Seeing less of my old shark image

[Underdog]

Pattie,

Yes, I believe that's how I really see this reentry happening. Thanks for clarifying this.

Let's see if I can word this to accurately reflect what is in my heart for this man...

I love him, guys. I want to put my heart and soul into loving him again, and hope he will work on the same thing. I have reason to believe that he will do this.

I'm willing to watch him get into the pool and get acclimated to swimming again. I'm willing to exercise more patience with him in regards to me and our M.

How can I say this without putting all of us down for being where we are? I guess I have to be blunt: I am no longer interested in observing baby steps as my lifestyle indefinitely. It's been a great litmus test for a year now, and I've appreciated the concept. It has served me and the rest of my friends here very well.

Triple J asked me what has changed for me now? Honestly? Here's my answer: I'm now confident in myself as a woman, mother, person, friend. I see that I consistently make good choices and have a moral value system that is worthwhile and logical.

But I'm willing to risk everything I have to get what I want and deserve. I want to love with all my heart and I want to be loved in return. By a man who WANTS to love me.

I think Mr. Wonderful is that man.

I don't know if I've shared what transpired during MC last summer. Mr. W. has always been a person who values words. When we first walked into MC, I asked if he wanted to be there. He refused to respond. MC told me to allow him his silence and let his actions do the talking.

Well, his actions mirrored his words: nothing.

Our last joint session together was awful. I finally mustered the courage to ask him what his intentions were on going to MC every other week for 5 months. He said, "I did it so I could see if you or MC could give me a reason to get back into the game, and so far you both struck out. At least if we D, I can tell everyone we went to MC for 5 months and it didn't work."

Let me repeat the immortal words of Gene Kranz in Apollo 13: Failure is not an option.

I am not a failure and no matter what path Mr. Wonderful chooses, I will still not be a failure... as a wife, mother, woman, friend, daughter, sister, lover or human being.

I want to rebuild my life with the goal of permanence.

All I need are words or small actions (a wink is as good as nod to a blind horse, you know) that say, "I'm in this game with you, Bets. Please be patient with me, because I'm scared. But I'm here and I'm in."

I hope you all can understand that.

There has been nothing more rewarding to me over the past year than having all of you in my life. Without you, I would still be scratching my butt in the outfield. Instead, you guys taught me how to catch, coach, field, bat and run.

I promise to put everything you've taught me into good use in the other games I play... so please trust me. I'm not abandoning you or the rest of our team. We've been through too much for me to bail. But I think I can win. If I didn't, I wouldn't be willing to put it all out on the line like this. But I have to have some feeling or verbalizing that he's playing the game.... not trying to do a rain dance to have it rescheduled for another day.

I realize that swimming with me is going to take a whole lot of trust on his part too. That's why I'm willing to swim around by myself for a bit to see how he gets acclimated to the ocean and swimming with a shark again.

Trust me.