I'm feeling like one giant ball of hurt, really. I don't know if this is MLC or if my H has always been one giant butthead and I just never saw it. I know he's always been focused on himself - but we all are in a way, aren't we?
The last year or so has been rough - feeling him pulling away and unable to do a thing about it. Something changed in him, and I am at a loss to figure out what it is. All signs point to MLC, except he seems so very rational.
I do know that these are feelings, and they will pass. I guess I'm waiting on them to pass so that I have something somewhat intelligent to say. I'm just blue - an ordinary blue, not the truly scary kind. This hurts, you know? (I know you all do.) To love someone, and have them discard you so abruptly?
I'm still reeling that he's doing this to me when I have so many health struggles. He alternates between telling me it's all in my head - and understanding that it is a real issue. He's been actively encouraging me NOT to apply for government help. He wants me to heal myself by exercising, eating right, and managing myself better.
My doctors say all those thing will help me feel better, but none of them will cure the underlying issues. I've been going along with H, but I've finally realized that is not the best choice for me. I'm not ever going to be 100% better. I think I really wanted to believe that, so I was focusing in that direction.
I told him yesterday I am going to apply for aid, and he freaked out on me. He believes it's all about him - making him responsible for spousal support for life. In our state, spousal support is limited to a specific time frame, unless there is a disability involved, and then it can go on for a lifetime. I assured him that wasn't my intention - I just have to start looking out for myself. I literally cannot survive without health insurance and medication. I’m going to lose that the moment the divorce is final.
He's convinced I can work a full-time job and get benefits for myself. My doctors have restricted me to part-time work only, and that's iffy...I'd have to find a truly understanding boss. I’ve finally wrapped my head around this. I can manage my symptoms (Congestive Heart Failure, Fibromyalgia, and Major Depressive Disorder) but I can’t cure the underlying illness. I wanted to believe I could – there are so many miracle stories out there – but I would be foolish to bank my entire future on a miracle. It’s time for me to face reality and apply for the aid that is available for people like me. H is just going to have to deal with it. He’s abandoned me - I am not his problem. I finally accept that.
I'm not giving up at all - I think I'm finally facing the reality of my situation. I may or may not have a miracle - but I really need to do what is best for me at this moment in time, and that is applying for aid. So today, I'm swallowing my pride, and making the appointments. I'm not happy about it - but it is what it is. I need help, and help is available.
Of course, then I get to start the merry-go-round of dealing with the government. I don't know how people cheat their way into it, really. Valid health problems get kicked out all the time. There are so many law firms out there for the sole purpose of helping people get the benefits they need. Bizarre.
Thanks, everyone, for checking in on me. I've had a Fibro flare-up and haven't been feeling too great. It even hurts to type, but it's a tad better today. I appreciate your checking in and good wishes more than I can say.
Painter - yes. My lawyers have information from my doctors about the medication and interactions - if only I hadn't had alcohol in my system at the time. That part was 100% my fault. I should never have been driving. I'm lucky I didn't get in more trouble, truly. H surely tried, but the officers told him they didn't actually see me driving on a public road - I was on private property at the time. My lovely caring husband tried to get me on that, too. What a way to treat the mother of your children. He was mad because I trashed his reputation, by telling the officers what led to me running into another vehicle - that part (cheating husband) made it into the news.
