Let's talk a minute about the sex. I understand having kids, working full time, and having health problems. What about your level of desire? I am not asking if you are high drive or low drive. I'm asking about craving your husband's sexual intimacy.
We women can talk all around it. We can justify being too tired, which is often the case b/c if what I have read is true, women cannot physically hold out nonstop like a man can. However, when we tell the H at bedtime that we are just too worn out to make love.......he takes it extremely personal. And, (b/c I've been down the road) I learned that it affects him in ways we may never even considered.
How strong do you feel attraction for your H? In spite of being a super couple, best friends, etc., let's get down to brass tacks. How much do you actually feel the pull of pure sexual attraction? Hey, it's okay to tell the truth. I will be the first to admit I didn't feel it for my H. I didn't care if we ever had sex again. When tested by a hormone specialist, I was told my sex hormones had flatlined. In today's hurry up over-stressed world, it is quite common in M's. And if health issues exihereof adds to the stress in the lack of sex. Sometimes, there is a possibility of HRT, and it can do wonders.
I also understand pregnancies too close together. That old saying that I was afraid for him to hang his pants on the bedpost, was true for me. But here's the thing, to a man it sounds like another excuse. And to a woman who has said many of the same things you are saying...........I have to ask you if you are very sure the real reason is that you are not interested b/c you just don't feel that strong attraction to him. I am not suggesting you don't love him, so please don't misunderstand.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well in all honesty the sexual attraction has definitely dwindled and my sex drive was pretty much gone but I do find him attractive and when I think about him now I do fancy him. I'm one of those people that if I'm not having second I'm not bothered about it but when we have phases of having sex I want to sleep with him more.. It definitely had become an issue for us but I don't think it's unfixable, it was something to work on, our problem was communication about it, we needed to talk! I feel bad that I just have made him feel rejected, I get that- but he made me feel rejected at times too at times..
Me 35 H 38 Married 4 years together 13 years Affair started sept 2015 BD 15th Nov 2015- husband left that night son age 3 daughter age 1
Do husbands / wives often come back in situations like these? I'm just wondering whether i should just give up and accept he's fallen for someone else (even though I really don't believe that that's true)
Me 35 H 38 Married 4 years together 13 years Affair started sept 2015 BD 15th Nov 2015- husband left that night son age 3 daughter age 1
The short answer is yes, couples do come back in situations like these. The key is to come back to a better marriage, not the same one that had issues that hurt the marriage.
Do you want to give up? It's really up to you to decide, not him. You are in control of your choices. He may have fallen for someone else, for now, but that doesn't mean it will stay that way.
Focus on moving forward in a positive way rather than moving on.
Many of your online friends will agree that Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage and keep your family together. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
How do you picture giving up? What would you do differently?
Hi sandy
Actually that's a really good question and to be honest I probably wouldn't be doing much differently! I'd still be getting on with my life, catching up with friends and devoting my energy to my children.. I just have a candle burning in the background for my marriage that I refuse to blow out just yet, I suppose the giving up bit would be filing for divorce which I absolutely do not want to do. I don't want to give up hope for us, I really don't, I see that it is very very early days and I want to make sure that when I do file that 1. This relationship he has with this girl is real and not affair fantasy and 2. I have given up on the marriage
I totally wouldn't want to go back to the way we were before, we definitely have issues (solve able ones) that could be worked on to make a much better marriage in the end.
All my friends tell me I could never trust him again and I shouldn't consider taking him back after the way he has treated me but I just can't close the door completely on our marriage
Me 35 H 38 Married 4 years together 13 years Affair started sept 2015 BD 15th Nov 2015- husband left that night son age 3 daughter age 1
Hello Bex. Im very sorry you are here. Im just getting caught up, and this struck me.
THE DB process is really all about you. So, the changes you make should be FOR you. That means that really, these should be LIFELONG changes. If you get dressed up "just for him", then it doesnt really mean much in the long run; it comes off as a trick to "get him back". If you change for him, then a few weeks/months/years down the road, you will revert back to 'normal'.
I honestly think the only real issue we had in our marriage at the time of the affair beginning was lack of sex, but there were reasons behind it 1. We'd just had a baby and had another child aged 2! 2. i was in and out of hospital with my heart so really didn't feel up to it 3. We hasn't sorted out contraception and we got pregnant so easily with our daughter that any time he came near me I used to push him away which must have felt him feel rejected I know - the thing is we were never really good at talking about sex so it kind of became this elephant in the room that we didn't discuss! Anyway by the time I'd felt ready to get contraception sorted etc, went to the doctor to go back on the pill, he has already started sleeping with this girl 😢
When he has explained why he has this affair, he talked about sex a lot which makes me think that this was the driving by force behind it and probably what this affair is mainly about!
To be honest apart from that we were / are a brilliant couple we were partners and best friends, told each other everything, we were recently up until a year ago also business partners and worked together very day and never really annoyed each other. Nobody can believe this has happened and we were so happy!
Here's your side of the story. You think "everything was great but we didnt have sex enough. Here's the reasons why it's not a big deal."
What would HE say about your marriage? What about it drove him to look for support elsewhere?
In my opinion, affairs dont just 'happen'. It takes the Wayward spouse to be in the wrong frame of mind coupled with the opportunity. So what about the marriage led his mind to be susceptible to this?
Totally I get it and actually I'm not just doing it all for him, I'm doing it for me too, I really am getting myself happy and doing things for me now. I took myself off To London for a few days, got my hair cut etc all these things actually are making me feel happy with myself! I feel like I have lost touch with who I am in this marriage and it's quite nice rediscovering me, I became less confident and very dependent on him for my own happiness especially in this last year as we moved to an area where we had no friends and I was at home with the kids, I was lonely and miserable, I actually don't feel like that any more which is good!
Me 35 H 38 Married 4 years together 13 years Affair started sept 2015 BD 15th Nov 2015- husband left that night son age 3 daughter age 1
I honestly think the only real issue we had in our marriage at the time of the affair beginning was lack of sex, but there were reasons behind it 1. We'd just had a baby and had another child aged 2! 2. i was in and out of hospital with my heart so really didn't feel up to it 3. We hasn't sorted out contraception and we got pregnant so easily with our daughter that any time he came near me I used to push him away which must have felt him feel rejected I know - the thing is we were never really good at talking about sex so it kind of became this elephant in the room that we didn't discuss! Anyway by the time I'd felt ready to get contraception sorted etc, went to the doctor to go back on the pill, he has already started sleeping with this girl 😢
When he has explained why he has this affair, he talked about sex a lot which makes me think that this was the driving by force behind it and probably what this affair is mainly about!
To be honest apart from that we were / are a brilliant couple we were partners and best friends, told each other everything, we were recently up until a year ago also business partners and worked together very day and never really annoyed each other. Nobody can believe this has happened and we were so happy!
Here's your side of the story. You think "everything was great but we didnt have sex enough. Here's the reasons why it's not a big deal."
What would HE say about your marriage? What about it drove him to look for support elsewhere?
In my opinion, affairs dont just 'happen'. It takes the Wayward spouse to be in the wrong frame of mind coupled with the opportunity. So what about the marriage led his mind to be susceptible to this?
That's a tough question but you're right I need to be answering that. I suppose it was a communication thing generally in our relationship that was an issue- we got in great with day to day stuff but NEVER argued, always just brushed things under the carpet to keep the peace I suppose. I think There were other factors, he got a new job and I stayed at home with the kids, massive balance change in our marriage, we had worked together before that, earning equal money etc, his hours meant he was hardly at home at all do we barely saw each other, we did drift apart because of that, my health issues put a massive strain on us as I was very down, worried and anxious a lot of the time, I had no friends here so i was lonely at home so every time he came home I would just moan at him. The thing is all of this is within the last year..
Me 35 H 38 Married 4 years together 13 years Affair started sept 2015 BD 15th Nov 2015- husband left that night son age 3 daughter age 1
