asambandha

[Mona52]

Something clicked tonight. Words I have heard here many times. I have only thought these words. I have said these words but have not felt these words. Words you all know. I must work on myself,evolve, grow, become well balanced. Not to pursue my wife. I get it know, I feel it.

I have said those words so many times. As a instruction, as a next step, as a wish. That will never do it. I had to detach enough to understand what it means. I want now to evolve to my greatest potential. For me, so she can see me at my finest, not to be something she may desire. Authentic me, at the top of my game. It's important to me, for her to see me transforming, not as important is that she chooses me over divorce.

I don't see how anything else will work. I am so happy to be detached enough to feel it. I think newbies struggle with the process not being fast enough but until you realize you can simply let go of your problem, it is hard to make progress.

I think my struggle to post here was a indicator that I was transitioning to this new plateau. I had nothing really to say anymore about my wife this, my wife that. I am now free, free to be me.

What will you replace these words with? If you are not talking and thinking about your W and her actions, what will you be doing now? It is impossible to let go of that without having something to fill those hours with. Remember, actions speak louder than words. Detaching is an action, but the world will only see it when you do other things. I have lots of suggestions you will never take, lol. So what nice, wholesome things will you be doing?

[Elly4]

So, Mu...what are your new goals that you are choosing?

E

[mutatio]

Hi, thanks for the support dday, it feels good to have it. V, point taken. I understand the difference. Mona, thanks for making me smile. I spent my spare time today looking for workshops and classes to improve my metal working skills so that I can follow my dream. I've be looking at land out west, trying to get a feel for what the different regions offer.

I love my wife very much and want to spend the rest of my days with her but she won't give me the time of day. She seems determined to not share her life with me. I am now laying the foundation for a life without her. The first step is solid planning and that's where I am now. So I am developing my skills and choosing where I want to live. Peace

[mutatio]

It was another one of those mornings. She will not talk to me, she almost ignores me. I said "Good Morning" this morning and nothing, she does not look at me as she walks in my direction. She does not say a word. The dog walks over and she gives him a nice hello. Then the cat comes over, which she rarely talks to in the morning and greets him pleasantly. I am sitting there saying to myself WTF. A stranger would not be treated like this. She seems determined not to give me anything positive. Last night I look out the window into the garage window, we have a detached garage, and her lights are on. I tell her her lights are on, she goes out and turns them off, not even a thank you, WTF.

I said I was sorry, I stopped my bad behaviors 7 years ago, I give her the space she desires and with that she is hell bent on treating me like an persona-non-grata.

I will continue on my course of excellence and try very hard to drop any resentment that develops. I will do this for my kids, for my family. Where did the love go?

[ARose]

Mut, my dog gets more loving than I do too. H literally kisses her on the mouth and carries her around and takes naps with her, while barely making eye contact with me. In the last 2 weeks since he has left I feel so much more peaceful without this constant "punishment" in my face. I hope you find some peace.

[dday]

Mu, please, work on letting go. For me, it was "If she wants to treat me this way, and do this to my family, then I do not want to be with her." It helped me tremendously. I still don't agree with it, or want it, but have accepted it.

I am sure that you see that your WW is a different person now. As long as she is this "new" WW, there isn't much that you can do about her and her actions toward you.

Detaching, to me, felt wrong. Felt like I was betraying myself, kids and XW. But in the end, I have not quit. I have just accepted that this is my life now. Not what I had planned, but maybe it will be better than ever because of this. And I feel so much lighter and am able to have fun again. It was like a switch flipped inside me.

You are a great person mu. You don't deserve to be disrespected like this by someone you love. Just my 2 cents.

Be well.

[roist]

Here are my thoughts on this.

Firstly you are taking it too personally.Yes it is directed selectively at you. But it is about her. If you have to make up an excuse for her behaviour that is not about you. It is not what she is doing that is your problem it is what you think it means. Change that meaning. I am not belittling the situation as I know it is tough and hard to live with.

Secondly maybe by saying nothing you are enabling this behaviour.We read all over the place to not add negativity into the mix and unless it is important to not make a big deal about stuff. I agree with that BUTnot to the extent of accepting anything.

This behaviour is contrary to the basics of conduct in society let alone in a R. OK W does not want any R with you. But she has one. Ye are parents together. Ye are living together. So a minimum of common politeness is not too much to have IMO. I would call her on this behaviour.

Although it is probably not viewed as seriously as other behaviour we see here I would even consider telling her she should leave if she cannot find it in her to be civil. During your threads especially earlier you were the epiphany of acceptance. This is where ye are at and this is what it'll be late keep until son finishes school. This trait has endeared you to many here. But maybe it would be good for your W to think you could contemplate her leaving.

Maybe I am overreacting, but it is worth thinking about. But if that is how she treats you in front of your children I would ask you to think strongly and then act strongly.

On a previous point it is a powerful aide to detaching to imagine a great life without W. Get excited about the possibilities. It'll change your mindframe and ultimately your behaviour . I would be interested in hearing how you are actively pursuing the changing of character traits too. One thing though, don't spread yourself too thin by trying too much at once.

Best wishes.

[roist]

Late keep should read like

[mutatio]

Elly I think a goal reevaluation is in order, thanks

Thanks everyone for your support. I have to keep reminding myself, it's not about me, she is going through her own stuff.

I love you people

[Di-mond]

Just wanted to stop by and say hello! Keep being strong mutatio!

*hug*