I'm here, surviving. This week is just rough. H and I are working out the D details. Any of you who have been through this already know how much this hurts.
Every time I disagree with something, I get subjected to spew and rage. It's just like dealing with a three year old. I'm exhausted. You will all be proud of me, though. As hard as it is, I'm holding my own, and am not backing down on what I need. Even with a spewing, raging, MLC monster throwing his best tantrums, I just hang in there. "I'm sorry you feel that way." "I can see how you might think that."
I'm not enjoying all this validating, but I trust MWD and her wisdom on this subject. It's not going to make much difference in the short term, but who knows what will happen in the future? I'm not sure I'll have any feelings left at all for H in the future at this point - but that's kind of the thing, isn't it? Don't slam and lock any doors. Tomorrow has its' own worries, and I have enough for today.
I'm actually pretty proud of me, in a way. We've completed discovery paperwork, and once he learned what I had on him, and figured out I had him in a place he wasn't going to be able to wiggle out of, he suddenly became agreeable to "working it out". It's not fun, but it is saving legal fees.
We should be done by tomorrow. If we can't agree on one issue, it's off to mediation. You guys really would be proud...when he starts listing off his complaints, I validate when needed, or stand up for myself when necessary. My favorite line from yesterday was my own! I heard myself say, straight to his face, "What I do, or do not do, is no longer any concern of yours. Please stick to the subject at hand."
Backbone, grown. H? Frustrated. I'm exhausted, but it is all nearing the end now, and I am both saddened and relieved. I need out of this pressure cooker. I'm winning the battle, and coming out with everything I need. It helps that I'm not being greedy in any way - just asking for what I'm legally entitled to for the time limit I'm allowed.
The extreme sadness has faded. It's like that last bit of mourning I did really cleared my vision. I'm not so sad about losing a cheating H. I'm sad for my children, and the loss of our family, and the loss of who H used to be. We all miss him - but he's disappeared. I can now look at H, and not feel such longing. I really do not like this preening peacock version. If this is what he was like as a teen, I'm happy I didn't know him then!
He really did enjoy the drama of knowing how much I was hurting, losing him. Now that I'm not hurting as much, he's feeling it and really acting out. He's lost his starring role, and seems to resent it. LOL
Divorce is hard. I wish people took marriage more seriously. I wish they took others' feelings more seriously, too. This ending of a life together, in terms of paper and contracts is just so empty and sad. I don't know how else to say it.
