Husband has left me for a younger woman

[- MB -]

No Bex, a month is not a long time at all! Think of this as a marathon, not a sprint. If your H is having a MLC, this could take a long time.

He told me he loves me but has "strong feelings" for this girl. He has walked out on us, we have 2 very small children.

Sounds like he's giving you a bread crumb so you will stick around as plan B in case OW doesn't work out.

I spent a few weeks crying, pleading with him etc to come back which just pushed him further away and he was saying the most hurtful lies about our marriage, totally rewriting history, saying we haven't been happy for years! That our daughter (planned) was a drunken mistake!!!!!

Most all of us tried the same thing at BD...begging, reasoning, crying, betting more, etc. It never works. It just pushes them away further than they already are. Then, they start avoiding you because it makes them uncomfortable and they don't want to deal with negative feelings. Rewriting history is classic for MLC. They have to rewrite things to make everything seem like it was your fault. That way, they can blame you for everything and then when they get rid of you, they think all of their problems will be gone because they think everything was your fault. Typical!

Anyway so since then I said I'm not fighting for our marriage any more and have totally backed off. I don't communicate with him at all apart from about the kids and he is being much nicer and respectful towards me.

The more you persue, the more he will distance from you. If you just stop chasing and persuing him, and act as if you have suddenly had an awakening and decided to move on with your own life without him, he will start to turn back to you. You stopped communicating, he became nicer.

I told him and he was devastated. But still continues to see this girl, he hasn't said anything about not wanting us to go.

He might see this as manipulation on your part to get him to stop seeing OW.
There is NOTHING you can do to make him stop seeing OW. That has to be something he decides for himself. And, he won't do it until he's ready. The more he thinks you're manipulating him or persuing him, the more he will turn to her and be angry with you.

When I asked him has he thought about divorce? He said no! When I said are you sure you want to get divorced? He said "no but whoever is sure about these things?" I said "people who get divorced!"

Stop trying to talk to him about your R, it is only pushing him away from you and making him want to avoid talking to you. Talk about anything BUT your R. And, don't bring up the D word unless you want him to start thinking about it. Right now he's wanting you to sit around and be a back up. In case OW doesn't work out. Or, he may think he can have the OW until he's done with her and plans to return to you. Who knows. The point is that you can't make him stop seeing her. You have no control over that and the more you push the more he will turn away. For now, just sit tight and breathe. Try to stay calm and if you can't then at least fake it when you're around him.

I am at a total loss as to what to do, I'm getting on with my life, reconnecting with my friends, had my hair cut, enjoying my kids......

This is exactly what you should be doing right now. You need move the focus from H to you and your kids. Work on yourself...GAL (get a life). That means go out and try to stay busy. Make some new friends, go to the movies, go out to eat, take a walk in the park, take your kids to the zoo, take up yoga, etc. Anything you have always been wanting to learn or try, this is your chance. Focus on your and your kids and what makes you happy and keeps you busy. H will eventually wonder where you are and what you're up to. And, when you have communication with him, pull back a little. Answer in short and to the point answers and always be the first one to leave/hang up. Make him think you're busy and just don't have time for him. But, do it while being friendly, cheerful and a agreeable. Your job right now is to take this time to enjoy your kids and make yourself into the woman that any man would be a fool to leave.

I am so sorry that you're having to go through all of this. It stinks and is so unfair. But, it is what it is. We are being forced to go through it whether we want to or not. Might as well make the best of the time you now have on your hands. You have found a great place here for support and advice. Keep posting and asking questions. We are all here for each other.