I am nauseous and exhausted, having a bad night and feeling very alone. H has so many negative feelings for me and is working so hard to maintain them - it doesn't seem to matter what I do or don't do, it can always be used to make me look bad. He even says 'you're a good person' in a way that makes it a negative.
It seems that when we get closer and something positive is about to happen (we have a celebration coming up and talked last night about doing something nice for it), it has to be destroyed somehow. Once I feel broken down by something that is thrown at me (today it was what a failure I am professionally and financially), H acts nice and loving again - after saying "This is why this isn't working, one of us has to move out." Then he gets mad because I don't appreciate the little friendly gestures, but they just cannot mend the hurt and upset I feel at that time, so I end up getting very quiet.
I feel like I'm not doing anything right - and I realize I can't fix H or the M if he's not on board, but it's hard when he says he wants to heal the M but it feels he lets his anger and pride get in the way. Or maybe his heart just isn't in it.
He did something I didn't like today. One of the things I have asked, is that he calls me when he leaves work. This has to do with the A and rebuilding trust. He has a very long commute and I like to know when he's on his way. I also struggle with thoughts of how he used to spend that time talking to me, before he didn't want to anymore - because he talked to OW. He still doesn't want to chat with me much on the way home, which is difficult, but I try to trust that he's not talking to OW.
Today, he called me at the regular time, but had actually left much earlier than normal. He didn't say directly that he was just leaving, but didn't tell me he had left early, either.
Our conversation ended badly, with him berating me for not succeeding at a career I tried 12 years ago, and telling me it is 'exactly the same' as what I have recently started doing as a side job to generate more income (which has been one of his complaint, that I don't make enough money). I felt horrible but didn't want to argue, so I said "I'll see you when you get here" and hung up. He walked in the door 30 seconds later, startling me.
He did this once before a month or so ago, and I told him then that this kind of 'surprise' doesn't work for me - it upsets me when he isn't straight with me, because it reminds me of how he lied and deceived about the A. This makes him mad.
I'm sleeping in my own bedroom tonight, I have slept in H's room the last week and it felt like it brought us closer together, but I can't tonight.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17