Wife is in love with another man

[Bear007]

wow... this is me

I have been a part of that type of passion for someone in the past (my wife for one) and understand how strong the desire is. It is something that cannot be stopped, and will continue to progress with or without my blessing. I do not want my wife to have feelings of shame or guilt, and I do not want her to have to hide her affair / feelings from me. That may sound a lot like a doormat to many, but I do want my wife to follow her heart and I do want her to be happy. Maybe this other man IS the one who will make her happy. If so, I want her happiness. That is not to say that I do not want to save my marriage, but I do want her to pursue her heart without remorse or guilt. Does that make any sense?

also part about my support for her last 10y and NOW she is getting a job and starting to contribute financially (not yet, but soon). I am so mad about that. Not telling her in face, but yes, I have been her financial support and now she is leaving and taking also half of what I have contributed to marriage.

Read my story, but we are so similar, except mine W has not moved out and I dont even know if she ever will, but she is definitely ILYBNILWY.

I have also accepted that there is 0% chance for now for her to change her mind, lost weight, started GAL.

Everything went so fast with you, I guess that would be my case if not for child.

[shreeve]

Thanks Bear, so good to have others in similar sitch on these boards. I've been reading them daily and it helps with any feelings of loneliness I have. I wouldn't say things went super fast, I am sure there are many more waves of emotions that I will go through (yesterday after seeing her for example). I still have a bit of trouble reaching 100% productivity at work, but really am happy with the changes I'm making, I really think I can be a great and more knowledgeable husband for someone in the future - maybe even my wife after our divorce.

You're absolutely correct, children involved makes everything more difficult I imagine. I have 2 children from previous relationships, and they are a bit devastated by the divorce. She has been a stepmother to them for 12+years. I think it helped me move forward with things after I was able to forgive her betrayal / deceit. Working hard on GAL and acceptance everyday now, and it's really tough. The most difficult part for me is keeping myself from calling / texting / writing letters. I do slip up on occasion but get back to it. Plus, she typically calls every day or every other day. Sometimes I go 3-4 days max without hearing from her. I also make keeping a busy schedule a priority, and that has been very helpful as well.

[G8r]

Shreeve,
Thanks for stopping by my thread. I'm with you. Although my head says things are over and I need to move forward, my heart is looking for the faintest glimmer of hope. TThe past few days have been quiet but today I'm really feel the need to have some hope for my M and it's really getting me sad. Funny, I wasn't very emotional before my sitch began.

I hear you on staying busy. Works well. My only problem with that is starting. Once I start it's a lot easier to stay busy. Be well

[Azzork]

I think it helped me move forward with things after I was able to forgive her betrayal / deceit.

Without reading back through your threads, why are you so quick to forgive this? For me, I understand why XW did what she did, but I certainly dont forgive it. Im capable of having a good co-parenting relationship, but Im certainly not at a point where the lies, the cheating, the deceit....where all of that is just wiped clean.

Maybe thats just me.

On some level, do you think you are forgiving her in your mind just so that you avoid thinking about all of that stuff?

[Zues126]

Shreeve...if your W started shooting heroin and was burning through your life savings, risking her life sharing needles, risking her freedom by stealing from her employer to fund the habit, and was letting her friendships and family relationships go down the tube...would you support her in that because it was her passion and you loved her?

Emotional and physical affairs are no different.

If you choose to accept this for any reason...because you are afraid of conflict, because you think your understanding will win her back, whatever...you are enabling her habit and will be responsible for your contribution to the downfall of this marriage.

We on this site believe in committed marriages, monogamy, and lifelong partnerships. We believe that when this is compromised there is something lost that cannot be replaced.

We don't advocate fighting for your marriage in the sense of trying to control her behavior. We do advocate fighting for your marriage in the sense of being a strong spiritual leader in the household and taking bold steps when appropriate.

Do you have any spiritual or moral beliefs that her behavior conflicts with? Or are you more of a believer in 'do whatever you want, it's all good'? I am not judging, merely needing to know how this fits in with your views of the world.

[shreeve]

Thanks Azzork and Zues. Azzork, it was more to do with what I was going through spiritually at the time of her BD. I had no anger or resentment, just forgiveness in my heart. I do see that she feels guilty and some part of her must recognize that she is irrationally justifying this selfish behavior. Over the last few days, I have had the chance to attend my divorce support group and spoken with a faith based and non-faith based counselor. It has given some clarity about the disrespect she has shown to me, my marriage, and our families. Her constant indifference and coldness are helping me realize that as well. If it was all so right and justified, I don't see why she would be giving me the house and helping me financially.

Zues, I have spent the last few days reading over the advice from Sandi2 about the LBS with WW. It's been incredibly eye opening. I cannot find where a new thread was started after the "Re: Help for LBH who has a WW (new thread)" ended. Is that conversation continued somewhere?

Although I did forgive her at the time, I was compelled to tell her that the decision was wrong, devastating to many, and of course it fell on deaf ears. I still had to tell her as at some point she will face reality and may remember my words.

Zues you are correct and I honestly appreciate your "slap in the face" advice. It helps me a lot. No, I would not support her addictive behavior, but cannot change my response to learning of the affair.

Yes, my spiritual and moral beliefs see that her decision is wrong and selfish. I did have a chance to let her know these feelings and did tell her.

My most recent counseling session left me with a book to read through, specifically the infidelity part. This, in conjuction with sandi2's wealth of information helped me see the reality of my situation with greater clarity. There is definitely no chance that my wife will suffer loss that makes her recognize the truth about her decision. The work to repair the marriage would be 10x harder than getting the divorce. That doesn't mean I wouldn't do the work, but I realize that she will not.

My focus is 100% on me, and my counselor does help me with actions plans / boundaries. I am at the point of acceptance (I hope), and I just want to be able to sleep again without sleeping pills and be able to get back to 100% productivity at work. I really got that conviction from counseling / reading / sandi2's threads and a lot of the responses and situation in her threads. I looked at the timelines in the signatures and got an idea of the length of the journey that lies ahead for me. My friends / family are very surprised with the changes that are happening with me and I want to continue to improve. I do have a positive outcome in my future regardless of my marriage situation.

Last night, when wife came by to drop the dogs off, I didn't have any urges to hug / small talk / ask questions. I was very confident / cordial, and kind of rushed her out of the house without looking at her much or making much eye contact. This helped so much. Before, I would sit and listen and try to be a "friend". I would get very difficult emotions when she left. After hurrying her out the door last night, I never had any difficulty with my emotions, so I felt it was a confirmation that it is the best path for me. I am not her friend, I am her husband (for a couple more months anyway). I do deserve respect and loyalty, and she has not given that. I do realize that we will have to have more discussions in the near future about my refinance / signing divorce papers / doing our last year's taxes. I will continue to be cordial and keep my discussions strictly "business".

If anybody knows where the "Re: Help for LBH who has a WW (new thread)" headed after the last page was closed, could you let me know. I can't get enough of sandi2's wealth of information, and want to continue following the poster's stories. It has helped me a lot.

[Zues126]

Shreeve, there was no slap in the face, just trying to explain that encouraging someone to go be happy wasn't always the loving thing to do.

There is definitely no chance that my wife will suffer loss that makes her recognize the truth about her decision. The work to repair the marriage would be 10x harder than getting the divorce. That doesn't mean I wouldn't do the work, but I realize that she will not.

Don't get into the fortune telling business. You don't know what your W is or isn't capable of. It's actually pretty diminishing that you don't think she's capable of doing something that requires maturity or introspection.

And no, rebuilding a marriage isn't 10 times harder than divorce. Sure, a fling with another person is easier in the moment...but divorce is so devastating people never even fully process the loss. They try for a few years, then they just leave it alone because it's like trying to understand the size of the universe. It is greater than we can comprehend.

This reality will affect WAW too. She can run but no one escapes the impact of D. Of course you're right in that she might not come back, and many don't if you look around, so it's a good idea to move forward with your life. But live in the present and let the future be a blank canvas.

I am at the point of acceptance (I hope)

This is really telling to me. Your reg date is 12/16 and you are talking about being in acceptance? You are telling your wife to 'go be happy'?

Shreeve...what I suspect is going on is that you have a super, super, super strong defense mechanism that protects you against negative emotions. I know, because you're looking at someone that has walked that walk. To look at a situation like this and know intellectually that it would devastate other people but then to conclude that is 'unnecessary' to feel that way, after all what's the benefit of suffering, the logical thing to do is to accept the facts and shrug and move along with your life, so that's what we'll do. It's called dissociation, where the emotions are unplugged.

I could write a lot about my experience with dissociation, but I'd rather YOU write a lot about it. Tell us more about this.

The problems are twofold: 1) the emotions DON'T go away, they keep trying to come back, and the longer you wall them off, the more problems they cause, and 2) you won't be able to have a truly intimate relationship with other human beings because people won't be able to connect with you.

You're talking to someone that watched his children grow up on the other side of a thick glass window, never able to connect, touch, or bond for 10 years. I nearly lost my opportunity to be a dad until I found out more about this. So this is no joke to me. And I've seen many signs of this in you.

At what point in your life did you decide emotions were inconvenient?

[shreeve]

Thanks so much for that Zues. I am very concerned that I am not supposed to be in acceptance" at this point. I am getting help form these boards / counseling / support group to understand the phases of grief and figure out where I am in that process. I found out on Christmas day that she was ILYBNILWY and not happy (same script we saw from sandi2's LBS threads). It's been emotionally terrible for these 5 weeks. I have sensed improvements and have had 3 "good" days in a row. Found some great stuff on "self-mindedness" that one of my counselors recommended, kind of meditation get in the "now" type stuff. It has only been 5 weeks and I anticipate that the emotional pain will be there for at least 10months-1 year, and then will be triggered by memories for the rest of my life. I guess I am so eager to move to the acceptance phase because I need to sleep and be more productive at work.

What else can I do besides read about these things / continue counseling / support groups / GAL etc.? Her coldness and indifference to me have made things very clear, and I know a long and difficult journey lies ahead. I would like to continue to learn new coping strategies that will allow me to have the emotions, but sleep well and work well. So yes, I am a bit lost, but do feel I have been getting more clarity with all of the support I am receiving. I am eager for more advice / opinions.

[shreeve]

Another question, my wife seems very eager for me to "move on" in terms of finding a new romantic partner. I never noticed that in any of the threads I've read over the last few weeks. Any insight or analysis of this? Has it happened to others with WW? Would it help alleviate her guilt in some way?

[trumpet]

shreeve,

I am probably wrong, but my wife has said the same thing. I attribute her telling me to move on from the guilt that is within her for having the affair. Does your wife have a high standard for others? Were her morals pretty lock solid? If so, she's really going against the grain of her life. If you're not burning bridges with her, it's her way of TRYING to burn a bridge.