Time for a new direction

[mleigh4]

Wonka - thank you so much for directing me to look into daughters of narcissistic mothers. She has many of the traits, spot on. Me as a daughter, I have the issues of boundaries, self esteem, fear of upsetting her, guilt...so many things that come into play in my relationship with H. I am on the right track of healing from her abuse, including no contact, which many do after trying to live with it, followed by avoiding contact. I have a new focus of some self help work to do.

Job - the sensors concern me because those are on top of the surveillance cameras he has inside and outside his place. It's like Fort Knox over there! He does not want anyone sneaking up on him, that is for sure. I enjoyed the piecing story, thanks again. Ok, been giving the coma scenario a lot of thought and have found it very helpful. Thankfully, it isn't the case, but:

H is unable to communicate with me about his thoughts and feelings.
H is unable to make any big choices or decisions right now.
I don't know how long it will be if and when he wakes up.
I don't know who or what he will be like if he does.

That is pretty heavy to accept but very true. I get it. No, it would not seem right to leave him or give up on him in this condition.

Cali - I actually do daydream about having someone in my life, someone with different personality traits then H. I miss having a companion. Now, in reality, would that be good for me and S right now. No. Would I be able to do that and hide it from S? No. That feels icky just to think of it. So, would anything change if I pursue D? Yes, but not a whole lot in my favor, other than being free of limbo. In all honesty, I love the way my lifestyle is right now and I truly enjoy my space at home, I enjoy being R free, I am so excited about the coming spring and summer, I even have come to enjoy my S free nights.

Hawho - I love your description of H! Actually, sad to say, even his normal personality can be quite boring. I am the lively one. But most the time, I was happy and grateful for H low key ways, compared to the drama marriage stories I would hear from friends. Little did I know H was just waiting to blow. Interesting that you see similarities between your mom and H, and the strain they cause you. I am there. I have been wondering if my stand to cut off my mom is what is causing me to want to cut off H too? Kill 2 birds with one stone, you know? To answer your question, I think my urge to give up comes from the huge disconnect that has evolved with H....more on that in my journal later.

Bright - I am sorry you too have issues with your mom. I hope we can learn how to heal properly from that.

Sotto - I agree. H is definitely acting on my message to him. I see a total change in his demeanor...

Which comes to me journaling some thoughts that have been swirling through my mind.

My message to H, that I am ready to finish what has been started, that I know I will be A OK. Ya, he did not like that. He has been short and sounded very down when he called S last night in a response to a TM I sent him. He couldn't look me in the eye the other day either. I can see, there was no reason for me to throw that out there. Those were just hurtful statements, and I do believe it hurt him. I learned from the best (mom) and I don't want to behave that way. I had already told him he is free to get the rest of his things, I could have just left it at that. I see it and lesson learned.

I had spent the morning with my girlfriend that day and did a lot of talking about H. I am seeing a pattern that it gets me feeling a bit riled up, a bit frustrated. She tends to not understand how I can be happy being man free. She tips from hoping H wakes up to trying to set me up! She means no harm, but my message could have been a reaction from that. I have learned that the less I talk about it, the better. I have just been feeling so many changes going on within me, it felt natural to try and talk it out.

So, I believe much of my turmoil comes from feeling completely disconnected from H. Basically, we live like we are divorced. Our contact is in relation to S. The more time that goes by, the further we drift from one another. I don't see this getting any better....

So I have been pondering some thoughts. Either I can get myself into the mindset, we are divorced, just continue to live my life as is and accept that until one of us is ready to make it legal. And of course, who knows what may happen during that time, but try not to think about that.

Or....would more contact be better for us? H had already expressed recently that he wanted to be a part of things I did with S, and I snapped back at him that he can't have that when he leaves his family. However, if I could balance in some family time without thinking of it as cake eating, without it sending me into a tailspin, it could help me to feel some connection with him. It could be the start of us rebuilding a closer friendship, then who knows what....truth is, I think we both like and prefer our living situation right now, so would it be bad to spend time together? Hard to believe I consider this, I have been so against it, but I wonder if in my case that might be a mistake. It could be pushing me further away. I am talking about ME, not H.

Just thinking it out and going to keep thinking it out. I just see myself drifting further and further away from having anything to hold on to with him. So many of my feelings are fading with our lack of time together, I find it harder and harder to see myself feeling close with him again. I would think that is normal, the less time you spend with someone, the more they fade in your life...

I am staying quiet, lots going on in my mind right now. Still listening for those answers. I know they will come!