Still learning AU Bob

[Zues126]

Hey Bob, I was referring to the post I made on my own thread, it's at the bottom of page 9, about my journaling from 5 years ago. Interesting if nothing else.

As for friends...DB coaches are big advocates on friendship...but Sandi is a big believer in tough love. I love JulieH's post, I'll quote here:

I don't necessarily think there are rules to follow. I think when they say NC, it's really just to prevent you from begging and pursuing someone that wants nothing to do with you. Or more to stop pressuring them and let them come back to you on their own because they get the chance to see for themselves what life will be like without you.

Sometimes it is easy to use NC as a way to punish spouse. LBS justify it as "they want divorce, let them see what it will really be like". The coldness, resentment, and anger builds easily this way for both parties. Sometimes the approach works, but I am not sure if it does when there is no active affair.

The DB coaches seem to encourage friendships. Going back to church with wife seems to be a great idea because it is something that can strengthen your bond.

I told my DB coach once "but I won't be friends when we're divorced and dating again", she replied "but you're not divorced, so don't act like you want to be". BUT- that was before I knew XW was wayward too.

Personally if your WAW is in another relationship, I think dim is best. Kids focused. Friendly when you need to have an interaction, but only reciprocating about 80% of what she puts into the friendliness with a maximum based on your boundaries. But no matter what you decide:

-If you choose to be friends, don't be too friendly
-If you choose not to be friends, don't be too unfriendly

[AU Bob]

Thanks Zues.
This is the dilema we face. It is just not clear cut.
She wants to do physical things together she is a lot fitter now than she was when she was with me.
Not really sure why she wants to watch me race.
I dont think she is getting out much, recons she has not been intimate with anyone else ( is she telling the trueth?) thought it strange she would even mention it, no need to really.
Everything i have learned and i still am no clearer on how to handle this sitch.
Im just glad i have you guys to run it past.

[AU Bob]

I did read your thread post. It expains what I try to tell my confidants, they dont undetstand the fact we have to take responsibility for our own behaviour that led to where we are, and the fact that we have to learn from it and act on it and become better people, they just say you ate beating yourself up, your a good guy, i just have to smile and say nothing they just dont get it!

[AU Bob]

I would like to hear Sandi's view on this.

[AU Bob]

Should I start doing stuff with her again or not?

[Zues126]

Remind us AU...she's actively with another man?

Your W is not the woman you love. Look at her with fresh eyes. She is literally walking out of a marriage and living the party lifestyle, flaunting a new man in your face. The "HER" you love is the person that loved you back, was committed to you, did nice things for you, was loyal to you. The way I always viewed it is this person is your W's identical twin sister that murdered your W, destroyed your marriage and family, and is now trying to manipulate you through your feelings for the woman you loved to give her whatever she wants, be that an 'amicable divorce' (meaning she gets what she wants), or just lots of validation that she is hot stuff. How can you be attracted to this sadistic and evil twin?

This is who I believe you're dealing with. I would not want anything to do with a woman that fit this description.

Now, I wouldn't come off as angry, judgmental, or controlling. For example...XW has no idea I view her this way, she probably projects onto me what she feels about herself and assumes it's all good. So I'm not trying to show her this picture of herself, and if I did she'd probably tweak.

Point is I'd just let her go on this journey. Let her go. If, in time, lots of time, she comes to see herself the way I described, well, who knows. But don't hold your breath. I think she's a cancer and you need to cut her out from your life. Too bad, you played a role in the breakdown of the M, but she chose this path. You must choose yours.

[AU Bob]

Hi Zues126
I am not sure what the relationship is with this OM I have still not been able to find out the depth of it.
She seemed to have an infatuation with him, the contents of the texts she sent him that we had been able to see say to us that she was very friendly, mutual flattering, kisses,and from him telling her how beautiful she was, not sexual but inappropriate for a married person, my children that saw them told her they were not appropriate, and they were the one we were able to see. She hid a lot of it and deleted a lot so what was in them who knows.
She has gone out to clubs and social gatherings and he has gone too, but other people have been with them, although my family know none of these people, so we cant find out what went on.
She has gone to his house numerous times for partys and so called training sessions (he is a gym instructor at her gym)
there are some stairs going between two streets they run up.
She turned up at my daughters place with him two weeks ago to get some kyacks I asked her about it last week and she said he was just helping her to get them and that it was a group training session.
She is training for a challenge course so that's her explanation for spending time with him.
His son is dating her sisters daughter. He has gone to her house a few times but my wife has been the one who drove him.
My children suspect there is something going on but we have no proof other than what I have jus told you.
So we suspect, but have no real proof.

[Zues126]

This is the definition of an affair. When the D is final it will no longer be an affair, but it will still be a relationship which was inappropriate and played a pivotal role in the destruction of your marriage.

I stand by my last post. Friends don't do this. Love her from a distance and let her go on her journey.

[AU Bob]

Yes I agree.
I have thought about it a lot, and I feel that she was the one to leave, she switched off from me months before she walked, it was torture for me, her appropriation of time with him. I knew it was going to happen, her leaving, and I tried to change, too late though.
I know I had issues, but some of them were because of her behaviour.
She just wants freedom to do as she pleases and I am just there for when she wants me. This is not fair on me.
I will give her, her freedom, 100% I have a new life now and am focusing on that, my children and GAL.

[AU Bob]

Ok so if she asks to do something together how do i tell he no thanks in a way thats not controlling or mean?