Now what/ Take 2

[melweb]

Hi Zues. Thanks so much for for the reply.

Answering your questions: No, we do not have a counselor. Yet. As we are only 25 days or so into the "I am not leaving you," I got caught up in the euphoria and sheer delight of that. Several others have mentioned MC too, and I just have not broached the subject with him, as I felt it was still a touchy subject. Guess I called that wrong. Plus money is a huge issue for us right now, meaning we have none. We are currently living in an apartment while our house, in another state, is on the market.

Honestly, I do not know if he will go or not. My gut says no, but I won't know for sure unless I ask. I did find out there is a Retrouvaille near my city tho.

I do have an IC, whom I have not talked to in over a month due to said money constraints. He was the one who recommended MWD, and some of the DB principles that got me to where I am now. I sent him a quick email when H was fence sitting, but have not been able to tell him that H has said he is not leaving. I would LOVE to talk to him now, but I just do not have the money. Maybe next week.

At this point I kind of feel like H SAYS hes not leaving , but isn't truly "all in." H has said several times to me, after complimenting or praising him--which were my 180's that really worked-- "You'll say anything so I don't leave, or that I wanna hear." My answer, at the time was "Why would I do that?" and "Yes, I am say what you want to hear, because you should hear that I think you look nice, or sexy, but I am also saying what I want to say. I spent too many years not saying those things even though they were on my mind and I let the moment pass."

Regarding OSF: I do not care if he has OSF--or didn't, but the last three months have muddied the waters. I just don't want them to take precedence over me, or made to feel like its some clandestine thing that I am not privy to. Sure he can have privacy and his own life and friends, but I do not want to feel purposely shut out from that. Am I being too...protective? Clingy? I have never been one of those wives so this is new to me. He travels quite a bit for work and I have always trusted him in the past, and it has never bothered me. In fact, I have always maintained that was why we have been together so long; we each get some time and space to miss each other. Hmmm....guess I called that wrong too. Ok--batting ZERO today.

He did take heed to the fact that his cell phone use hurt my feelings because Tuesday night I did not see it at all. Not before, during or after dinner, or when he came to spend time with me in my room. Last night tho, it came out, he said he was talking with a co worker. I get he wants to unwind after work, and catch up on facebook, but there needs to be a line.

In other crushing news, as I pay all the bills, H had a recurring charge on one of his credit cards, that I had seen 3 months ago, but didn't really pay attention. Til today when I saw it again. Its an on line dating site. I have no freaking idea how, or if, I should address that. Other than those sticky wickets, he says he loves me, so happy I saved our marriage, he talks future, and 2 years into the future. We have plans for a date nite this weekend.

In the good news dept, I got a job. I start Monday!