LBH w/ a WXW after the D - now what

[gs9]

I signed up for them yesterday. Also ordered a 31 day devotional about the promises of God and Acceleration. Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine. A process that takes 20-30 years completed in a moment.

I've been working and waiting for about 18 months. A season of waiting as I'm sure a lot of us here have been. I'm praying for a season of acceleration.

[otw]

Also the daily bible devotion app is great.

[gs9]

Journaling further email discussion with WXW.

Yesterday-
She said "Please know, no one wants you to be better than I do! You have to do it for D4"

I replied
"Thank you for the encouragement. It is helpful.

I am better, will be even better and will reach great. I want the same for you. I want us both to be better, to be great as I know you do too"

She said "I'm better than I've ever been. I don't think I'm perfect or have been, but I also don't think I'm the person you think I am"

This morning-
I replied "I am happy you feel better than you've ever been. Neither of us have been or are perfect. I know the 2 times we had conflict in the last 2 weeks is not who you want to be or who you can be. I have seen improvements. I know you are getting better. I hope they are lasting and you continue to strive to get better and better. I know I will.

[gs9]

and her reply
"haha, and you did nothing wrong again, as per your normal. never you, always me. If you feel better always blaming me go ahead. I don't care anymore, you don't need to tell me about it."

My response- I'm sorry you read it that way. I am not blaming. I did say WE are not perfect. Also, the evening of the 10th I came to you, admitted I was wrong and apologized for my part. It takes 2 to have conflict and I accept full responsibility for my part. Blaming doesn't get anyone anywhere. It is of no use and is an exercise in futility.

[gs9]

her response - "Please don't give my behavior "grades" you have made it abundantly clear that you have, and have always had negative view of me."

My reply- an hour later
I do not have negative feelings about you. I can see you are working on yourself. I was complimenting you telling you I recognize you are getting better."

Her response- immediately
"that's not what you said to me on Thursday.

My reply - 20 min later
I understand and I know as we both get better there will be less and less negative interactions. I know eventually we will handle potential negative interactions in a healthy and mutual beneficial manner. The way things should always have been. I know we will be better. "

[otw]

G,
isit possible she is taking the way you are messaging her as condescending? Like you are looking down at her? I know you are saying you both are trying to be better, but continuing to say these things to her may make her feel you belive you are on a higher level than her.

I am not sue how I would take the communication that you both have.

Hell I dont know what to think at all right now as I have no communication.

[G8r]

Wow gs9. Looks like both of our Ws are reading from the same play book. My W has used the line that I have made things "abundantly clear that you have and have always had..." on many occasions. It does me no good to argue. She just gets madder and similar to your W, she will reply that's not what you said on such and such date. Funny how they can remember 1 negative thing and forget thousands of positive things you say to them.

I also have to agree woth otw. My W has on occasion mentioned to me that I was being condescending (even though I was trying to point out positive things and affirm her feelings, similar to you) when we have had conversations similar to the one you describe.

I wish you well in your sitch.

[otw]

i wanted to be clear that I was not saying you were by any means being condescending, but it is like they do not want to hear our thoughts at the moment unless it is just justifying what they think otherwise we are coming across that way.

[fade]

Dont admit to any fault in email. Dont say "I know I had issues..." or "Im trying to be better...". You WILL lose custody if you give her free ammo like that. She looks like she is running circles around you.

When she directly or indirectly blames your drinking you either dont respond, or you factually refute them at least 24 hours later. What you are doing is trying to diffuse conflict by admitting some guilt while trying to even the score with some sort of veiled accusations about conflict. It is extremely passive aggressive, makes you look guilty and and makes her case look stronger. Also your condescending attitude is not winning any points with her, I can assure you.

I suggest you ignore the vast majority of these emails from her. If there is one with particularly bad false accusations you respond ONLY to the accusation, and you do so sticking to facts, no feelings:
"I am not drinking. Jan XX was your parenting time. I will be responsible for caring for D4 during my specified parenting time. I exclusively have been taking care of D4 during my parenting time, and yours on the following dates XX XX XX over the past 2 weeks.

You requested D4 visit your parents partially during my parenting time. In the interest of being cooperative in our scheduling I agreed. I did not relinquish any of my parenting rights or responsibilities. Your accusation that I was unable or unwilling to watch D4 on my parenting time is completely false."

[gs9]

Excellent advice everyone. Fade- thank you for stopping by and giving me examples of what to say and not to say. I've ignored several of her "attacking" emails today.