Hello all. Here again starting a new thread. A little sad to still be here but happy to have my friends here. Really fighting to move forward these days. I'm lonely and unmotivated. I am having a hard time making myself go to see my attorney. I just struggled to spell attorney. Spell check kept forcing me to re-type it. Thank God for spell check or I would look like the idiot that I am! I long for the longer days of summer and resent the long nights of winter. Sad about my grandmother. I guess I was too busy to really grieve her death in May. What can I do to get myself moving? I do some form of GAL every day now but the minute I stop I am sad. My friends can't understand why I don't want to date yet. I am anxious about my upcoming pet-scan. This lump in my throat makes it hard to swallow. My respite from the dry mouth was a little too short lived. Hoping that it will return soon. Doctor says that any sign of function from salivary glands is very encouraging.
I keep wanting to type; On a lighter note........but can't seem to come up with anything. Oh here's one! My workout is going great. Adding weight and reps to all stations now. Starting to look pretty good without a shirt on. I am determined to be stronger than I was pre-cancer. A lot stronger! I am pretty focused on getting to the gym these days. Yoga is fun. Pretty crowded in there because of the New Years resolutions. It will thin out soon and only the people who are serious about being fit will still be coming. My chest and arms are very tired tonight after lifting. And that's a good thing.
I haven't been to the symphony in a while and I miss it. I wish Rouky was here to go with me. That is one girl that I would date! Hmm what will I take her too? I think I will take her to see The Magic Flute. If anyone is attempting to analyze me the queen of the night is in my view the hottest woman ever. I think I should ask my therapist about that one.
Ok. Time to take my happy pill. Sure hope that baby isn't expired! God Bless you all and pray for a clean bill of health for me next month. I love you all!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Wishing you all the best shotgun? Where is your Rouky?
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I'm sorry that your feeling so gloomy Shotgun. I've been struggling the last several days with loneliness and despair. And, like you, have been less than motivated. Not sure exactly how to fix it, but I guess I'm going to have to increase my fake it till you make it efforts. I've barely even left the house since Saturday night when I saw her vehicle parked in H's driveway. Just can't seem to shake it. I'm thinking when I get off of here tonight I'm going to look up what classes are offered at the gym, and what times. Maybe I can take up an aerobics or Zumba class. Hey, that's it Shotgun, you should take up a Zumba class! Maybe you'll even meet some hot women in there.
Your friends can't understand why you're not to ready to date? Heck, my friends can't understand why I haven't already divorced him and moved on. They just don't get it. You will date when you feel like you're ready. Eventually, you will want to connect with someone else and you deserve to be able to do that. You have so much to offer to the right person.
We will all be saying prayers for you that you stay healthy and that your scans are okay next month. Keep us posted on that.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
NYGal I hope my Rouky is OK. How is everything with you? Have you been to any more ball games? Thank you for the well wishes. I am mildly confident that everything is OK with the cancer but I don't want my hopes to get too high. A friend of mine who is fighting cancer says that he intends to keep his foot on the neck of his cancer and I feel the same way. Never will I let off the gas until the doctor says that there is no chance of it coming back.
MB you are going to have to do enough zumba for the both of us. Watching some cute ladies working up a lather would be fun though. I barely have enough breath to do yoga at this point. It gets better all the time though. We start a new routine tomorrow night and I hope to be able to keep up with it. For the first time Saturday I did all of the crunches in the last routine so now I have to build up to something different. My strength was severely depleted by the cancer treatment and I joined the yoga class to try to rebuild. So far so good but it is about as intense as I can do. I'm sorry that you saw the OW at your loser husbands house but if you don't look you might not have to see that again. You know the man in that house is a clown so why don't you start thinking about a man in another house?
Praying for peace for everyone tonight and a moment of happiness tomorrow!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Hi Shotgun. There's another game Friday but I don't have any cute girl to accompany me so I don't know what to do. Too bad Rouky's not here. I saw W on Monday and have some hope that she's trying to get her head back on straight, but who knows? Time moves so slowly. I'm glad your exercising is going so well. Peace and happiness to you, my friend.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
My strength was severely depleted by the cancer treatment and I joined the yoga class to try to rebuild. So far so good but it is about as intense as I can do. I'm sorry that you saw the OW at your loser husbands house but if you don't look you might not have to see that again. You know the man in that house is a clown so why don't you start thinking about a man in another house?
Shotgun, I'm glad that you're getting your strength back. What kind of cancer did you have? You might have said, but I don't recall you mentioning it. As for the Zumba, maybe it would be like when I tried to line dance. You can just walk round and bump into the hot sweaty girls and eventually one of them will take you by the hand, pull you close, and teach you SLOWLY how to do the dance. LOL...could be FUN!
And, I am starting to agree with what you say about H, but I just can't (or won't) seem to let go yet. Heck, I can't even stop driving by yet!! UGH!! I will say that I do it LESS than I used to. That counts right? And, as far as another guy, I honestly can't even imagine that. I really can't. That's why I'm going to start working with IC on ME. I really don't think if I let go of H, that I will ever be able to find anyone else. I have basically been told that in one way or another for most of my life by the important people in my life including my current H and my ex. I KNOW in my mind that it's not true, but yet I can't get past it. It seems to have stuck with me and I'm scared. I'm scared to be by myself. I'm scared to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm scared of no one ever loving me again. Pretty much I'm just scared so I'm frozen in place. Then, to top off my fears that I already had, when we "got back together" for those 12 days I really was trying my hardest to show him that he would be a fool to let me go, and yet he did. I just keep asking myself if I wasn't good enough for him when I was trying my hardest, then why in the world would anyone else ever want me. I know that it doesn't make sense for everyone that is reading this. But, that is how I actually feel. I can't just get over it. I can't wish it away. I can't ignore it. I've tried. I feel worthless. Both of my husbands made me feel that way as well as my parents. Without my H, I will always have my kids, but that is all I will ever have.
Sorry, I know that's not the response you were expecting. Guess it's just what's on my mind after my IC session today. Wish I could just go to SLEEP, but I'm thinking my new AD is keeping me me awake. I slept 2 1/2 hrs last night. 1hr 45min the night before that and 4 hours on Sunday. I am beyond tired but can't seem to sleep. Hopefully everyone is having a good night.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Good morning MB. I get you on letting go of your husband. One of the unfortunate parts of all this is that these WAS manage to keep us hanging on in spite of the cruelty that they are inflicting on us. My wife told me several times that we had worked things out. The last time occurring in November of 14. She stated that I had said all of the right things and her counselor agreed with her. In January I was diagnosed with cancer and she was so loving and more affectionate than she had ever been. As soon as the cancer treatment started to make me sick she just closed off. I later learned that she had reconnected with OM at that point. From that point on my memory is very fuzzy and my life completely turned upside down.
I am glad that you are seeing your counselor. Try to not leave out many details because they need to get as complete a picture of your emotions as possible in order to help you. I promise that she has heard it all before and there is no reason to pretend while in there. The fact that you are still trying to get a glimpse of your husband is indicative of where you are in this process. It will pass and you will grow to recognize that there are tons of people who love you and that you are worthy of love and some day you will find true love. As for sleeping you should work with your doctor about that because they will work out a medication and dosage that will not hinder sleep.
You will survive this and you will be a better, smarter and happier person going forward. There is a little work involved however.
NYGal I must tell you that I met a girl at a football game. I went out with her a few times and it turned out that it wasn't a connection but who knows what will happen next time? I think that a part of GAL is that you will run into new people and experience new things and you will learn about yourself in the process. I meet girls everywhere I go. I have met my favorite girl here on DB. It's kind of crazy that we live on separate continents but it is a real connection and we care deeply for each other. So who knows? Bottom line get out and do things that you love and do a few things that you have never done before. I have got to tell you that I hate where I am but it can also be an incredible amount of fun. And it will get better.
Praying for both of you and hoping that we all find some peace today!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Is there any way to send private messages on here? Someone emailed me once when I first started posting on here. How did they do that?
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Thanks Shotgun. You really are a sweet guy. Why oh why were neither of my Hs sweet guys? My current one seemed sweet at first, but then we got married. I is the sweet guy that I know USED to live inside him. That's the guy that I'm holding on to so tightly.
Your W is an idiot! To leave such a nice guy (or ANY guy) when they are in the middle of cancer treatment is just unthinkable. Talk about being completely self absorbed and selfish! You deserve better than that. Eventually, you may realize that she did you a huge favor but she sure could have picked better timing!
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Thanks MB. I do think that she has done me a huge favor but I must admit that the events of the past year have devastated me. I don't know if I have ever mentioned that my Grandmother who was the mother figure in my life passed away during my treatment. My doctor didn't want me to see her without wearing a mask and rubber gloves because she had MRSA. As I didn't want to cause her angst I opted to not go. I probably haven't dealt with any of her passing yet because there is just so much to process. Couple that with a very contentious divorce and God only knows if I can handle it all. I am rarely able to think about everything that has happened at one time and again my memory of a lot of the past year is very fuzzy so I am doing my best to take things one step and one day at a time and trying to rebuild my body and my life. I am feeling stronger these days but I am able to compare my strength in the gym to what I was pre-cancer and I know that I am not there yet. I will be though and I will be a better man going forward. There are a few things that I will not compromise next time but there will be a next time. Number one is that it will take a woman who loves to be touched. It saddens me looking back at how cold she was and is and to think of the many opportunities that I had to get affection outside of my marriage. I am however thankful that I do not have that guilt. Everything about this is about her. I was a very good husband and I am as good of a father as there is. I have people seek my advice daily about raising children and I am very confident in my answers. I recognize that I married the wrong girl and my duty going forward is to be more careful. Also to show grace and dignity to my son in my future relationships. There will be a very lucky lady who lands me and there are many trying. I am fortunate in that. It has taken a while but I am starting to see myself as attractive and intelligent again. My wife is a fool but I was too in believing that I could make her happy. The next Mrs. Shotgun will have found the happiness that resides within herself and will not be dependent on me to keep her off of the ledge. Some real hard lessons to learn and I do have faults but I do not have anything that I look back on with regret. I was faithful and loving and affectionate and hard working. I was and am a great father and with God' help and the help of my therapist I will navigate the divorce and the change to my son's life in a way that prevents his being too severely damaged. His mother was trapped in her emotional development at thirteen years of age and I am determined to not repeat that. Pray for me when you think about it and rest assured that I pray for you as well. Have a good evening MB.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
