WW, My Addiction, Patience, and HOPE Part II

[Rednail]

Trumpet- one day at a time is my motto right now too. If my days bad, I tell myself just take it an hour at a time and it is only ONE day. I really hope you guys have a good week and some good interaction this weekend! I feel your pain on not wanting desires to turn into expectations. I'm working on that too.

[trumpet]

Rednail,

The first two months after BD I REALLY faked the happy when I thought I needed to. Otherwise, it was full crisis mode.

I can now be at home, with wife, and show real happiness that is coming from within. I have learned a great deal in making sure I'm happy. Every day seems to be an adventure right now.

[sandi2]

Should I give her credit for taking that step?

Yes, I think you should. I mean, they are steps in the right direction. She doesn't have to be doing cartwheels, just do the right thing.

I would just do a follow up of checking her phone.....say about Sunday night before you go to bed. By then, the withdrawals will be kicking her butt and she'll think she's convinced you that she's not contacting the OM. So, when you check her phone you will see if #1) she thought that's all it took to convince you AND she's back to contacting again; or #2) she is sticking to the agreement. Of course, she could take it deeper underground, but you can't make that determination based on just looking at her phone.

I know you want to help her, and your biggest help will be in keeping her preoccupied with family activities, going out, and listening. Don't fall back into passivity, continue showing strength, and don't fall down on the transparency. Give her credit when she earns it, but you can't afford to let her slide by or she'll be right back to the A again. For the most part, she will have to face the temptation, bite the bullet and get through the withdrawals.......and you can't do it for her. This part is her problem. Yes, you made mistakes and contributed to the breakdown of the MR, however, this particular part of the work (the withdrawals) can't be done by anyone but your W. In fact, it would be a mistake to try to help her too much in the area of withdrawals. IOW, you wouldn't want to start making too many allowances for this or that excuse she might give.

It could be compared to parents who are overprotective of their kids, especially to the point of trying to do everything for them. (Overprotective is the word that was used back in the day. It may be different these days). In order to have a healthy adult child, a parent has to stand aside and allow him/her to deal with circumstances. That is similar to the LBH who has a WW. He can try to encourage and support her, but in the end, it is his W that has to go through the pain and temptation.

[trumpet]

Thanks, Sandi.

Did you husband do anything for the sitch that sticks out?
Did he do loving acts of service? Words to encourage?
Start courting you again?

[Vanilla]

Drop the stuff on the dress code. Your W can dress as she pleases for herself. As deal breakers go this isn't one.

In my view space for each of you to respect the others choices in some areas.

My WH once said "you are old fat and frumpy. You need to be more attractive to me"

My response to myself "you are old, grumpy, smelly and bald......

Don't create a list of demands or keep a score card. I am not sure it will help.

V

[G8r]

Keep doing what works for you. I've been following your sitch for hope and inspiration. Hope things continue going in the direction you want them to go.

I'm curious. Would your response to your W's petition for divorce included adultery? I'm expecting papers soon and I don't know how I want to respond. It might make me feel better for a bit and help get me,more than every other,weekend for custody but I don't think it will allow potential for R later after we both have had time to get rid of anger and hostility towards each other.

[TxHubby]

It's good advice to acknowledge everything she does right. Positive reinforcement works on adults as well as children. You always have to show them there is a path back home. That's important. If they believe there is no path back to the M then there is no point in them doing any hard work. You also have to acknowledge that you're willing to put in all the effort that is needed BUT if they don't follow the path then you'll have to respond accordingly (180, lawyer up, file, whatever).

[trumpet]

G8r,

My 'answer' or response wouldn't include the adultery. It makes absolutely no difference in WI. No fault state.

She is a good mom, and she wanted 50/50 custody from the paperwork, so we would have most likely gotten the financials and child placement down pretty easily.

My telling everyone she had an affair, and it possibly being in the court docs, would put more shame on my wife, and would have made reconciling harder. Those who are in my inner circle knew - those in her inner circle knew, and were ok with it (REALLY? SO IF YOUR HUSBAND CHEATS ON YOU, IT'S OK?)

Sorry, today I'm dealing with a few friends who I'm angry and disappointed in. I can kind of understand not taking a side. I don't have a clue what you're thinking when you're a Christian, and don't have a backbone when someone is doing something they shouldn't be doing, and you continue to support them. Would they let a friend steal out of their house? Steal their car?

If you love them - GREAT! But turning your eyes to bad behavior, when you know better, just gets me upset. I know it happens all the time, but if you're a friend, show love, and at least make an effort to show them the other side of the coin.

[G8r]

Trumpet, thank you for sharing that. I live in a no fault state as well and all it might help with is having her pay L fees and it prevents her from alimony (but I dont have to worry about that). Initially I was leaning towards including adultery, but it makes less and less sense. I think I wanted to include it because I was angry and hurt and I tend to lash out in those situations. I've been praying for help as well as the strength and wisdom to let my WW go as well as for help forgiving her (won't tell her that though, lol). I don't want that burden.

Hearing you and others talk about your faith has been inspirational. I've returned to the church but I still don't know what faith feels like. I tell myself that I believe and I think I feel like I believe but sometimes I wish I could pinpoint some feeling and say, yep, I truly believe. It's not like I have doubts, it's just that I expect some type of feeling. Maybe I've just shut off all feeling for so long that it's there but I just don't recognize it.

Thank you!!!

[sandi2]

I could hardly stay under the same roof, much less court him! He didn't really know how to encourage me, I suppose. He never asked what he could do to help me. I think he wanted to but just didn't know how. He had no idea about the mindset of a WW, and just expected me to immediately bounce back to my old self (the one who had always been the worker in the MR). He did do small acts of service, b/c that is his LL........but not really mine. He did not have the tools you have received. He didn't even ask for transparency, however, I had learned the importance of it from the board. So, I just did it.

He was kind and patient, b/c he is the nice-guy type. He forgave and did not throw it up in my face. He never has. I wanted MC, but he flatly refused. Whatever feelings he had, he kept locked away. He has never opened himself to me very much at all.

You have to remember, he was not the one who came here seeking help.......I was. So, it doesn't help you to look at my H, b/c he did not seek out any tools. He didn't work to change. I was the one who made the changes. The board was my counselor.