You all made me think, search in my heart what is important for me, look in the mirror and see the person I am, and most important learn that life is not always "getting the bull by the horns".
I searched inside of me and found: 1. Rejection - it is my biggest challenge in life. Every time I feel rejection, I retreat. I take myself from the picture, I feel like I don't need to impose myself in anybody's life, so I get out of their way. In my twisted mind I do this to save someone of the inconvenient, but the reality is that I am just escaping, protecting myself so "I" am the one not to suffer.
2. Perfectionism - I need everything perfect. The right time, organized, color code, with tags, clean...etc. I go far to ask to everyone around me to be perfect too. Came to understand that no one will ever be perfect and much less myself. Life is full of imperfections starting from birth until we die. Came to understand that it is pure control and does not bring anything good into my very own life. Letting go on the "need to be perfect" makes me see the things that really make a difference in loving one another.
3. Hate - Learned very early in my life that "I can eat cold". Learned revenge as a form of getting my wounds healed. Raised most by my loving grandmother and hated by many on the family because of that, I learned that one day they will fall and you will be the one standing, the last to laugh. Learned to be strong, face the enemy and give back to them once the opportunity comes to realize my venom. Little I knew that the realized venom was poisoning myself.
4. Love - I am old, and yet learned so much in the last year and a half. Learned to love unconditionally. Had the pleasure to meet this person I had inside of me that is compassionate, caring, patient, quite, giving. The results of finding Love inside of me is the most amazing experience in my life. It's some kind of freedom that makes me want more of it. It makes me whole and brings me a smile to my soul. I am in love with myself and it is an incredible feeling. I feel I can embrace others with all their imperfections and still see the good that comes through.
The resolution: After sitting on my inner child chair, I realized that I go up and down in my emotions, but I am just normal. I am starting to find some mechanisms to cope with the pain, be gentle on myself when I am feeling like crap, and be proactive when the good feeling is all over my being.
I also find that R issues won't be resolved over night and that patience is a gift. That I have some strength on me that I never even tough would be possible.
It is yet another day and I am breathing, maybe XH won't ever come back, but the experience from all this mess is taking me to another level in this life and for that alone I am thankful for.
I found comfort in strangers, sharing life online with people that care about me just because...
Instead of going spastic and loco on the last situation with my XH, I decided to follow the advice from my DBiers friends. I DID NOTHING. Kept my silence, my boundaries, my cool.
This was my last interaction with XH, I reached out to him for help yesterday: 7:47pm - Me - Hi hun, could you take S18 to his guitar lesson tomorrow? It starts at 6pm.
10:03pm - I can. Is 5:40pm ok to pick him up?. Sorry for the delay in responding. I was at the church I told you about.
10:11pm - There is a bit of rush hour that time. I normally leave at 5:35 max. You are amazing, proud of you. I was at church too. Now I am at the supermarket, and finally home. Long day. Thanks and have a good night.
10:13pm - Ok. I will be there. Good night.
Friendly, a 180 for me using words to translate that I actually care. Saying to him without reservations that I am proud of him, that he is doing a good thing and it means a lot to me. And from where he is sitting, he knows I am not doing this begging for him to be back. I am just caring for a person.
I also realized that many of XH's moves are temperature check and he is doing this reacting to my changes. I started to think about his words to me with a little more compassion and found that he said a lot to me. He said that what is still stuck in his mind is that I told him that the worse feeling for me is that he never gave me a chance to fight for our love and that he realized now that he actually never did it.
He said that he needed to lose it all, material and emotional possessions to find out what he had.
That he was blind and confused and that now he can see it better but is still confused.
He told me his plans to get himself whole again and in a better place, find himself and be better.
Told me that he is very proud of me because I never lower myself in the midst of all this pain. That I am a strong person and that he admire it the most on me.
That he misses me, misses the unconditional friendship, that he could tell me anything at anytime and he knew I was his cheerleader and would support him for whatever. I that now he has no one he trusts as he trusted me.
So, Wonka, going to my inner child chair brought up the best of me. Brought me back to emotional balance and priorities. And my priority is not revenge. It is my family. I built this family many years ago and I am still fighting for it. It is important for me and I believe that my heart is not yet done hoping for my family.
I love you all, and I really hope to be in a position to help others to find their way too, I am maturing.
I know XH won't stop checking on me. He still have a long way to go, he still need to sit in his inner child chair. He will temp test me because he is not sure if he would come back to a nightmare. Once again I need to be the lighthouse of this family, and I will be.
Thank you to all of you that are being a light when all the other lights are gone and darkness invade my soul.
