I'm totally playing devil's advocate here, but are you close to his mother? Is there a reason for you to go outside of your role as his partner? I know the fact it's the possible death of your children's grandmother makes things dicy... But I'm just thinking about how he is doing all this awful stuff to you, yet you are being expected to show up for the family emergency, support him, and play "wife" like nothing is wrong. He fired you as his F. He is sleeping with other women...but you still have to go help pick up the broken pieces for him and his family?
If it weren't for the fact it's your children's grandmother, I would say leave him to deal with the consequences of a life without you... But I know things are complicated.
I'm totally playing devil's advocate here, but are you close to his mother? Is there a reason for you to go outside of your role as his partner? I know the fact it's the possible death of your children's grandmother makes things dicy... But I'm just thinking about how he is doing all this awful stuff to you, yet you are being expected to show up for the family emergency, support him, and play "wife" like nothing is wrong. He fired you as his F. He is sleeping with other women...but you still have to go help pick up the broken pieces for him and his family?
If it weren't for the fact it's your children's grandmother, I would say leave him to deal with the consequences of a life without you... But I know things are complicated.
Such a tough situation...
It is Anna. And if it were anyone else he would have to figure it out without me. But she and I do get along. And it may be (Prayerfully not) the last time that the kids get to see her. And my family is there as well. So I will be able to see them too. Which I really need.
Plus his mom shouldn't suffer because he is a big cheating liar.
Funny you said that about showing him what life without me would be like. He told his sister how much he misses me and us and our family. How he hates going home to an empty house. He misses seeing my face when he walks in and smelling my cooking and my smile.
And that is with me messing everything up BIG time. Besides dealing with this trip and his mom. He will get more of that loneliness. I'm sick of it. Sick of him.
Like I said. Right now. I want 1 of 2 things. For him to be honest or for him to leave me alone. Maybe he had a one night stand and regretted it...maybe he had a few one night stands... Maybe he met someone and is again in a full blown A. No idea. Why? Because he is never honest. There has to be more to life than this.
He is confused that I have not text him or called him about last night. And I have no intention on doing it either. He and I both know there is only one reason that the condoms are missing.
"I want 1 of 2 things. For him to be honest or for him to leave me alone." That seems very clear. Too bad he's in a fog and can't understand that.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
He has a friend that got engaged a couple of years ago. When he did. We started hanging out with them. Her and I became friendly but we have only hung out as a couple thing or with the kids.
She just called and asked me if me and XF could make it to her F birthday celebration. At a pub. To shoot pool and hangout.
I would like to go alone. GALing and all that jazz. However they don't know whats happened/is happening. And her F may be contacting him as she contacted me which has happened before and they have been friends forever so even if they did know I assume he would prefer XF there as it's his birthday. But since they don't I am not sure how to handle this.
Simple and easy are two different things. This isn't easy. But it's pretty clear.
You love your H, and would love the marriage to work...and would be willing to address anything and everything on your end that led to the breakdown of the marriage. But you will not live in an open marriage, which you define as PAs, EAs, or Cam Girls. You understand that he needs to feel safe from being punished from past behavior, but you too need to feel safe from HIM. Given the history, lies, and abandonment what that would look like would be a full commitment followed by full transparency. If he was willing to do that you'd be willing to work equally hard to leave the past in the past and work anew on a better marriage and support him in any way you can. Anything less is not a marriage you will remain in. And while you're open to rebuilding at this point, you can't promise you'll always be willing because you have no intention on standing indefinitely as a plan B. So he'd better do some thinking about what he wants in his life. And unless and until such events occur your sole focus should be on you rebuilding your own life, so that you are emotionally and physically prepared for D and have the support you need to be the best woman and mother you can be.
That would be what I would communicate with him- ONE TIME ONLY. Then that would serve as my mission statement. I would work on detaching, GAL, 180s for YOU. Being a good mom. Being civil for the kids. I would avoid trying to control his behavior towards that recommitment in ANY way, shape, or form. I would NEVER bring up the R again, and if he did I wouldn't be interested in discussing unless he was ready to talk about a REAL R in which he took accountability for his behavior and was ready to make a commitment involving transparency. If the first words out of his mouth weren't "I'm ready to do what you asked" I wouldn't respond to anything he was saying, I would validate and LEAVE. NO REPLY. NONE. You've said what you needed to say. Saying anything more is contradicting your words, because your words are saying NO MORE OF THIS. Boundaries. Distance. Be friendly when you need to swap kids, validate if he says something, but STFU and walk away. LET HIM GO.
You go on your own journey from now until the day he says he's ready, or until the day you look around and you're D'd for 2 years and are open to other people glancing your way. But you get yourself to a point where you are ok with either outcome, and you aren't looking ahead, because you know you'll be ok, and you're happy with your life, who you are, and have faith that you'll be taken care of if you do what's right.
Can you do that?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Go. Wear a new outfit, look gorgeous and have a great time. If he's there, let him see you being the confident beautiful woman he fell in love with. Then go home alone and just bask in the glory. (Unless it's this weekend. Don't forget the monster truck and all.)
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Simple and easy are two different things. This isn't easy. But it's pretty clear.
You love your H, and would love the marriage to work...and would be willing to address anything and everything on your end that led to the breakdown of the marriage. But you will not live in an open marriage, which you define as PAs, EAs, or Cam Girls. You understand that he needs to feel safe from being punished from past behavior, but you too need to feel safe from HIM. Given the history, lies, and abandonment what that would look like would be a full commitment followed by full transparency. If he was willing to do that you'd be willing to work equally hard to leave the past in the past and work anew on a better marriage and support him in any way you can. Anything less is not a marriage you will remain in. And while you're open to rebuilding at this point, you can't promise you'll always be willing because you have no intention on standing indefinitely as a plan B. So he'd better do some thinking about what he wants in his life. And unless and until such events occur your sole focus should be on you rebuilding your own life, so that you are emotionally and physically prepared for D and have the support you need to be the best woman and mother you can be.
That would be what I would communicate with him- ONE TIME ONLY. Then that would serve as my mission statement. I would work on detaching, GAL, 180s for YOU. Being a good mom. Being civil for the kids. I would avoid trying to control his behavior towards that recommitment in ANY way, shape, or form. I would NEVER bring up the R again, and if he did I wouldn't be interested in discussing unless he was ready to talk about a REAL R in which he took accountability for his behavior and was ready to make a commitment involving transparency. If the first words out of his mouth weren't "I'm ready to do what you asked" I wouldn't respond to anything he was saying, I would validate and LEAVE. NO REPLY. NONE. You've said what you needed to say. Saying anything more is contradicting your words, because your words are saying NO MORE OF THIS. Boundaries. Distance. Be friendly when you need to swap kids, validate if he says something, but STFU and walk away. LET HIM GO.
You go on your own journey from now until the day he says he's ready, or until the day you look around and you're D'd for 2 years and are open to other people glancing your way. But you get yourself to a point where you are ok with either outcome, and you aren't looking ahead, because you know you'll be ok, and you're happy with your life, who you are, and have faith that you'll be taken care of if you do what's right.
Can you do that?
Okay Zues..how are you doing? I want to say thank you again. It really does help to see things from a mans perspective.
I read what you wrote no less than 20 times. I let it sink in. I hesitated. I Didn't know, after the missing condoms, if I even wanted him anymore. I questioned whether it was him I wanted or my hope for who he can be.
If I wanted my tears and pain to lead me away from him. I asked myself how much more I am willing to take? Because I have taken a beating from him emotionally and mentally every day for over 2 years and it seems like if there is no end in sight.
But I did what Pink asked me to do when I first started posting. I made lists. I listed the things I have tolerated from him that I never should have. I also listed the things I love about him and like about him.
I looked at our kids and decided to do as you suggested. Tell him what I needed to and (hopefully and prayerfully) finally drop the subject. All of it. Ow, R, "us" etc.
Here is where it got tricky. He is not a written word kind of guy. If its too long he either won't read it or he will eventually but it can take weeks or months. I knew it had to be a talk. Ugh. So i bit the bullet and asked him. He was honest, which I respected. He said he would rather not as I get too emotional and it's more than likely that we would end up in an argument. So the compromise was that I leave it in a voicemail that he promised to listen to. I am not actually sure he will listen to it BUT I feel better after having done it.
I had your post up and wrote it down in my own words/voice and left the voicemail message. That was over an hour ago. No response from him (and he is awake) so like I said, he may not listen to it.
But I did it. And I admit I cried, but just a little at the end. And though I do not have a set timeline in mind like Mona does, I do know that I will not wait forever. But I am also not going to take my GF up on her generous offer of a match.com membership
I will do my best to work on me and do right for our children. If he catches up then we can move forward together. If he doesn't, I think I will be okay. Not immediately but eventually. The kids and I will be okay.
Now to tame this blasted mouth of mine and NOT let him bait me, guilt me or talk about our R. Thats the toughie.
And I knew going in that he just may say "hey thanks for the offer but please don't wait. I'm not interested. Move on with your life."
It will hurt like hell but acknowledging that it is a very real possibilty feels like I am at least trying to see things as they are and not only as I wish they were.
So here it is. He can tell me to go to hel l or not respond at all. So I will try to concentrate on me.
