I could hardly stay under the same roof, much less court him! He didn't really know how to encourage me, I suppose. He never asked what he could do to help me. I think he wanted to but just didn't know how. He had no idea about the mindset of a WW, and just expected me to immediately bounce back to my old self (the one who had always been the worker in the MR). He did do small acts of service, b/c that is his LL........but not really mine. He did not have the tools you have received. He didn't even ask for transparency, however, I had learned the importance of it from the board. So, I just did it.
He was kind and patient, b/c he is the nice-guy type. He forgave and did not throw it up in my face. He never has. I wanted MC, but he flatly refused. Whatever feelings he had, he kept locked away. He has never opened himself to me very much at all.
You have to remember, he was not the one who came here seeking help.......I was. So, it doesn't help you to look at my H, b/c he did not seek out any tools. He didn't work to change. I was the one who made the changes. The board was my counselor.
It should be noted [and Sandi has been around long enough I hope to not be offended or feel I'm bashing her and her husband by saying this - I'm trying to be instructional - not "destructional" - I apologize if I get something wrong and please correct any of the story I'm getting mistaken about] that Sandi's husband's strategy worked in part and didn't work in part.
Sandi fell off the wagon and continued her electronic affair secretly for quite some time after her first big Dday before getting busted or confessing again. Being "a nice and trusting guy" that didn't hold Sandi accountable and didn't inspect what he expected came back to bite him (AND SANDI) in the butt again thereafter.
What he did do right and eventually led to reconciliation is he remained a nice guy that didn't throw it in her face and was forgiving.
Tough love, self respect, what is a boundary and what is manipulation are very difficult paths to walk.
Waywards act like teenagers. You have to watch them like a hawk, sometime without them knowing. If you give an inch, they may take a mile some days and others be very respectful and appreciative of just the inch. You can ground (put on restriction) a teenager but you're probably not going to make them miss prom because they were late on curfew the previous week. Some day when they are adults (or the wayward comes completely out of the fog) they express their appreciation and understanding that you did everything you did to help them be and become better people. That you loved them enough to save them from themselves.
Sandi's husband messed up because he trusted her to implement and maintain "no contact" from the get-go instead of becoming her accountability partner who explained why "no contact" was important FOR BOTH OF THEM and helped her implement and maintain it (and catching her emotionally if and when she failed - for example if OM went around boundaries and contacted her).
Sandi's husband MAY HAVE BEEN able to save them both a lot of time but had he implemented such too strictly or harshly or meanly he might have lost what inevitable led Sandi back to him in the end ---- his kindness and Christian heart of forgiveness. Further....maybe Sandi wasn't really ready to give up OM and had her husband pushed their marriage would be over today because Sandi was still too foggy to allow her husband to "control" and watch over her. Sandi had agency and ultimate responsibility for her choices and the consequences resulting therefrom. They may have ended up divorced because Sandi couldn't handle being accountable OR they could have divorced because her husband wouldn't continue in the marriage without accountability. However, I tend to believe you can hurry recovery along a bit by just doing it right the first time and dealing with a little conflict up front rather than pushing the conflict down the road by simply over trusting and forgiving way too quickly (i.e. - NO CONTACT is so vital to recovery that it has to be an uncompromising boundary and commitment that includes enthusiastic voluntary mutually accountability just like you welcome her holding you accountable for your PAST porn problem).
You can handle her anger. You can be supportive of withdrawal. You can handle anything as long as she sticks to "NO CONTACT" with the hope and promise that things will slowly get better in a few weeks and months.
In the meantime - don't worry about whether she can ever love you again or any of that junk (sure she can - she loved you once - she can do it again) but for now maintain to the greatest extent you can your presence around her (while not pursing and pushing constantly to have serious talks - talk when she's ready but even then mostly just listen as God works within her to bring her to full repentance), distracting her from idleness (where she'll be her most weak and tempted to check on or in with OM), and engaging her in escapism (take her out for fun or on a road trip just the two of you to "get away from life" for a bit) all are great things to do while dealing with a withdrawing wayward wife.
BTW - no contact includes Facebook and social media. She's better off shutting down her online presence all together because he mind will tell her OM is watching and reading what she puts out there on social media so even NOT communicating with him IS communicating with him and she'll be tempted to stalk OM on social media to check in with what he's doing, posting, saying along with spending hours searching his friends and family for activity about him. My wife and I went social media free for several years. Considering your issues with porn you almost need to share a laptop at home that you both use and therefore have full access to at any time. Years ago I'd say get just one computer tower and nothing portable (get flop phones and no portable laptops that can be taken into private rooms and used nefariously - but the online world just isn't easy for people to just avoid or turn off anymore).
Another mistake Sandi's husband made - and I think it's a good selling point for the betrayed to give the wayward as they struggle with the why bother trying with a spouse I don't see myself ever loving again and I don't want to go back to my crappy marriage - was thinking Sandi would just "bounce back" into the same wife she was before. Correct me if I'm wrong Trumpet - but as I recall your marriage wasn't really working great for you either. Why would YOU want to simply go back to your old crappy marriage? Further - YOU actually have a biblical out. You can divorce her now AND, most biblical scholars believe, for the rest of your marriage based upon her adultery. It's kind of like someone borrowing your crappy beater car (that you loved anyway) and they completely total it. Instead of getting you a new car - they just fix the crappy car best they can and return it. You don't want that car anymore. You just can't love it again because it's driving crooked and making all sorts of noises - it's just not safe or fun anymore - SO you want a new car to love. It's the same with marriage after infidelity. The old marriage is gone and you BOTH failed at it. It wasn't making either of you happy or content so why go back? Instead - you BOTH ---- TOGETHER have the opportunity here to learn how to have a great marriage that is satisfying to BOTH of you.
So cliff notes version - your wife isn't in love with you and you aren't in love with her. How do you fall in love with someone - spend a lot of time together, talking, dating, meeting each other's needs the way they like them met and really coming into a mature marital relationship that values marriage and each other more than you ever have before.
A key point - your wife may have felt at one time neglected by you and unloved but if she really looks at how you've stood up and by her this last year, she should come to realize that she will NEVER be loved by anyone enough to put up with what she did to you and still stand there ready to forgive and love. No matter how this eventually turns out - you've done well standing up for her, your marriage and your family.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
