Simple and easy are two different things. This isn't easy. But it's pretty clear.
You love your H, and would love the marriage to work...and would be willing to address anything and everything on your end that led to the breakdown of the marriage. But you will not live in an open marriage, which you define as PAs, EAs, or Cam Girls. You understand that he needs to feel safe from being punished from past behavior, but you too need to feel safe from HIM. Given the history, lies, and abandonment what that would look like would be a full commitment followed by full transparency. If he was willing to do that you'd be willing to work equally hard to leave the past in the past and work anew on a better marriage and support him in any way you can. Anything less is not a marriage you will remain in. And while you're open to rebuilding at this point, you can't promise you'll always be willing because you have no intention on standing indefinitely as a plan B. So he'd better do some thinking about what he wants in his life. And unless and until such events occur your sole focus should be on you rebuilding your own life, so that you are emotionally and physically prepared for D and have the support you need to be the best woman and mother you can be.
That would be what I would communicate with him- ONE TIME ONLY. Then that would serve as my mission statement. I would work on detaching, GAL, 180s for YOU. Being a good mom. Being civil for the kids. I would avoid trying to control his behavior towards that recommitment in ANY way, shape, or form. I would NEVER bring up the R again, and if he did I wouldn't be interested in discussing unless he was ready to talk about a REAL R in which he took accountability for his behavior and was ready to make a commitment involving transparency. If the first words out of his mouth weren't "I'm ready to do what you asked" I wouldn't respond to anything he was saying, I would validate and LEAVE. NO REPLY. NONE. You've said what you needed to say. Saying anything more is contradicting your words, because your words are saying NO MORE OF THIS. Boundaries. Distance. Be friendly when you need to swap kids, validate if he says something, but STFU and walk away. LET HIM GO.
You go on your own journey from now until the day he says he's ready, or until the day you look around and you're D'd for 2 years and are open to other people glancing your way. But you get yourself to a point where you are ok with either outcome, and you aren't looking ahead, because you know you'll be ok, and you're happy with your life, who you are, and have faith that you'll be taken care of if you do what's right.
Can you do that?
Okay Zues..how are you doing? I want to say thank you again. It really does help to see things from a mans perspective.
I read what you wrote no less than 20 times. I let it sink in. I hesitated. I Didn't know, after the missing condoms, if I even wanted him anymore. I questioned whether it was him I wanted or my hope for who he can be.
If I wanted my tears and pain to lead me away from him. I asked myself how much more I am willing to take? Because I have taken a beating from him emotionally and mentally every day for over 2 years and it seems like if there is no end in sight.
But I did what Pink asked me to do when I first started posting. I made lists. I listed the things I have tolerated from him that I never should have. I also listed the things I love about him and like about him.
I looked at our kids and decided to do as you suggested. Tell him what I needed to and (hopefully and prayerfully) finally drop the subject. All of it. Ow, R, "us" etc.
Here is where it got tricky. He is not a written word kind of guy. If its too long he either won't read it or he will eventually but it can take weeks or months. I knew it had to be a talk. Ugh. So i bit the bullet and asked him. He was honest, which I respected. He said he would rather not as I get too emotional and it's more than likely that we would end up in an argument. So the compromise was that I leave it in a voicemail that he promised to listen to. I am not actually sure he will listen to it BUT I feel better after having done it.
I had your post up and wrote it down in my own words/voice and left the voicemail message. That was over an hour ago. No response from him (and he is awake) so like I said, he may not listen to it.
But I did it. And I admit I cried, but just a little at the end. And though I do not have a set timeline in mind like Mona does, I do know that I will not wait forever. But I am also not going to take my GF up on her generous offer of a match.com membership
I will do my best to work on me and do right for our children. If he catches up then we can move forward together. If he doesn't, I think I will be okay. Not immediately but eventually. The kids and I will be okay.
Now to tame this blasted mouth of mine and NOT let him bait me, guilt me or talk about our R. Thats the toughie.
And I knew going in that he just may say "hey thanks for the offer but please don't wait. I'm not interested. Move on with your life."
It will hurt like hell but acknowledging that it is a very real possibilty feels like I am at least trying to see things as they are and not only as I wish they were.
So here it is. He can tell me to go to hel l or not respond at all. So I will try to concentrate on me.
