Your whole attitude is pretty scary Shreeve. The whole "I love her more" because of this nonsense and basically doormatting yourself in the name of her pursuing "true love". I don't think you are thinking very clearly here. The heroin addiction metaphor is a good one. Condoning infidelity and her treatment of you is not healthy for you.
You are right in that you can't make her choices for her, but you don't have to support them. Your GAL is for you to move past a dysfunctional situation. Don't buy into the fallacy of soul mates and true love. Her volume of texts don't prove anything other than she is in the throes of the addictive nature of an affair. She probably felt the exact same way about you the first few months. Add in the adventure part of an affair and her feeling "alive" again after perhaps being numb or unhappy for a while and she not thinking of anyone but herself. Read some of Sandi's posts. Take care of yourself and do not accept and condone unacceptable behavior.
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
Flight thank you for your input. Yes, you are correct, I did let her know that it was the wrong decision and I do not see her much anymore. We only have contact to discuss the refinance and the divorce papers. It is very addictive behavior and I do have concerns for her, but have been GAL and feeling much better the last few days. Got out of the house everyday, things are heading in a good direction for me. Also got a counselor and a divorce support group that I go to weekly. Thanks again for all your help / advice, more input is certainly welcome.
M 43 W 45 M 10.5 T 15 S 26 D 17 (previous relationships) ILYB 12/25/15 + asks for D Confirm affair 1/10/16 W has D ready to sign, but agrees to wait for refinancing to go through (I get a house!)
Just a quick update. One month anniversary of ILYBNILWY was yesterday, and I'm surprised at how fast I have changed with GAL. There are still some very difficult emotional times but I certainly see I will be alright and have a bright future ahead. I did not think I would be coping this well so soon, and understand there may be another wave of emotions when I sign the paperwork. I am still not 100% with my focus, especially at work. I have a support group to attend Wednesday and counseling Thursday. Have continued my workout / mental / spiritual growth and am on a great track! 35lbs down and starting to feel really great about things. Emotions take over only once or twice a day, some days they don't impact me that much at all. Still not giving up on my marriage, but I'm only 1/2 of it so....
Thanks so much for the support here on the boards. I still read the infidelity section of DR every week, and am reading the 5 love languages now among other things.
M 43 W 45 M 10.5 T 15 S 26 D 17 (previous relationships) ILYB 12/25/15 + asks for D Confirm affair 1/10/16 W has D ready to sign, but agrees to wait for refinancing to go through (I get a house!)
You definitely ARE way ahead of the game with just a month under your belt! Keep going. There will be setbacks, but if you have a lot going on in your life, that will help you. Continue to take care of yourself and watch from a distance and see what happens.
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
Thank you flight! I have been getting so much better at coping with the pain, it does not completely take my focus now and seems to occur less and less each day. My schedule is packed with dinner with friends / support groups / counseling / gatherings - I am feeling a good deal of confidence and have a great hope for my future. I have so many great friends that take the time for me and are there to help / listen. I guess I'm seeing that I may have lost my marriage, but I have a lot of wonderful gifts in my life and a positive future.
M 43 W 45 M 10.5 T 15 S 26 D 17 (previous relationships) ILYB 12/25/15 + asks for D Confirm affair 1/10/16 W has D ready to sign, but agrees to wait for refinancing to go through (I get a house!)
Well, she came to drop off some money she owes me today. I can sense that she has no feelings for me at all, but I remain positive. I have accepted the reality that there is about 0% chance that I will be able to reconcile with her, there is nothing in her heart for me. That's not to say that I have given up hope, but my main focus is still myself. Her license came through yesterday, so she should start working her 150k / year job on Monday. I can't help but be proud of her achievement with the career. I am sad that it is not part of out future we planned for that last 3 years though. I have been doing so great coping with the emotions of this but it certainly stings a bit when I see her in person and she has no care for me at all. Quickly channeled that anxious feeling into extra motivation for a quick workout though I came to this forum for hope, but as I continue to focus on self and GAL, I have a new hope for my future. I really feel that in a couple years, I will be able to offer a great relationship to the right person - someone who would never betray or deceive me, or break out marriage vows.
M 43 W 45 M 10.5 T 15 S 26 D 17 (previous relationships) ILYB 12/25/15 + asks for D Confirm affair 1/10/16 W has D ready to sign, but agrees to wait for refinancing to go through (I get a house!)
I think the measuring stick I found and one my IC reenforced is how much I talk about ME and not HER. You are truly getting detached when everything isn't about her reaction or lack thereof or how you are feeling about HER. My time lately has been talking with attorneys, friends, family, business associates... about the things I would have talked to them about before all this. There is a strange calm in all that. Maybe I can get my appetite back now Sounds like your GAL is working!
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
Appetite is definitely back for me Flight. I'm really worried about the portion sizes increasing, and what's this with my stomach growling at 8-9PM?? Had to have a snack tonight. I will keep my energies focused on relationships that I DO have, thanks for the advice
M 43 W 45 M 10.5 T 15 S 26 D 17 (previous relationships) ILYB 12/25/15 + asks for D Confirm affair 1/10/16 W has D ready to sign, but agrees to wait for refinancing to go through (I get a house!)
Your wife is a cheater who left you for the OM. You're fine with it, love her more for doing it (whatever that means), and are feeling good about moving on.
I came her for support / advice / opinions. I also came here because I read the book and it gave me hope. I am focusing on self, and have hope for a bright future. I still have not given up hope of reconciliation with my wife and believe she is blinded by her emotions at this time. I won't give up on her
M 43 W 45 M 10.5 T 15 S 26 D 17 (previous relationships) ILYB 12/25/15 + asks for D Confirm affair 1/10/16 W has D ready to sign, but agrees to wait for refinancing to go through (I get a house!)
I came to this forum for hope, but as I continue to focus on self and GAL, I have a new hope for my future. I really feel that in a couple years, I will be able to offer a great relationship to the right person - someone who would never betray or deceive me, or break out marriage vows.
Sounds like your GAL is working!