Need support navigating the change in my marriage

[G8r]

Ugggg. Spent too much time texting with WW yesterday. Some text was calm, assertive and affirming of her emotions; however, the premise of the entire text string was me pushing for a separation to let emotions subside rather than proceed with D. I could kick myself because I fooled myself into believing logic could be used to convince her to give it a try especially since that was what she wanted a little over a month ago. It seems like every time I get ready to accept what she wants (i.e. give her space, move to basement, out of house separation) she no longer wants that, she wants the next step further away. Don't have much of a choice about accepting the D, I have to accept it. What stinks is that I feel D is point of no return.

I guess that is the error of my thinking though. Everything I do is with half a mind to repair our M. If there is no M to repair, I have to move forward. Maybe she'll change her mind at some point (as she has mentioned revisiting our relationship in 5 or 1p years) but it won't matter to me at that point. I won't be interested (at least based on my current perspective). How ironic would it be if she were to have buyer's remorse and end up on this forum because I moved on. Lol.

[G8r]

I'm a bit angry and hurt today. A few weeks ago I saw that a local play house was doing Peter Rabbit and suggested we take D3 to see it. Fast forward to this past Friday morning, my WW and I were talking which eventually led to argument because she doesn't like that I don't respond to her texts asking about D3 when she chooses to see om or visit her father like she did last week. I do respond to her texts, it's more like I take an hour or 2 which she doesn't like because she is "worried". Really??? Drop the om and stay home to work on R and we wouldn't have the problem, I digress.

I told her I didn't see it as a problem and didn't plan to change the way I respond so she told me I was not welcome to go with her and D3 to Peter Rabbit since this was her weekend to be with D3. I left immediately to prevent further escalation.

Last night she texted me saying, "if I tell her here and there that she is ok then I am welcome to go". I chose not to respond because I didn't know if I should go or not. I wanted to go and be with D3 but I also was upset that WW was using seeing my D3 as a bargaining chip and I didn't want to reinforce that behavior. Interestingly, she thinks I'm using D3 as bargaining chip because I know she worries so I should jump to respond and let her know she is ok. Sounds like a control issue to me. Up to this point I was doing ok.

This morning, WW let me know that she gave my ticket away since I didn't respond. I shouldhave left that alone but I felt compelled to let her know the reason that I wasn't going was because I was upset that she was using D3 to get what she wanted. I need to get better at breathing and walking away because that led to another argument. It's gotten to the point where she feels she can't be in the same room as me for 5 minutes without us arguing. I don't agree, but that is irrelevant if I hope to R.

I'm exhausted and don't want to argue with her. I try to avoid and walk away but I'm not very good at it. Getting better though. I really feel that the only reason we argue is because the om is in the picture and she thinks she wants to get married to him and have a child as quick as possible. If he wasn't in the picture, my WW and I could possibly work on R. She has even said so herself but she refuses to dump him. Grrrrrr.

I've begun to ask myself, why in the world do I want to be with someone who has made it clear recently that she doesn't want to be with me. I don't really know. I miss my old W and I'm fearful of losing my family, not being around my D3 every day and that I may not have anymore children because it seems like it will be too late by the time I get over this M and find another relationship.
Sooooooo sad.

[Tyler12]

G8r, i understand that after what seems like a great day gets followed by what in turn seems like the worst day ever.
a little insight from me as to your last post and maybe a vet or someone can point out if i am not on the mark with what i suggest

I'm a bit angry and hurt today. A few weeks ago I saw that a local play house was doing Peter Rabbit and suggested we take D3 to see it.

Ok, my thought on this is why suggest we? i understand you want things to seem as normal as possible for D3, i really do get that. Is doing things as a family really the best idea right now? Sandi posted on my thread when i suggested the supper thing. It will be very confusing to the child, especially if/ when you are no longer living together. We should go to me suggests family or friend time, you are neither right now, friendly and civil are 2 different things, i am coming to understand and employ this.

I really feel that the only reason we argue is because the om is in the picture and she thinks she wants to get married to him and have a child as quick as possible. If he wasn't in the picture, my WW and I could possibly work on R. She has even said so herself but she refuses to dump him. Grrrrrr.

Ok, another issue i had and have let go of staying focused on this. It still bothers me from time to time and my imagination runs wild, but thats all it is, is me backsliding into being a glass is half empty person, not fun for anyone.
So, if she were to end it with OM do you honestly think that all would be forgiven and she would come running back to rebuild M? In my case no i dont. If it werent current OM why couldnt it be some other person, The reason W is seeking what she gets from OM is because she does not see herself ever getting what she needs from you right now! Its hard to hear, it was for me to, we just need to accept it, focus on you and D3. Not M, not fixing things. I can say without a doubt that D3 feels and is acting out of sorts because of the tension in your house, My S3 for sure did! It took me a bit but one day i realized, do i want my son to become a man and have a woman treat him this way? In your sitch, do you want your D3 to feel she can treat her H the way your W is showing her how to treat H?
I am not saying become some macho man and show her whos boss, im saying sit down, think of what boundaries you want, refine them, and then set them, do not waiver.
If you have read Sandi's forum you know that WaW does not have respect for LBS, your W or mine may never respect us again, I however refuse to not respect myself and let myself be a doormat or pushover for anyone, not just W. I hope you can focus on yourself and regain some self respect, I am working on it too

Hang in there friend, we are just getting going!

[G8r]

Thank you Tyler12. I needed those words of encouragement. WW was full of spew when she got home. Seemed like everything she said was either overtly hostile or passive aggressive. She was surprised that I wasn't served this weekend. Hard to get served if you're GAL and not home. Lol. Just a matter of time.

IT makes no sense but the reason I wanted her to go is to get some time away from the house where we could interact, hopefully peacefully. I guess I'm pretty good at sticking my head in the sand and deluding myself. However it is getting harder and harder to do so. She's not going to be happy that I'll be retaining a L but she leaves me no choice with her hiring one. That looks like my point of no return because she will have hissy fit when I demand to have D3 for more than every other weekend. I don't know where she has been getting her information but most of it is nonsense. The 1st L I spoke to agreed but told me to be careful. Just because it's nonsense doesn't mean it isn't going to be a pain in the a$$ for me.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. It's funny. I used to love weekends. Although I still enjoy them, it is almost a relief to get back to work on Monday and away from WW drama for a few days. Lol.

[G8r]

Oh. Tyler12, thank you also for the advice about being a role model for D3. I've been trying to build her self-esteem and I've been validating her feelings when I need to discipline her. Trying to learn from my mistakes with WW so I don't have as my problems when D3 becomes D15. Lol. The more I bond now, the less problems I'll have later. But back to your point, you're right I need to show her that I have more self respect. Point taken.

[Tyler12]

If your talking about showing D3 you have more self respect then yes. If you meant W then your doing it for the wrong reason. Do it for yourself and D3 will see it. Do it for yourself G8r

[G8r]

You're on point Tyler12. I was talking about D3, not WW. As you point out, I also need to do for myself. I kind of assume I have self respect but perhaps my behavior indicates otherwise.

[G8r]

WW texted me this morning saying she wants me to move out of the house ASAP because of all the fighting. Problem is she is the one arguing. I've gotten somewhat good at ignoring her vitriol and passive aggressive comments. I hate that she is doing that to D3 and then blind me for arguing.

She made a 2nd threat to have sheriff come remove me from the house. The only way that happens is if she lies which I wouldn't put past her at this point. Have metting with a 2nd L tomorrow. Looks like I'll need to hire one sooner rather than later.

Breathe and stay calm. Set example for D3. That's my motto for today.

[G8r]

Now WW is texting me asking me if I locked her out of our joint bank account. I replied that I hadn't touched our joint accounts. I wanted to ask her if she logged in correctly but didn't. Sure enough she texted a little later that she was a to log in but the account was lower than she thought. No apologies, just more complaints. Fortunately I wasn't expecting one but it still hurts, maybe just not as much. Or maybe that is indication that I still have expectations? Not sure. Either way, I'm happy because I didn't respond to her texts other than the one saying I didn't touch the accounts. In past, I would have responded. Although I wanted to respond today, I asked myself what it would accomplish, so I elected to not respond.

[Mona52]

Holy cow, nice resistance! I used to be able to reply with just one text before, but the next day I would lash out. You made it past 'the next day' Nice work!