Hi Bex, I'm in a similar situation of wondering when my W's affair will end. NO ONE believes it will last. There are so many factors working against it. But we just have to be patient. Easier said than done, I know. Believe me, I know. When the A ends, or even sooner, your H has to work on HIM. Then he can work on the M. He has to figure out why he makes the mistake of leaving you. Twice now? That's insane. The affair fog is a powerful soup. Hopefully a strong wind will blow it away soon. Just keep posting and try your best to GAL. It's all we can do, really. All the best to you.
NY gal
How long since your wife left you? How are you coping? The AP are they younger / older? Sorry for all the pain your going through, I feel it- my heart actually aches 😭😭😭
Me 35 H 38 Married 4 years together 13 years Affair started sept 2015 BD 15th Nov 2015- husband left that night son age 3 daughter age 1
Is there any way you can get someone out of the affair fog???? I feel like he is so blinded by this stupid affair it's killing me and they've only been together for 4 months in total 😩
Me 35 H 38 Married 4 years together 13 years Affair started sept 2015 BD 15th Nov 2015- husband left that night son age 3 daughter age 1
Read up on Sandi's posts on wayward wives - the affair fog is talked about a lot in those.
From what I hear, it can be easier to clear the fog on a wayward husband. Us guys are a bit more simple than the female kind. Emotional attachment happens with wayward wives. I'm no expert, though. Someone else will likely have a more educated answer.
If it is a MLC, I do know those can go on for longer. The search for the fountain of youth is exhausting.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Bex- I honestly don't think the affair will last. Just keep working on yourself. I know its really hard with young kids, mine are young also. I'm trying to do things that make me happy so that easy if my husband never comes back..well hey I'll still be happy..or at least trying to be.
Bex- I honestly don't think the affair will last. Just keep working on yourself. I know its really hard with young kids, mine are young also. I'm trying to do things that make me happy so that easy if my husband never comes back..well hey I'll still be happy..or at least trying to be.
Rednail it is so hard with young kids isn't it?! The only thing I'm grateful for in this is that they are so young they don't really get what's going on- we've told them that daddy has to work away and they accept it.
I am totally trying to get my life back together, I'm trying to keep busy but it's difficult to have time to do nice things for me with 2 pre school age children! Anyway they keep me busy and are the sole reason why I haven't fallen to pieces to be honest, they are keeping me sane!
How long has your husband been gone for?
You know my head tells me the affair won't last but my heart is terrified that it will! If I was an outsider in this is bet money on it not working out but it's so hard when it's you isn't it to not be scared that this might be one of those very few affairs that turn into actual relationships..
Me 35 H 38 Married 4 years together 13 years Affair started sept 2015 BD 15th Nov 2015- husband left that night son age 3 daughter age 1
Is there any way you can get someone out of the affair fog???? I feel like he is so blinded by this stupid affair it's killing me and they've only been together for 4 months in total 😩
Nothing is guaranteed, however, the more the LBW acts clingy, needy, critical, and especially demanding.....the more she is chasing the WH away to be with his AP. Women tend to guilt trip men. She gets angry b/c he isn't being the man/husband/father he needs to be, so she'll either b'tch at him, nag him to death, or blast him out. Well, it sure won't cause him to feel attracted to her. As women, I think that may be the hardest issue for us.....complaining about what the H is "not" doing right. Or....we disguise the real issue we are having by using something else to complain about. More men have said that their WW or WAW never told them how unhappy she really was. Can you imagine? We know we talk to these men! However, we tend to talk a different language or in codes.....and expect them to interpret what we truly mean.
We also tend to be more manipulative (IMO). We are not beneath using our feminine wiles to accomplish what we want.
Don't tell the LBH's I said this, but I think it is easier for the LBW to draw back the WH. Like Trumpet said, women are more complex, plus when the W is done with the MR, it is usually after a long time of other things building in her. I maintain that more husbands could draw their WW's back quicker if they would do what is necessary. The problem is that most LBH's, that I have seen, are the nice-guy types.....which does not work with a WW. These guys are very reluctant to change b/c of the fear they have that the WW will D them.
Okay, so with all that said, you need to know you "can" draw/influence your H back into the MR.......however, it will take time and lots of work. In DBing, we spell work as "c.h.a.n.g.e.s."
Have you read all the links that Cadet sent you? Be sure to do it. Next step is to let go of your WH. If he is not financially supporting his child or his obligations, then get the legal help to pursue it. The other things, let it go. Will it be difficult? Sure! Thing is....no amount of pressure you apply is going to make him want to leave this young thing and go home and be the responsible H and father he should be. The only way to encourage him back to the home fires is to be the attractive woman you can become. Hey, there's nothing we can do about our age, but most things we work to make the most of what we have.
While you are leaving your WH alone, do some deep soul searching. Maybe even make a private list of the various ways you have shown disrespect for him as a man. How about as the leader, protector, and protector of the family? Maybe you have just cause for any lack of respect you have, if so, what is it? Do you make him the butt of jokes, put him down in front of the kids, relatives, friends, etc.? Do you argue or say things to him, disrespectfully, in front of your child or anyone else? Do you show him admiration? (That's the tough one for me). How was the sex life, before he left?
Maybe he's just awful and has abused you. How did he treat you before he started this A? Have their been any type of A's in the past for either of you? Sorry, if you've said and I can't remember. Do either of you have problems with honesty or jealousy (before he cheated, of course).
Lots to think about, and may not feel too good, but will help if you can be painfully honest with us. Don't discuss any of this with him right now.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I honestly think the only real issue we had in our marriage at the time of the affair beginning was lack of sex, but there were reasons behind it 1. We'd just had a baby and had another child aged 2! 2. i was in and out of hospital with my heart so really didn't feel up to it 3. We hasn't sorted out contraception and we got pregnant so easily with our daughter that any time he came near me I used to push him away which must have felt him feel rejected I know - the thing is we were never really good at talking about sex so it kind of became this elephant in the room that we didn't discuss! Anyway by the time I'd felt ready to get contraception sorted etc, went to the doctor to go back on the pill, he has already started sleeping with this girl 😢
When he has explained why he has this affair, he talked about sex a lot which makes me think that this was the driving by force behind it and probably what this affair is mainly about!
Me 35 H 38 Married 4 years together 13 years Affair started sept 2015 BD 15th Nov 2015- husband left that night son age 3 daughter age 1
To be honest apart from that we were / are a brilliant couple we were partners and best friends, told each other everything, we were recently up until a year ago also business partners and worked together very day and never really annoyed each other. Nobody can believe this has happened and we were so happy!
He is also a brilliant dad and has dedicated all his days off to having his kids, he is a chef and works crazy hours so the only really time I can see that he's even got to see this girl is from about 11pm to 8am! (I saw from his emails before He found somewhere to live that they were literally checking in to cheap hotels at about midnight and checking out again early in the morning and they don't have any more time now than they did then!
Anyway I am letting go, getting on with my life, house hunting for a new place for me and the kids and having fun with my friends 😀To be honest in retrospect I feel happier now than when he was having an affair behind my back - that was bad, he was so horrible to me and non supportive, I felt so isolated and alone at that point
Me 35 H 38 Married 4 years together 13 years Affair started sept 2015 BD 15th Nov 2015- husband left that night son age 3 daughter age 1
I have cut off all contact with him apart from the kids but the last time he picked up / dropped off the kids it's felt like he is now doing the same 😩 Up until then he was still starting conversations with me or asking how I am etc but he hasn't even done that now- I feel like he's just doing what I'm doing which really upsets me! Is that normal or a bad sign?
I always make sure I look good, confident, am friendly but not chatty and he always looks non smily and a bit down and stressed!
Me 35 H 38 Married 4 years together 13 years Affair started sept 2015 BD 15th Nov 2015- husband left that night son age 3 daughter age 1
His brain, his soul is telling him he's way off target. His heart is telling him to keep going.
Of course he's 'down and stressed'. The conflict within him is huge.
Continue to do things for yourself and the kids. You need to find strength that you thought you never had. You WILL find it, and you will be wife and mother that he only dreamed about.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
but I think it is easier for the LBW to draw back the WH. Like Trumpet said, women are more complex, plus when the W is