Husband has left me for a younger woman

[Bex]

Hi everyone

Thanks for your support! It's bloody hard isn't it?? I really feel like the 180 is a god send in keeping me sane and disengaged from all the drama and sadness about the affair, but it is breaking my heart feeling so detached from the man I love! He sent my friend a message telling her that we haven't been happy for years! Honestly that is the First I've heard of it so either he was lying to me constantly on that time pretending to be happy or he's lying to himself now and I know it's the second option, it just hurts so much to know he's telling people this stuff!

Do you just think I carry on then behaving happy and getting on with my life? I don't see how o can do anything else..

[Cadet]

it just hurts so much to know he's telling people this stuff!

Shift your focus off of him and onto yourself.

I know it is hard to do but it is the basics for DB'ing

[- MB -]

Bex, I'm really sorry that you have to be here, but you have found a great place for support and advice. There are lots of people on here going through/or have gone through the exact same thing you are going through now. It's amazing that all these wayward spouses say and do the exact same things. It's like they all read the same book and they are quoting it word for word. You are doing exactly what you should be doing though, and it sounds like you're doing awesome job at it! Keep it up! Are you getting out and GALing? Does your H live close by? If so, change up your routine a bit. Go out more. Find new activities. Anything to make him wonder where you are and what you're doing. The point is to make him think you're just fine, that you have had an awakening and are moving on with your life without him. Make sure you keep posting so you can get advice and support. Good luck!

[Bex]

I'm trying my best to keep busy and one time when he came over in the evening to pick up the kids I was ready to go out with my friend for a drink, so I looked clammed up, I always seem like I'm ready to do something when he comes
Over for the kids. No he lives an hour away so he wouldn't see what I'm doing unfortunately
How long do you just keep doing this for?? Is a month a long time for this or should i just give up all hope? 😢 I don't want to!

Thanks

[Ggrass]

Well in one way he's following the script totally. Mine left for an older woman, and is completely nuts I suspect mlc.

The best bit is what 25 is gunna sign up for his kids once it gets real?
Sleepover and baby sitting family dinners of who's not gunna eat their veg?

Think of it that way, it can help you know it will only be short term roses.

[Bex]

Hi Grgrass

It seems a common theme that they leave for someone much older or younger and just totally inappropriate! I've known him
For so long and we were friends for years before we got together so o know his "type" she is totally the opposite of that! It's bizarre isn't it??

[- MB -]

No Bex, a month is not a long time at all! Think of this as a marathon, not a sprint. If your H is having a MLC, this could take a long time.

He told me he loves me but has "strong feelings" for this girl. He has walked out on us, we have 2 very small children.

Sounds like he's giving you a bread crumb so you will stick around as plan B in case OW doesn't work out.

I spent a few weeks crying, pleading with him etc to come back which just pushed him further away and he was saying the most hurtful lies about our marriage, totally rewriting history, saying we haven't been happy for years! That our daughter (planned) was a drunken mistake!!!!!

Most all of us tried the same thing at BD...begging, reasoning, crying, betting more, etc. It never works. It just pushes them away further than they already are. Then, they start avoiding you because it makes them uncomfortable and they don't want to deal with negative feelings. Rewriting history is classic for MLC. They have to rewrite things to make everything seem like it was your fault. That way, they can blame you for everything and then when they get rid of you, they think all of their problems will be gone because they think everything was your fault. Typical!

Anyway so since then I said I'm not fighting for our marriage any more and have totally backed off. I don't communicate with him at all apart from about the kids and he is being much nicer and respectful towards me.

The more you persue, the more he will distance from you. If you just stop chasing and persuing him, and act as if you have suddenly had an awakening and decided to move on with your own life without him, he will start to turn back to you. You stopped communicating, he became nicer.

I told him and he was devastated. But still continues to see this girl, he hasn't said anything about not wanting us to go.

He might see this as manipulation on your part to get him to stop seeing OW.
There is NOTHING you can do to make him stop seeing OW. That has to be something he decides for himself. And, he won't do it until he's ready. The more he thinks you're manipulating him or persuing him, the more he will turn to her and be angry with you.

When I asked him has he thought about divorce? He said no! When I said are you sure you want to get divorced? He said "no but whoever is sure about these things?" I said "people who get divorced!"

Stop trying to talk to him about your R, it is only pushing him away from you and making him want to avoid talking to you. Talk about anything BUT your R. And, don't bring up the D word unless you want him to start thinking about it. Right now he's wanting you to sit around and be a back up. In case OW doesn't work out. Or, he may think he can have the OW until he's done with her and plans to return to you. Who knows. The point is that you can't make him stop seeing her. You have no control over that and the more you push the more he will turn away. For now, just sit tight and breathe. Try to stay calm and if you can't then at least fake it when you're around him.

I am at a total loss as to what to do, I'm getting on with my life, reconnecting with my friends, had my hair cut, enjoying my kids......

This is exactly what you should be doing right now. You need move the focus from H to you and your kids. Work on yourself...GAL (get a life). That means go out and try to stay busy. Make some new friends, go to the movies, go out to eat, take a walk in the park, take your kids to the zoo, take up yoga, etc. Anything you have always been wanting to learn or try, this is your chance. Focus on your and your kids and what makes you happy and keeps you busy. H will eventually wonder where you are and what you're up to. And, when you have communication with him, pull back a little. Answer in short and to the point answers and always be the first one to leave/hang up. Make him think you're busy and just don't have time for him. But, do it while being friendly, cheerful and a agreeable. Your job right now is to take this time to enjoy your kids and make yourself into the woman that any man would be a fool to leave.

I am so sorry that you're having to go through all of this. It stinks and is so unfair. But, it is what it is. We are being forced to go through it whether we want to or not. Might as well make the best of the time you now have on your hands. You have found a great place here for support and advice. Keep posting and asking questions. We are all here for each other.

[Bex]

Hi MB

Thanks for the words of encouragement! It feels totally dead in the water to be honest for our marriage as he really doesn't seem interested in me at all but I'm continuing to GAL and to be honest it's making ME feel much better even if he hasn't noticed!
I think he does notice what I'm like- one morning I felt him looking me up and down, like eyeing me up! I've lost a lot of weight recently (in sure you all have!) so I actually feel pretty good about the way I look so that makes me feel confident- I registered for an online dating site (no intention of actually going on a date!) but it's just nice to get a bit of attention from
Other men to know I'm not totally unattractive! It makes me feel horrible that he left me for someone so much younger than me 😭 But actually in another way it gives me hope that their relationship is not "real" if he'd left me
For someone out age etc it would have been more probable that he was actually in love and not in some stupid infatuation!

Sorry rant over 😁😁

[- MB -]

Bex, it's not over until YOU say it's over. You can continue to work on and fight for your marriage as long as you choose to. There have been people on this forum who have gone through with the divorce and then ended up remarrying each other again afterwards. Never give up until you decide that it's time. Right now your H has his head in the affair fog and that fog can be really thick sometimes. His thinking isn't clear and he is confused. It's good that he's starting to take notice though. At least it's a start! Keep working on your GAL activities....but, watch those dating sites or you could end up getting sucked into an affair of your own without meaning to.

[Bex]

Hi MB

Thanks! I've decided I'm giving it a year until I even start to think about divorce, so I'll see what the situation is this time next year.. Hopefully this stupid affair will be history!