Where I am...

[Georgia Bulldogs]

Did you say 60/40 in favor of you and she "missed" 20 days of her parenting time with the kids in 2015?

I'm glad you are keeping track. Journal/diary this stuff indefinitely.

Your kids will one day reach an age where they will choose to spend more time with one parent than the other. Being primary custody parent is an advantage but you also want things like living close to all their friends and being active in church to help push you over the top. You should always be preparing for the opportunity or maybe the responsibility to protect your kids from your ex-wife's detached, selfish, destructive and unhealthy ways. This OM or another OM might someday get creepy with your kids and having a huge catalog of evidence all ready to go of how you've already been the primary parent for the most part for 2, 4, 8 years will help you win your case.

I know it's not your long term goal right now. You are still getting your feet under yourself. But being pre-prepared for the chance you might need or want to act is wise.

Also - when your kids are teenagers they can really choose where they want to live and that'll most likely be you....the only parent that puts their needs about his/her own.

I'm also not saying this to be vindictive towards your ex- but introducing them to the person that played a part in destroying your family doesn't bode well for her being or becoming a great parent EVER. Like TX doesn't think letting OM off the hook is a good idea (I agree), I don't think letting way wards raise children is a good idea either. Your kids would be safer with you. If you can use her illness and ineffectiveness against her....you may want to try earlier than later to modify your custody order. Don't just let the kids spend "her time" with her parents because she's too sick to handle them. Instead of 20 days she misses custody - go for as many as you can get and document it all.

I'd also recommend that someday, if OM sticks around, that you warn your kids about him and let them know he's the guy the broke up mom and dad and split up their family. Kids need the truth to protect themselves. It's may feel better to conflict avoid and think it might be harmful to say that to young children but I'm of the belief that the truth and need to know overrides lying and covering up things. They will be more harmed learning the truth later and thinking back to all the gifts, hugs, kisses and time they spent with the OM (step dad someday). Honesty is the best policy. If and when your kids ask....tell them the truth. Expand where necessary. Just as you can't tell her who she allows to sleep over - she gets no say on how much truth you share with your children.

[NYGal]

Why can't I find Mona's page? Can someone post a link?
Thanks.

[Gmum]

Page 5 on forum right now. Page 8 in thread.

[mahhhty]

GB - It's like 58/42 or something. I am keeping track. And actually you were the reason awhile ago. I think you posted something similar about when kids grow up and that prompted the note taking.

So I made a mistake today and was caught.

I made plans with my sister to go to her house with my kids and see the cousins, and then go skiing on Saturday and Sunday. This required me to leaver early today.

I made those plans and then realized D had a Doc Appointment. So I rescheduled it out 2 months (it is her 5 yr checkup and was already pushed).

I then got this text from X:

If you couldn't bring her, I could have asked my mom?? She is over due as it is.

Then X's Mom calls, I was on a conference call and didn't pick up.

X then sends this:

In the future please consult me before you cancel an appointment for the kids. I could have made it work.

I called back the Doc and rescheduled for next Tuesday (there was a timely cancelation between my calls... go figure).

But I was already upset, and obliged her bait.... I responded at like take 5...

I've got an earlier appointment to Tuesday they had a cancellation. If you can't bring her I can. My reasoning was to help out my sister. How do we get to a point of mutual co-parenting for the best of the children.

I should haven't wrote it. But I was frustrated and let it get the best of me. I then wrote an additional response after I came up for air, but I haven't sent it.

"You were right about the appointment she needed something sooner. I made plans haphazardly ahead of time. I shouldn’t have rescheduled so hastily. I also shouldn’t have written the last question. When you read that sentence I bet you think I am putting it on you, like it is your issue to solve. I am not. It is ours to improve, I honestly don’t know how or where to start. He was brought to my attention a long time ago, before I stopped following you on insta/facebook, before I offered my kidney and before the letter. I waited patiently for you to step forward. I have removed myself from your family to the best I can giving you the space in which you wanted. But the kids are our connection, they tell me he is sleeping over and participating. As a loving father I’m asking you to be careful and look out for their best interests. 2 weeks ago D cried for almost an hr talking about you being sick, hospitals and me fixing it. They are scared, worried and don’t understand. But they pick up on fragments of every conversation. We are going to My Sisters’s. X-Nephew has had a difficult time at XMas understanding why you weren’t around. If possible please let me know ahead of time when you will be calling so I can get the kids away from him. "

I haven't sent the above. Having an outlet helps me, as long as I get there to use it.

[Vanilla]

So my lovely Mahhty

When are you going to go and have fun with the kids?

Have guests (not OWs) galore, friends, bbqs, Xmas dos, etc etc etc

And just get to it, go have squillions of giggly fun, aunts, uncles, cousins, woopie cushions, play dates, and enjoy life with those gorgeous giggles?

Now wouldn't that be a poke in the eye?

V

[mahhhty]

So my lovely Mahhty

When are you going to go and have fun with the kids?

Have guests (not OWs) galore, friends, bbqs, Xmas dos, etc etc etc

And just get to it, go have squillions of giggly fun, aunts, uncles, cousins, woopie cushions, play dates, and enjoy life with those gorgeous giggles?

Now wouldn't that be a poke in the eye?

V

You are right V. You had a profound impact on my weekend. I know I have been stressing and obsessing. I'm trying to figure out better ways to remove that. I obviously haven't been doing anything that is working for me.

Friday we went on a road trip to see our cousins, and played with them on Saturday and skied on Sunday. My S & D both skied for the first time. It was fantastic. We had a great weekend.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

GB - It's like 58/42 or something. I am keeping track. And actually you were the reason awhile ago. I think you posted something similar about when kids grow up and that prompted the note taking.

So I made a mistake today and was caught.

I made plans with my sister to go to her house with my kids and see the cousins, and then go skiing on Saturday and Sunday. This required me to leaver early today.

I made those plans and then realized D had a Doc Appointment. So I rescheduled it out 2 months (it is her 5 yr checkup and was already pushed).

I then got this text from X:

If you couldn't bring her, I could have asked my mom?? She is over due as it is.

If she had any sense of custody battle ammunition saying "I could have asked my mom" and still leaving the decisions to you instead of saying "I would have handled it and I already called and rescheduled it for _____, 2016 during one of my days" was completely stupid. It's actually good that you got that response and it's just one more document/statement of "I can't care for my own children" in your notebook of evidence SHOULD YOU NEED IT ONE DAY. See....the implication here is that you (and her mom) handle the kids medical needs and cares.

Then X's Mom calls, I was on a conference call and didn't pick up.

Good job not answering and getting this stuff in writing

X then sends this:

In the future please consult me before you cancel an appointment for the kids. I could have made it work.

You should have just said "Of course, I just didn't want to put more on your plate and this isn't your mom's responsibility"

I called back the Doc and rescheduled for next Tuesday (there was a timely cancelation between my calls... go figure).

Nice job taking the initiative and getting this rescheduled. Instead of engaging in a debate/fight about this issue (which is what they wanted to hammer home), you instead focused on your child's needs first and got her another appointment. Picking up that phone and calling the doctor was perfect. Kids first - then frame it in that context as though judge may someday read my responses

But I was already upset, and obliged her bait.... I responded at like take 5...

I've got an earlier appointment to Tuesday they had a cancellation. If you can't bring her I can. My reasoning was to help out my sister. How do we get to a point of mutual co-parenting for the best of the children.

I don't think this is bad. It's a nice open ended question with your primary concern seeming to be the children and their well-being (supposedly best achieved by great co-parenting) and implying that the failure to
co-parent is a joint responsibility and joint failure (meaning she is messing it up too and you just want to do better by the kids).

I should haven't wrote it. But I was frustrated and let it get the best of me. I then wrote an additional response after I came up for air, but I haven't sent it.

"You were right about the appointment she needed something sooner. I made plans haphazardly ahead of time. I shouldn’t have rescheduled so hastily. I also shouldn’t have written the last question. When you read that sentence I bet you think I am putting it on you, like it is your issue to solve. I am not. It is ours to improve, I honestly don’t know how or where to start. He was brought to my attention a long time ago, before I stopped following you on insta/facebook, before I offered my kidney and before the letter. I waited patiently for you to step forward. I have removed myself from your family to the best I can giving you the space in which you wanted. But the kids are our connection, they tell me he is sleeping over and participating. As a loving father I’m asking you to be careful and look out for their best interests. 2 weeks ago D cried for almost an hr talking about you being sick, hospitals and me fixing it. They are scared, worried and don’t understand. But they pick up on fragments of every conversation. We are going to My Sisters’s. X-Nephew has had a difficult time at XMas understanding why you weren’t around. If possible please let me know ahead of time when you will be calling so I can get the kids away from him. "

I haven't sent the above. Having an outlet helps me, as long as I get there to use it.

Obviously not a good idea. Especially in writing. You want to maintain a file that will please the court and make you appear the parent the most concerned with and active in the "best interests of the children". Sure XW having guys spend the night is not in the kids best interest but putting it in writing sure leaves a lot of room to make you appear vindictive and overly concerned with her sex life. Such items are best stated in person....face to face and let HER react in writing in an obnoxious manner if she so chooses while you respond with "I don't care who you sleep with. It upsets our kids and I have to deal with the fallout. I'd prefer you just keep single men away from our children. There are plenty of nights for you to date when they are with me. I just pray you'll exercise discretion and care when bringing strange men around our children with the understanding that pedophiles target single mothers with small children.".

[mahhhty]

Thanks GB. I thought I did pretty bad. That feedback helps.


As for the last piece, this text was only drafted. I never sent it. I kept it just on this board.

"You were right about the appointment she needed something sooner..."

I do appreciate the feedback. I'm still trying to sort through myself and keep it out of text messages and correspondence. The OM sleeping over was a tough trigger for me, and I believe her and OM may be bringing the kids to a ski mountain this weekend. That will be difficult too, but if I can work through them and learn I will do better.

[mahhhty]

Haven't been here in a little bit. After my last little bit I needed some downtime to figure things out.

Quick recap:

Monday - Brought D to school, worked, ran some errands then crashed I was beat from the weekend with our cousins, the road trip and taking the kids to ski for their first time. I did a lot of research too. I'll talk about at the end.

Tuesday - Went up to the town my business is in, worked from the neighboring business which is a coffee shop (they love me there, I meet so many new people just sitting there). Then had a parent teacher conference with X that night. She brought the kids, so I got to see them. Conference went well, the kids are flourishing. However, I asked if the two teachers thought there was any impact from the divorce. I could see X squirming in her seat because I asked. It is a pertinent question and I asked it. I feel better for doing so. After the conference, I meet up with some people and we kayaked at night (the river was lit due to street lights). Then hit a bar for dinner and beer.

Wednesday - Went back up to the business. Had a couple of meetings, then picked up the munchkins and hung out.

Today - After I brought S to school and D to daycare, I met her for another meeting with the school about S (he had a screening done and is good). It seemed as if she wanted to talk today. But I left quick. I was looking good. Pleasant and kept things light.

Tomorrow I'm getting with some friends and kayaking. Then Saturday doing a bunch of demo at the shop with about 10 people. And paddling again Sunday.

Research....
I think I'm on the cusp of accepting it. She's done a bunch of things that I don't agree with. The most hurtful. OM. OM meeting kids. OM sleeping over with kids. I either accept it or don't. And I think I'm close. I did a bunch of research on letting go, detaching, limiting beliefs, etc. I felt it was helpful, and I feel like I may have dampened the roller coaster a little. I also did some research on effectively communicating with a passive aggressive person. That was enlightening. It talked a lot about assertive communication (which I haven't been doing very well at).

I believe her and the D. Bag are taking the kids to a ski mountain this weekend. It will be important for me to keep my head on straight and have some fun, so I don't get mixed up in stupidness. Just this AM, my D talked about us being a family, the four of us. She is 5 and it is 1 year later, but I think it may be a function of X pushing the other guy on D and S. I wish she wouldn't push this guy on the kids while she is sick. But I can't control it and like many said I will come out the bad guy, even more than I already am.

I'm also really sick of hearing about how resilient kids are (the teachers brought it up). In the DB world, I think that is an excuse for those instances were people make poor decisions and don't do their best for their kids.

Anyway... game over. Time to pick up the munchkins.

[Gmum]

I'm also really sick of hearing about how resilient kids are (the teachers brought it up). In the DB world, I think that is an excuse for those instances were people make poor decisions and don't do their best for their kids.


YES * 1000