Divorce Papers

[TimR]

I posted about the Divorce Papers and one of the comments was to give some more information. Rather than just reply I figured I would do this as a new post. Sorry if this is a breach in custom. Also I have not memorized all the abbreviations so forgive me for not using them yet. Finally, I have the book Divorce Busters but am only on Chapter 5 so far. Some of it I am not sure I understand so will have many questions.

In my family there are the four of us. Me, her, and my two step kids. I love my step kids as though they are my own. That is easy to say but I REALLY mean it. The one is into a sport I excelled at, so I coach his jr. high team and run a club that teaches kids. I also run him to other lessons. We are always together. The older and I used to click too but now he is a teen and parents are not cool. He also has jealousy issues with the other.

About my marriage. Simply put I was neglectful. Even before marriage my wife would sleep on the couch. It started as once here and there. At that time I would ask and she would just say she fell asleep. Then I would try and get her back to bed and would fail. So I would give up and the dog would sleep in the bed while my wife slept on the couch. Then she would complain about the dog in the bedroom. I would be mean and tried kicking him out for awhile but when she would not come back I would give up. Then I just gave up trying. After marriage we RARELY had sex. We have only been married 3 years but I lived together for 4 years before that.

Then the fights started about sex. I would try and touch her and get "why are you doing this you never touch me?" Next time I tried it would take me longer to work up the nerve. Finally, it took a whole year with no contact for me to try and get rejected. Some times I would blow up about it and say this is no marriage. One time I took off my ring for about a month or two. I would pout and say mean things. She then would do the same. Talk about the cheeseless tunnel?!?
We tried counseling and she walked out after the second session. I did a reconciliation letter and tried leaving little notes and sending flowers. This did not go over well and she said it was creeping her out.

Now there is a guy whom she speaks with via text and social media. Maybe more than one. I do not know if it is physical. We are separated. I am living out of the home and soon she is getting an rental.

Like I said I am only on chapter 5 so far. Also I think I can not ask tell her my wants yet. She is very angry and we have had fights where I have slipped back to blame. I did help her find the rental in order to ensure the kids stay in the same school district. She actually warmed a bit and said she appreciated my help and thanked me. I am noticing the small things.

My goals are:
Her to allow one or both of the boys to stay with me occasionally on weekends.

For her to initiate a face to face conversation about something pleasant, not our current state of our relationship.

And to begin just small text messages to talk like we first started out.

Are these specific enough Action Goals?

If I were to Tell her My Wants, keeping it small and realistic I would say: I want us to still be friends and cooperate especially when it comes to the boys.

Any advice is certainly appreciated.