I am very sorry to heart outhit mother. That's got to be hard for you, F, and kiddos...more stress on top of stress. Might be easier for you to communicate with him via text at this point. He's probably feeling a bit desperate and will try the lying, pleading, trying to convince, and probably bait you into an arguement. If you just text, it will be easier to only respond to what you want to without having him bombard you with lies and questions.
We are all here for you if you need to talk.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Apparently I can't type today! That was supposed to say I am very sorry to hear about his mother.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Rain, I'm so sorry you're going this confusing time. One thing on top of another. Ughh. I wonder if you can suspend all R talk for now, and just support him through this, but from a distance that doesn't get you all caught up in his sh!t. I don't know if that's a good idea or not. Hopefully others will weigh in. It's just that the R talk is going nowhere, and this situation with F's mother changes the rules, I think. You can show him what he risks losing if he continues the lies and deception and blame.
Re: the blame. That's outrageous. He needs help. But for now, I think you need to be the lighthouse. Not beckoning him back, but just the tall, beautiful light shining through the darkness. With conditions, of course.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
BTW, that poem is great: After a While. After A While �1971 Veronica A. Shoffstall
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure you really are strong you really do have worth and you learn and you learn with every goodbye, you learn...
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Apparently I can't type today! That was supposed to say I am very sorry to hear about his mother.
I looked up the poem. I screen shot it but I am also going to write it down. Thank you.
And thanks, I am really upset and saddened by the news. He is too. She has 12 grand children. Its surreal.
And I am not unblocking his calls. For my own sanity. He has tried deflecting by saying he can not believe I went through his things. Or that I counted condoms. He has lied. "The condoms have to be here somewhere, maybe I moved them but I swear honey I have not cheated" tried the love card "i love you and I want to be with you but you can't trust me and I'm not even doing anything wrong". It's just too much right now.
His mom is sick. My daughter is not feeling well though shes better because I gave her advil. I love him, or who I thought (hoped?) he was. But at this point he is clearly incapable of fidelity or honesty. And as Anna said. I need away from his crazy.
Thanks MB. Can I just say yet again how I wish we could exchange information. Even just emails. You guys get me through. And for that, I am so thankful
I wonder if you can suspend all R talk for now, and just support him through this, but from a distance that doesn't get you all caught up in his sh!t.
Re: the blame. That's outrageous. He needs help. But for now, I think you need to be the lighthouse. Not beckoning him back, but just the tall, beautiful light shining through the darkness. With conditions, of course.
Hi NYGal...thanks. I know he is heart broken and I did call him. He repeated what he said in his VM. I agreed that we need to make the trip even though I haven't a clue as to how we will afford it.
I asked him just that, by the way. To please not bring "us" up. Keep it about the kids and his mom. He then started in again about me not trusting him and counting condoms. I'm not sure if he even realized that I hung up since he hasn't text saying how rude I am. LOL
I am just wanting some normalcy back. He is right I do not trust him and it is crazy that I count condoms. But he does everything he can to make sure I can't trust him and I don't want a man that makes me feel like if I need to look through things or count condoms. That's why I just hung up. Because me saying that very logical sentence would mean nothing to him.
"i love you and I want to be with you but you can't trust me and I'm not even doing anything wrong".
This is the blame part that he needs some work on. It's outrageous that he's trying to blame you for not trusting him. He's not trustworthy!
Yeah, those darn condoms must have legs of their own, and they just walked off. Now where did they go...
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
So sorry about XF's mother on top of everything else...
I know what you mean about all the lies and being told you'll never change because you discovered them. I think this must be classic WW script.
My H's OW was furious at him when she found out he was actually M and sent me copies of all their messages exchanged back and forth. I read them all, and it was plain as day the messages were authentic because of the personal details and also just knowing how my H talks, types, and the phrases he uses. It still didn't stop him from trying to claim 'she was a jealous female he'd turned down and now she was just trying to destroy him.' When I pointed out some of the things that were undeniable, he owned up to those, but still claimed she was lying about the more unsavory bits of the messages. At one point, I also found a prescription for Viagra, which was certainly not being used for my benefit. He claimed he was faithful, and only got the prescription out of curiosity to see what it would do. Suuuuuurrre. I believe him...don't you?
The funny thing was, just like your XF, he was the master of righteous indignation at being found out..."this is why we can't move on...you always do this...you never believe me....yada yada yada" Sound familiar? Before I had proof of the A, he would actually berate me and act like his life was so hard because he had to deal with this suspicious wife all the time and it was so unfair. I always felt so bad, like maybe I *was* the one with an issue, and would try even harder next time to suppress my instincts. But it turned out I was right about every suspicion I had.
Anyhoo...don't let him make you feel bad. He is just trying to deflect the blame on to you to justify his actions. You deserve so much better, and until he cleans up his act and is ready to give that to you, you are better off not giving him your time or concern at all.
So sorry about XF's mother on top of everything else...
I know what you mean about all the lies and being told you'll never change because you discovered them. I think this must be classic WW script.
I also found a prescription for Viagra, which was certainly not being used for my benefit. He claimed he was faithful, and only got the prescription out of curiosity to see what it would do. Suuuuuurrre. I believe him...don't you?
The funny thing was, just like your XF, he was the master of righteous indignation at being found out..."this is why we can't move on...you always do this...you never believe me....yada yada yada" Sound familiar? Before I had proof of the A, he would actually berate me and act like his life was so hard because he had to deal with this suspicious wife all the time and it was so unfair. I always felt so bad, like maybe I *was* the one with an issue, and would try even harder next time to suppress my instincts. But it turned out I was right about every suspicion I had.
Anyhoo...don't let him make you feel bad. He is just trying to deflect the blame on to you to justify his actions. You deserve so much better, and until he cleans up his act and is ready to give that to you, you are better off not giving him your time or concern at all.
Thanks Anna. His mom doing poorly is not going to make going dark possible.
And yes I had the same problem when ow sent me proof as well. She's crazy....shes a liar....She's just trying to come between us because "I picked you" and not her. Ummmm...what!?
And it has to be a script. It just has to be. Shifting blame onto us. Classic crazy.
And why yes Anna, I completely believe your H got Viagra to test it out. LOL these men are unbelievable.
And everything your H said to you my F has said to me. I am not going to let him make me feel badly, he is trying to deflect like if it's a fulltime job. And in between that he peppers his crazy deflector soup with "love" bombs.
Be honest or leave me alone. And it's only been a few hours but I have not contacted him at all. I have not responded to his crazy. And the tables have turned as far as R talk. I do NOT want to talk about us, the condoms or anything else. And he keeps doing just that. Last voicemail I got was to say....." It's beyond me why you still go through my things when I never go through yours. And I have been cheated on before and still trust you and take your word for things. I love you. I really do love you. The other night was so great. We laughed and were a family again for a little while. But I can't spend my life trying to explain myself. It isn't fair. Anyway I love you and I haven't cheated. I'm sorry you dont believe me"
Crazy deflector soup anyone? Because I have plenty.
