I promise not to eat anyone or yell! I appreciate your feedback and encourage you to tell me what you think. That being said...
I hope that you all understand that this isn't an ultimatum I shared with him. I'm cautiously optimistic that he will choose to work on our M.
However, I have been separated for 15 months now, and had a 5 month stint in MC with him last year. I know ambivalence when I see it. I don't mind him exercising caution while making progress, and I hope you don't think I want all of it right now. I am unprepared for that sort of progress--even in myself.
However, I can no longer tolerate spending a lot of money waiting for him to make up his mind. He's had one foot out the door for a long time now. As I mentioned, I love him and want him. I want him to rejoin our family and accept our faults for what they are and nothing more.
Spending $130 every other week for him to wait to see if there is something worth saving is no longer an option for me as it was last year. I will gladly invest in our M, knowing that it will take a whole lot of effort along with the check... but I won't tolerate him sitting there with nothing to offer.
Does this make any sense? I want some reassurance that he's in the game... not still trying to figure out if he still likes playing baseball and thinking about quitting for good.
I know that many of you feel that this is a hard line for me to take. But I've been emotionally separated from him for 2 years now. I will be turning 42 soon, and I want to make plans for my future--either with or without him.
I've given him the benefit of the doubt for a really long time now. Now it's time for me to get the same from him.
Renew, Mr. Wonderful either participates 110% or 0%. In the years that I've known him and been married to him, he hasn't operated any other way. Last summer, the extent of his participation in MC was showing up. I realize that it's a start. I felt that then, and I feel it now.
But he wouldn't do what the MC suggested or any homework that involved considering me in the future. I'll know pretty soon after heading into MC which path he will take.
Putting in an effort doesn't mean that he will be operating at a miraculous speed and rate of progress. It will mean that he's willing to really try to get closer to me. I'm a fair woman (for the most part) and will be able to discern that he's trying.
So trying will be considered as 110%. Not trying or being willing to make ANY move will be interpreted as being unwilling to work.
And if that's what happens, I will ask the MC to counsel me out of our M. That is, give me some help transitioning myself and our girls into living life separately on a permanent basis.
I love him a lot, folks. I really do. But for the first time in my life, I love myself more. I love my girls so much that I've been willing to make some big changes in my behaviors and how I think. I've learned so much. But I won't allow any man to hold me prisoner only because he's afraid of making a mistake. I've given him plenty of latitude and time to sit on the fence to figure this out. It's time for action.
Please feel free to give me your feedback....
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
