Oh gosh, this thread is so helpful. Thanks, Painter, and all for the wisdom here.
Originally Posted By: Ancaire
I feel so much compassion when I realize how broken they are. No person who isn't damaged would do the kinds of things we're being tasked with forgiveness for. I can feel empathy and sorrow on their behalf.
When I get to that point, I'm able to forgive, based almost completely on compassion for another wounded soul.
So beautifully said, Ancaire. I get to that spot sometimes, too, and am grateful for it when I do. All of the detaching with love and not taking things personally pays off here and there...
I am nauseous and exhausted, having a bad night and feeling very alone. H has so many negative feelings for me and is working so hard to maintain them - it doesn't seem to matter what I do or don't do, it can always be used to make me look bad. He even says 'you're a good person' in a way that makes it a negative.
It seems that when we get closer and something positive is about to happen (we have a celebration coming up and talked last night about doing something nice for it), it has to be destroyed somehow. Once I feel broken down by something that is thrown at me (today it was what a failure I am professionally and financially), H acts nice and loving again - after saying "This is why this isn't working, one of us has to move out." Then he gets mad because I don't appreciate the little friendly gestures, but they just cannot mend the hurt and upset I feel at that time, so I end up getting very quiet.
I feel like I'm not doing anything right - and I realize I can't fix H or the M if he's not on board, but it's hard when he says he wants to heal the M but it feels he lets his anger and pride get in the way. Or maybe his heart just isn't in it.
He did something I didn't like today. One of the things I have asked, is that he calls me when he leaves work. This has to do with the A and rebuilding trust. He has a very long commute and I like to know when he's on his way. I also struggle with thoughts of how he used to spend that time talking to me, before he didn't want to anymore - because he talked to OW. He still doesn't want to chat with me much on the way home, which is difficult, but I try to trust that he's not talking to OW.
Today, he called me at the regular time, but had actually left much earlier than normal. He didn't say directly that he was just leaving, but didn't tell me he had left early, either.
Our conversation ended badly, with him berating me for not succeeding at a career I tried 12 years ago, and telling me it is 'exactly the same' as what I have recently started doing as a side job to generate more income (which has been one of his complaint, that I don't make enough money). I felt horrible but didn't want to argue, so I said "I'll see you when you get here" and hung up. He walked in the door 30 seconds later, startling me.
He did this once before a month or so ago, and I told him then that this kind of 'surprise' doesn't work for me - it upsets me when he isn't straight with me, because it reminds me of how he lied and deceived about the A. This makes him mad.
I'm sleeping in my own bedroom tonight, I have slept in H's room the last week and it felt like it brought us closer together, but I can't tonight.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
H feels that everything I say, is criticism or an attack. It's so bad that today, when I told him I had washed some of his nice pants in case he wanted them for a meeting tomorrow (I thought that was a nice thing to do), he defensively answered that he *had* nice pants that were clean.
I did forget to call his doc, so I'm not getting a second chance - he'll call himself tomorrow.
How do I deal with this?
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Painter, I understand. Once I asked H "how are you today?" and his answer was a very angry "What do you mean by that?" It is awful to be always walking on eggshells and be the target of so much anger and negativity.
I hope you get some sleep tonight and know that this really is not about you. If sleeping in your own room will give you the space you need, then stick with that boundary.
To quote you. "On a bad day, I'm committed to my commitment."
Painter, I understand. Once I asked H "how are you today?" and his answer was a very angry "What do you mean by that?" It is awful to be always walking on eggshells and be the target of so much anger and negativity.
I hope you get some sleep tonight and know that this really is not about you. If sleeping in your own room will give you the space you need, then stick with that boundary.
To quote you. "On a bad day, I'm committed to my commitment."
Hang in there, its just one more bad day.
Thanks for making me laugh! It's a sad award, but I think you just won it.
I remember years ago in court, when H was in a custody hearing with his ex. He was asked by her L (a very reasonable person who didn't like her own client much, but H didn't like her voice) what kind of relationship he had with his kids. That was his chance to wax about how close and loving they were - but he instead answered angrily, "What do you mean? I'm their father!"
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Painter, I understand. Once I asked H "how are you today?" and his answer was a very angry "What do you mean by that?" It is awful to be always walking on eggshells and be the target of so much anger and negativity.
I hope you get some sleep tonight and know that this really is not about you. If sleeping in your own room will give you the space you need, then stick with that boundary.
To quote you. "On a bad day, I'm committed to my commitment."
Hang in there, its just one more bad day.
Thanks for making me laugh! It's a sad award, but I think you just won it.
I remember years ago in court, when H was in a custody hearing with his ex. He was asked by her L (a very reasonable person who didn't like her own client much, but H didn't like her voice) what kind of relationship he had with his kids. That was his chance to wax about how close and loving they were - but he instead answered angrily, "What do you mean? I'm their father!"
To be fair, I went through the social services thing a couple of months ago...I was so angry about having to audition for the right to see my children that when I was preparing my summary the first three days all I could think to say is to tell them all I hoped they burned in hell forever. It's pretty disgusting.
Sorry things are so tough right now. I've posted a lot on Kyrie's last thread, her H is impossible to deal with. I wrote some good things about the mission statement and have quoted it. Have you stumbled upon that?
Keep expectations low and be patient. I am divorced, my life is good, I don't miss ex...but I have lost something I'll never get back. I played pool leagues tonight and I keep hearing stories about divorce...the guy I played talked about his first wife...the waitress there just left a friend of mine and is a WAW...everyone is split up...and none of them are leaving and pairing up with their dream spouse...it is one long story of tragedy, pain, and misunderstanding. The only question is whether you have tragedy, pain, and misunderstanding with one person for your whole life or not.
Cliff notes, be appreciative you have a husband you can sleep in a different room from and be hurt by.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Hi Zues, thanks for replying, I'll check out the posts you mention.
I understand your upset and emotion in your situation with your children - this was actually H's own court case to get more than 50% custody of the children because of the ex's mental health issues, and they were years into the divorce. He should have been in a different place and more able to be tactical. I do blame his L most, for not prepping him properly.
I'm not sure if this M is healthy for me. I have just been diagnosed with two conditions that are both aggrevated by stress. I felt much better when I was away last year. I feel like my spirit and body is suffering a lot from this situation.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
