WW, My Addiction, Patience, and HOPE Part II

[trumpet]

After riding the rollercoaster yesterday, I came home grumpy.
Wasn't the projection I wanted to portray, but I was tired, and it was snowing, so I had some white-knuckle driving under my belt with kids in the car.

Wife is still expecting me to just be peachy when I'm around her. She did me a favor, right? No divorce, I should be just jumping through hoops for the family and for her now.

After a little heart-to-heart last night, and expressing my displeasure at her lack of writing a NC letter, telling him it's over, etc, she started to understand she has more work that she thought, or at least now knows that while she's forgiven, the hurt is still very much there. I just choose when to let it out.

She did give me reassurances this morning before heading to work that nothing has changed - the affair is over, and she wants to work on us.

She had lots on her mind this morning for work. Shareholding meetings, she's an administrator, so she's involved in the meetings, and some big decisions coming down the pike.

Still meeting with another attorney tonight - I want to have my ducks in a row, in case this goes south again.

[NYGal]

It sounds like you're doing a good job DBing and communicating, trumpet. Keep up the good work.

[sandi2]

My mistake and apologies, Georgia Bulldog.

[sandi2]

"Genuine repentance always involves a confession of wrongdoing and a willingness to make things right. An apology often takes the form of an excuse".

If your W is sincere about wanting to work on the M, then she should be willing to make things right with you. My question to her would be what's the big deal about her writing a NC to the OM if the affair is over? I can think of a couple of reasons she doesn't want to carry through with the letter, however, if she's really willing to make things right again..........

Wife is still expecting me to just be peachy when I'm around her. She did me a favor, right? No divorce, I should be just jumping through hoops for the family and for her now.

I've read where a lot of WW's have this attitude. They apologised, and now they want to have the MR just simply return to point where it left off before the A ever happened. You see, the WW doesn't want to do the hard work that's required to repair the M. The mistake on the part of many LBH'S is taking her back without requiring that work.

This leads me to a question to you. What are you prepared to do, besides remind her she hasn't done XXX yet?

I know this must be terrible on your nerves, wondering every day if she's wrote the letter yet. I think you may need to get through a couple of days without asking her again, or hinting around about it. When a woman does that, it's called nagging. You have to see if she's going to take the initiative to do the right thing, or if it's more to get you off her back.

[ARose]

Nothing to add, just watching this with cautious optimism. Keep posting Trumpet! I am so glad you have Sandi and Georgia Bulldogs to guide you through this.

[trumpet]

Sandi,

I think telling her I was still seeing a lawyer tonight put things in perspective for her. She knows what she needs to do, and gave me an excuse that she was too busy yesterday. Now, with her new job, she is crazy busy, but I wasn't put to the top of the list (well, she did call the lawyer and start the process of dissolving the divorce, which she did first thing...), or at least felt like it.

I did that to her for years. That is why she felt that our marriage was dead, and that she had permission to cheat. No excuses for what she did, but I own up to not doing her LL very rarely for years. Resentment is my excuse - she very rarely said my LL.

The issue of 'making things right' will be brought up, no doubt about that. Just now is not the time to bring that up.

She's lost about 25lbs over the last month. Working out 6 days a week. That has not stopped in the last few days - she's very motivated to change herself, and to feel better about herself. She is working on that, and her very low self-esteem is starting to change, bit by bit. It's not like I've had to stick a cattle prod into her side to get change to happen - she's been doing this already. That is a great sign, and something I keep encouraging her about.

[trumpet]

Met up with the lawyer.

Went well. Will sit and wait for the stay of the divorce. We'll have 4-6 months to work things out, and get back with the court if we want to proceed. Lawyer knew her stuff, and she's on vacation, so we'll be in touch in Feb. with what happens in the next week.

Wife was absolutely livid when I got home. I guess a bad day at the office, her OM called her at work, and she finally had to face her fears and tell him that it was Done-Done. Lots of withdrawl anger last night. And then me talking to a lawyer put her over the top. Kids were concerned with how angry she was - D14 texted me when I was driving home.

I just kept validating, and letting her know I saw how angry and upset she was. She would come at me with some anger darts, and I just listened as best I could.

In the end, she just told me to leave her alone and I said goodnight.

Great group counseling session this morning. A few texts with wife. She's still planning on IC on Friday, and scheduled a meeting with our pastor today. She let me have her phone last night, and I saw she deleted OM's info, pictures, email, and all texts from her phone.

Should I give her credit for taking that step? Should I say nothing? I kind of feel like I need to help her along this a bit - she's in withdrawls, and part of me wants to tell her what she's doing is a good thing, and I'm here if she wants to talk...

Anyone have opinions on this?

[SciDad]

Should I give her credit for taking that step? Should I say nothing? I kind of feel like I need to help her along this a bit - she's in withdrawls, and part of me wants to tell her what she's doing is a good thing, and I'm here if she wants to talk...

Anyone have opinions on this?

I think it's appropriate to thank her for taking actions to make you feel better, but I would not try helping her through withdrawal unless she asks for help. Too easy for it to sound preachy or condescending. Just try to be near her without smothering.

Not easy, but I think it seems like treating her like a wounded dog might be good. Let her get used to your voice, let her find it soothing, not confrontational. But don't approach her - let her come to you

[trumpet]

"Genuine repentance always involves a confession of wrongdoing and a willingness to make things right. An apology often takes the form of an excuse".

If your W is sincere about wanting to work on the M, then she should be willing to make things right with you. My question to her would be what's the big deal about her writing a NC to the OM if the affair is over? I can think of a couple of reasons she doesn't want to carry through with the letter, however, if she's really willing to make things right again..........

Wife is still expecting me to just be peachy when I'm around her. She did me a favor, right? No divorce, I should be just jumping through hoops for the family and for her now.

I've read where a lot of WW's have this attitude. They apologised, and now they want to have the MR just simply return to point where it left off before the A ever happened. You see, the WW doesn't want to do the hard work that's required to repair the M. The mistake on the part of many LBH'S is taking her back without requiring that work.

This leads me to a question to you. What are you prepared to do, besides remind her she hasn't done XXX yet?

I know this must be terrible on your nerves, wondering every day if she's wrote the letter yet. I think you may need to get through a couple of days without asking her again, or hinting around about it. When a woman does that, it's called nagging. You have to see if she's going to take the initiative to do the right thing, or if it's more to get you off her back.

Sandi,

Well, she broke it off, went to see pastor, has counseling set up, her phone doesn't have his info on it anymore, so she took a big step.

Now, what am I prepared to do if things go sideways again? I don't know.

I know she needs help in understanding why she did it.
I know she needs counseling in how to get in touch with her emotions, to understand them, and not just bury them so they don't affect her.
I know she needs to make it up to me - to make atonement. How that happens? I would hope, when ready, that she's willing to keep asking me 'How can I put Trumpet first in the marriage?'
It FEELS like she's rarely done that in the marriage. Expressing that she wants to put me first. I don't want to read the tea leaves, or guess, like I had to in the past. Direct communication.

Personally, I would love to see her get active with me - do things outdoors, us start to do new activities.
I would like to see her start to dress her age, or maybe slightly below it. She has always dressed like a couple decades older than she is. It would be nice to really be attracted to her in a cute outfit - her making passes as me. I've always been the pursuer. It would be nice to be pursued once in a while.

Ugh - one day at a time. I really don't want my desires to turn into expectations. Lots of time to talk about that stuff down the road. Just hoping the fog lifting sticks around longer than a couple days. If we can make it to the end of the week, and get some real humble interactions with each other, authentic interactions, that would be awesome.

[NateG79]

Wish I were where you are. Nice to hear some successes. I'm still on the slow March to D. Have my kid at least for the moment