctor didn't want me to see her without wearing a mask and rubber gloves because she had MRSA. As I didn't want to cause her angst I opted to not go. I probably haven't dealt with any of her passing yet because there is just so much to process. Couple that with a very contentious divorce and God only knows if I can handle it all. I am rarely able to think about everything that has happened at one time and again my memory of a lot of the past year is very fuzzy so I am doing my best to take things one step and one day at a time and trying to rebuild my body and my life. I am feeling stronger these days but I am able to compare my strength in the gym to what I was pre-cancer and I know that I am not there yet. I will be though and I will be a better man going forward. There are a few things that I will not compromise next time but there will be a next time. Number one is that it will take a woman who loves to be touched. It saddens me looking back at how cold she was and is and to think of the many opportunities that I had to get affection outside of my marriage. I am however thankful that I do not have that guilt. Everything about this is about her. I was a very good husband and I am as good of a father as there is. I have people seek my advice daily about raising children and I am very confident in my answers. I recognize that I married the wrong girl and my duty going forward is to be more careful. Also to show grace and dignity to my son in my future relationships. There will be a very lucky lady who lands me and there are many trying. I am fortunate in that. It has taken a while but I am starting to see myself as attractive and intelligent again. My wife is a fool but I was too in believing that I could make her happy. The next Mrs. Shotgun will have found the happiness that resides within herself and will not be dependent on me to keep her off of the ledge. Some real hard lessons to learn and I do have faults but I do not have anything that I look back on with regret. I was faithful and loving and affectionate and hard working. I was and am a great father and with God' help and the help of my therapist I will navigate the divorce and the change to my son's life in a way that prevents his being too severely damaged. His mother was trapped in her emotional development at thirteen years of age and I am determined to not repeat that. Pray for me when you think about it and rest assured that I pray for you as well. Have a good evening MB.