Have been reading for a couple of weeks and found alot of helpful advice but hoping for some more.
My current situation is that my wife has declared that she no longer loves me and is looking to get out of the relationship.
We have 2 kids, S7 and D3.
The short version is: wife had an EA with a work colleague in the first few months of 2015 that according to her almost went PA. She didn't and came home telling me she was scared of her feelings and realised there were some problems in our marriage. Maybe an error on my part is I let her back into the relationship to easily. I requested that she cut as much contact as possible (as the work together) and that if there is contact to be open and honest with me. This was ok for about 3 months then the contact slowly increased over the next 3 months to the point they were talking several times a week. when I questioned this the response I got was that it wasn't important and I was being petty. Hence these discussions sometimes turned into arguments, during which she regularly threatened to leave. I can admit I said things I regret in retaliation.
Then at the end of November '15 she dropped the I don't know if I love you any more and need some space. I made the usual mistakes of trying to be a good husband by trying to do all the nice things I could. We had one more argument after this. Then a couple of days later she wasn't feeling well and I looked after her, she told me that a few days earlier she was ready to leave but now she wasn't sure as I seemed my old self. I had made a conscious choice by then to step back and not argue anything. She was still telling me she was struggling with her feelings for me.
A few days after that she had her christmas party, she called the kids before bed but as she talked to me I knew she was lying to me about something. Needless to say, I followed my gut and found her at her colleagues place. Her first words to me were that the affair was going to start tonight. She then said our marriage was over and had been for awhile. I suggested she come home and work on this but she stayed there for the night. The next morning she arrived back at the house as I was taking the kids to school and daycare. She stayed and we talked a bit when I got back. She said it as a mistake to stay with him but she no longer loved me and wanted out of this roller coaster we were on. Again I made the usual mistakes of telling her to think about the kids, that we were just at a stage of things turing around for us etc.
She wanted to stay in the spare room, I responded by saying that she could if we continue the counseling we were doing in order to repair the marriage, if not she needed to find somewhere else to stay. She went to friends. She came by every evening for the next week to see the kids even though she was telling people I was stopping her seeing them. She even had them at the friends for a sleep over one night. The week before Christmas, we talked after the kids were in bed about presents for the kids. We hadn't fought and had spent time together with the kids. She was supposed to come back to the house on the Wednesday for breakfast but didn't show, I had to call our friends and remind her that she told the kids she would have been there for breakfast. When she finally turned up, I asked her why she let them down (I knew she had gone out the night before) she said she had been to have a beer with the OM. Then proceeded to shout at me that I had no control over what she does or who she sees, I calmly said it does when it affects the kids. Sorry, rambling now.
W stayed in the house till boxing day when I went back to Ireland with the kids for the holidays, W did not come with. We had a good time but I knew if she stayed at home she would see the OM, which she did.
OK, will try and be shorter. Currently she is still in the house sleeping in the spare room, I have stepped back and have moved on with my life for the past 3 weeks. I am going to the gym 3 times a week to get out of the house and have been following the steps of going 'dim'.
I guess the reason I am looking for advice is to help me deal with and hopefully understand what might be going on with her.
I have really looked inside myself and the problems I could have caused in the relationship and can admit to making mistakes. I feel I was under a fog of exhaustion ( we have been building a house) and couldn't see through it. I know it has taken the jolt of loosing my family to kick me out of it. I have learnt alot about myself and am finding the real me, the one I used to be and the one I am going to be. The much better me. I have seen my relationship with my kids improve dramatically, as I know I have been the stable one for them. I have been a happier, calmer person and am looking forward to continuing this path I am on.
Now, my W has not changed her path, I am still to blame for everything that has gone wrong with this marriage. She is planning to move out and has found an apartment that will be available in March. She plans on staying at the house till then and being co-parents and room-mates.
So, I started implementing the 180's and Sandi's rules also about 3 weeks ago. The feedback I can give so far is:
- my wife has told 2 people over the past 3 weeks that she has seen big differences in me, the first person she told she said she didn't trust they could be for her also but she didn't say that the second time.
- she will initiate conversations, wants to talk about her day, ask me about my day, ask how my time at the gym was. I listen to her day, and give her short but polite replies to her questions about mine.
- she has seeked me out to tell me big news from work.
- i am sure she has been setting traps and has tried to induce a fight but I haven't taken any bait.
- I am acting like I am moving on and when I am home, I normally leave her to her space, she has asked to play some board games or watch tv after the kids are in bed. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't.
- We have been doing things as a family of 4 and I have enjoyed playing with my kids each time. I let her talk, we can joke and laugh when we are all together and she regularly makes little slips about the future.
I do feel I need some help navigating this whirlwind of emotions she seems to be living on and will be very appreciative of it.
I have ordered the DR book, should be here tomorrow.
