Time for a new direction

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh - you are too hard on yourself! You are among us, patient as well! Look at how long you've been standing with your sofa of a h. (That is not a typo- your MLCer is about as active as a piece of furniture!!)

But to answer, I have no plans to date. Even if I divorced today, I don't want to introduce my kids to another man. I certainly don't judge anyone who chooses to do differently. I do, however, regret telling my h this. In one of his clear moments we talked about things and I told him I was not interested in other men. I should not have tipped my hand. But he is snooping on me so maybe his wheels are turning?

As for reason #2: as I've posted, I went through a depression myself. It was the first of my life and a truly bizarre experience. H stood by me and now I attempt to do the same. Although, distance from him has shown me that my relationship with him/start of his MLC was THE driving force for my own depression. The irony!!!

Also, my mother was depressed my whole life. I did learn to borrow down into some part of myself to survive. I was the youngest and the only one to live with her alone. It was really hard. Sadly, there were times I had to put myself first while my mother put herself first. I am right back in that same saddle. Someday, maybe I will post some of the crazy stuff that happened as some of it is SO funny.

The similarities between my mother and my h make me wag my finger at heaven and say: heads are gonna roll when I get up there!!! (Okay, who am I kidding? *If* I get up here.)

I think in the times I feel like I need movement I ask myself, what do I want to do differently? The answer: not much. I work full-time, play competitive tennis, hike, read and do tons with my boys. I should be seeing my friends more often and this is something I need to orchestrate.

Let me ask you this: in the moments you want change, what do you imagine doing? Do you have other things you want to do with your life or do you mostly have discomfort with the fact that your future relationship with your h is unknown?