Ugghhh, have I mentioned this is hard?

[trumpet]

SciDad,

Could the EA be ending? Could she be trying to wean off of him by herself?

My sitch, which you know of, is like that. Her brain said what she was doing was wrong, her heart told her something else. If she's not touching her phone, they could have ended it, and she's trying.

Could you two work out together? Would you be able to handle that?

[SciDad]

Trumpet,

I'm not sure if she's trying to wean herself off of the OM. It's a very strong possibility, but my wife is being far less open about what's going on in that relationship. I'm probably partially to blame because I told her he was dead to me and that I never wanted to hear his name again. And she knows me well enough to know that whenever I see a reminder of him (gifts he's given us, clothes he gave my wife, pictures) my mind goes to a very dark place that would very much enjoy doing horrible things to that POS. It's just much more complicated because we were close friends for almost 6 years before I found out about the EA. There is much more to them then just the last month or year or however long ago it was when they crossed the line into something other then friendship.

Part of me thinks she is trying to stop seeing/thinking about him and trying to do it all on her own, but without openness I just don't know. I told her that if she chose to end it with him and struggled, I wouldn't be upset. That setbacks/trip-ups happen, and that I would view evidence of contact not as a grounds for ending it all, but rather as points of conversation. Essentially framing transparency and accountability as a tool to help her stick with NC (and not a way for me to control or keep tabs on her). And it bugs me that she is still stubbornly refusing to clearly state to me that it's over between her and the OM. Maybe it's pride, maybe she's embarrassed. Or maybe it's not over. Don't know or really care until she commits to me.

As for your other question, working out together shouldn't be hard. We were doing that last fall. I actually enjoyed it and it guaranteed we both got the exercise we wanted. It might get complicated if we run into the OM (he's also a member and I've bumped into him and his family a couple of times), but I think I'd be able to handle that without any bloodshed

[NYGal]

SciDad, my partner started doing more things around the house, something I had always asked her to do. But it didn't mean she was ready to give up the OP. In fact, the day AFTER she was most helpful around the house -- she told me she had decided to leave me, and that her decision was final. So I don't think we can place any real meaning on individual acts or behavioral shifts. It would have to be a pattern IMHO.

[Mona52]

Hi SciDad,

I see positives in your sitch but I am very worried about your expectation level. WAS's go back and forth many times. keep your expectations at zero, and no more mind reading. Remember, you have a life to live with or without W, so keep focused on that.

Keep doing what you are doing, it lookslike there are results.

[- MB -]

Mona, how long do they usually go back and forth? Or, how many times? I mean, I know everyone is different, but is there a general time frame that this usually seems to follow?

[SciDad]

Thank you everyone for posting - I'm doing my best to remain grounded. It's not easy, but I am trying my best to remain calm and not smother any positive signs I see. I'm trying to keep my expectations low and trying not to mind read, but I think I'm going to need a few more activities to keep my mind from wandering into that danger zone

Got some good news yesterday - I got offered the job I interviewed for! I texted my wife and she came home early with some nice wine to celebrate. I was absolutely buzzing with excitement so I'm not sure how well I remained detached last night (I did a lot more hugging then I meant to), but I promise I'll get back to db'ing tonight.

I can't begin to say how excited I am about this job. I'll leave out the details, but it really feels like this is a job I was born to do. And it's not tied to any particular location so I don't have to worry about my wife moving away with the kids - they can't escape me now, haha!

[ARose]

Congratulations SciDad! Great news on the job! Great news about your ability to stalk W too, added bonus!

[SciDad]

Is it bad that I think DBing is harder when I'm in a great mood?

SOOO hard to focus and detach when all I want to do is dance around the room (not necessarily like a Chippendale, but I'm not opposed uner the right circumstances).

Fo- I'm sending good vibes your way for your interviews. Kick ass and take names

[NYGal]

I think DBing includes dancing around the room when you're celebrating a major accomplishment like this! And it doesn't stall your progress if W sees you happy -- I bet it helps!

[Cristy]

Hello SciDad,

Congratulations on landing your new job! It is wonderful news, especially since you mentioned that it was the job you were born to do! You're awesome new job is just another piece in your GAL puzzle.

I hear what you are saying about DBing being harder when you are in a good mood. Feel free to dance around the room! You've earned it!

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004