H just kept saying he made me miserable. That he wasn't happy after leaving, wasn't even any happier after leaving. And that he feels like a horrible person and that he's made me really mad for filing. That he feels awful. He never pictured this for us.
I asked him why he would do this instead of working on M if it made him so sad and didn't help him to feel better and he kept saying that I seemed better without him...that I was happier. He told me he was really worried about me when he first left, but now he doesn't worry because I seem happier.
He said that his lawyer told him that the dissolution filing would appear in the paper and that seemed to really bother him that people would know. He hasn't told anyone...not even his parents.
I admit, I kept saying don't do this and said I'm trying very hard to work on making myself happy because you were never in control of making me happy or sad. It was all me. He just kept saying it was all his fault and I didn't need to change.
He said it was a 90 day process and he felt it would take even longer with us. That he wanted to talk to me a lot. I repeated that I still wanted to work on staying together, that we could be happy together without him changing, because I could see what I have done and where I need to work.
I said I understood that he didn't trust me to change my behavior, but I could and already was. He finally said I don't trust you to do that, you're right. He kept going back to apologizing and saying it was his fault for making me miserable. I repeated that he didn't have that control over my feelings...but that the thought of him actually added to my happiness.
This just bites. He wants to keep talking but sounds so tortured. DBing seems to have had the opposite effect on him. My appearing happy has solidified his idea that it was him who made me unhappy...and it wasn't. I don't know what to do now.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
We were a close family with extended "friend families" until the kids left for school. Now we're in four separate places trying to get by, and we can't even deal with the "friend families" in the same way. We are so shattered, all of us, that our normal togetherness times (holidays, vacations, birthdays) are meaningless.
Sorry to be morose, but it is sad even for adult children. We are their role models in marriage Rs.
You're right, these things seem meaningless now and even for adult children this is the worst thing for them to have to deal with. My S11 turned to me the other day and says he doesn't want to get married now when he's older. Made me so sad. I don't want his entire future to change because of this but I suppose it is inevitable. It is lovely that your Ds want to help you through this but, as you say, it is not a place we want our children to be.
1) I'm going on a short trip soon (3-4 nights). Do I ask H if he would like to watch her for me? She was "our" dog and he told her when he moved out he wished he could take her with him (he really did). He seems to miss her a bit.
2)I plan on acknowledging H's b-day with a quick text, regardless of what he does on mine (I expect he will ignore mine). Our anniversary follows that very quickly. Should I just ignore it? I feel that I should.
Hi Ciluzen. Your dog sounds so sweet!
I think I would ask your H about looking after her but I don't seem to be very good at all this detachment stuff so it might not be the correct DBing way to go.
As for your H's birthday, that's a tricky one too. I have two tales to tell here. When my H left the first time, 9 years ago, my birthday fell about a month later. He didn't even get me a card or text me and I was totally crushed. It was also our anniversary the next day and same again - didn't hear from him. This time round it was my H's birthday a few days before Christmas. Obviously with my children still being young I had to organise something from them and I did get a card from me and a small gift. Right up to the last minute I was unsure whether to give them but I did in the end and he was very shocked that I had bothered to. I'm sure the correct DBing answer will be don't get anything but for me it just felt wrong. I still love my H and wanted to do it. It's a tough decision but I think you have to do what you will feel happiest with.
So, H called tonight. He wanted to tell me that I would be receiving marriage dissolution papers tomorrow afternoon. He was very sorry. I did not do very well. I am crushed and shattered...and I fell apart.
I'm so sorry Ciluzen. I read this after my other posts as I was answering in order from where I left off. (((((((((Ciluzen))))))))) I'm so sorry about H's call. How awful, I feel for you so much. This must be the day all DBers dread so much.
This just bites. He wants to keep talking but sounds so tortured. DBing seems to have had the opposite effect on him. My appearing happy has solidified his idea that it was him who made me unhappy...and it wasn't. I don't know what to do now.
((((((Ciluzen))))))) I'm so sad to hear this, it is just heartbreaking to think that the very things you've been doing to fix your M have made him think you're better off without him. It is a secret worry of mine too. I really don't know what to advise but please know I'm here to talk to and am thinking about you.
I had to leave work...I couldn't pull myself away from the sadness and I was freezing. Turns out I'm running a fever as well. I'm home to wait for the papers to be served. Just a few hours from now. I don't want it. Any of it. The house, his financial support...anything. I just want him to know I will be different...I am different.
I just want him to put his arms around me, rub his scruffy face on mine, smell his smell. He was my comfort...and at one point I was his too. This is unbearable.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I had to leave work...I couldn't pull myself away from the sadness and I was freezing. Turns out I'm running a fever as well. I'm home to wait for the papers to be served. Just a few hours from now. I don't want it. Any of it. The house, his financial support...anything. I just want him to know I will be different...I am different.
I just want him to put his arms around me, rub his scruffy face on mine, smell his smell. He was my comfort...and at one point I was his too. This is unbearable.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
(((((((((((Ciluzen))))))))))) I don't know what to say as I know there is nothing I can say that makes any of this any easier. I'm so sorry that you are waiting in for papers today. It is just awful how our lives can be turned upside down against our will. Not good that you have a fever on top of it all too. I will be online for the next couple of hours if you need to keep chatting but otherwise know that I'm thinking of you and wishing this wasn't happening to you today or ever.
Just got my marriage dissolution papers. I do not want this. Almost 26 years of marriage reduced to a few pages of paper. We will lose everything without even trying to solve our problems. Totally devastated.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I'm so sorry to hear that. Please remember that it is only the end of things when you decide it is. Many sitches go to seemingly hopeless places before there is a turning point. Who knows what will be the ultimate outcome for you.
For now, please look after yourself and let yourself grieve for what has happened. But please also hold in your heart that your M only ends when you decide.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
