Letting go, finally

[JGuy]

I have been doing a lot of GALing recently. Hanging out with friends and making new ones. I am doing a lot of inner focusing to get in touch with my feelings. Lots of reflecting on what I'm learning about myself from IC. I'm seeing more and more clues into my core fears that cause my own co-dependent behaviors. I'm bonding with others who can relate. It has been nice to hear about other people's woes as it takes the focus of mine for a change. The past 4 days were uneventful in terms of interaction with my W, but today we had an MC session where she was courageous enough to really discuss things openly.

She came out and openly stated that she wants to separate. She is scared about change, about shaking things up for our son, and she repeated what she has said previously which is that she would prefer to separate while remaining living together for the sake of the family. What I have stated previously, which I stated again, is that I am definitely not interested in staying in a dead marriage with no intention whatsoever of reviving it. I don't agree it would be good for our son to try and sustain a facade of marriage, especially while she continues her EA. Kids are smart and they can see what's going on. My W's gig is to hide things, that's what she has been doing all along. She's basically saying that she'd like to continue with that. This couldn't feel more wrong to me! My style is to be honest and transparent and be a living example to my son of how to embrace change and handle life's difficult situations with courage and grace. So, I'm not willing to go along with that.

The MC facilitated a discussion between us where it became starkly clear just how far out of alignment we are. Despite the fact that my W sees me as a wonderful man and father, she sees herself as irreparably tainted and unforgivable, unworthy of me. Her actions that led to the downfall of our M have a strange quality of appearing to be driven by a self-fulfilling prophecy in which she deeply believes she doesn't belong in the good life that we have created together. Since I have known her, she always spoke of a darkness in her heart, an unlovable view of herself which she was able to see, but never believed that she could ever overcome. I always cheered for her to fight it, to get help, to question those false beliefs, but they had a strength over her that in the end were much more powerful than any strength that I may have had to influence her.

Today, it became clearer than ever to me that one really cannot influence or motivate another person when it comes to these types of personal battles. They have to be motivated and ready to face it themselves. I am realizing that the big lesson for me is in learning to let people be in charge of their own lives. I need to value myself more by cultivating my ability to love and giving that love to whomever is willing and able to receive it. When I make a project out of trying to fix someone so they can receive my love, I am bound to fail. So it seems, letting go of my W is exactly what the doctor ordered.

The MC session proceeded with a discussion about how separation might unfold. We have already established that she would move out while I keep the house. But there are still many questions remaining to be answered. How soon should she move out? Should we do a legal separation, or just go straight for divorce? There are lots of little steps we can start taking, beginning with doing a budget and figuring out whether it's even possible for me to keep the house myself if I have to re-mortage after buying out her half.

Her fear of change makes her want to just avoid all of this, stay in denial, and maintain the facade of marriage. I don't support that intention at all. I have never been one to give up easily... I would rather see this as an opportunity to reinvent ourselves, face our issues, start from scratch with a beginner's mind, and give our M the last chance it deserves. It's clear that this just isn't going to happen. Ironically, since she's the avoider, it's likely going to have to be me who does all the leg work of making a separation actually happen.

While I have already been grieving and accepting the loss of my M for the past month, today there was a finality that brought feelings of anger and disappointment after the MC session, but also a feeling of relief and closure. My W was crying and apologizing for all of this mess as we left. I didn't really know what to say. She could choose to make it right, but won't. I shared a few words with her to this end, but I have to let go of trying to make her see things the way I do. This is really hard for me, even now that it feels final.

I'm going to sit with this and really challenge myself in the days ahead to accept that I must let her steer her own ship now. What she does with her life isn't my business anymore. All that energy I put into trying to influence her could be going into other things which I really can influence to create happiness for myself. Saying this is one thing, but doing it is hard. Here we go...