2 months ago my husband (together 13 years) confessed that he'd been having a 2 month affair with a waitress from his work who is 13 years younger than him (he is 38 she is 25) - he told me because her boyfriend has found out and was going to tell me. I said ok, let's try to work this out and he said "I can't do that" and basically left! He told me he loves me but has "strong feelings" for this girl. He has walked out on us, we have 2 very small children (ages 3 and 1). I spent a few weeks crying, pleading with him etc to come back which just pushed him further away and he was saying the most hurtful lies about our marriage, totally rewriting history, saying we haven't been happy for years! That our daughter (planned) was a drunken mistake!!!!! Anyway so since then I said I'm not fighting for our marriage any more and have totally backed off. I don't communicate with him at all apart from about the kids and he is being much nicer and respectful towards me. I've made the decision to love back to my home town with the kids (as we only moved here a year ago and I don't even have any friends here) I told him and he was devastated. But still continues to see this girl, he hasn't said anything about not wanting us to go. Up until a month ago he was still wearing his wedding ring when I shouted at him to take it off! When I asked him has he thought about divorce? He said no! When I said are you sure you want to get divorced? He said "no but whoever is sure about these things?" I said "people who get divorced!" I am at a total loss as to what to do, I'm getting on with my life, reconnecting with my friends, had my hair cut, enjoying my kids etc but I just miss him so badly
Any advice would be appreciated as to be honest I look like I'm doing alright but on the inside I'm dying 😢😢
Me 35 H 38 Married 4 years together 13 years Affair started sept 2015 BD 15th Nov 2015- husband left that night son age 3 daughter age 1
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Many thanks for the info- I feel like I'm definitely doing a lot of detachment now and 180 things! It has helped me immensely to feel more in control of the situation and my life. I keep wanting to message him/ call him etc but I stop myself every single time, I have not done that for over a month. When I see him he just doesn't look happy, he looks unshaven, puffy eyes, thin so I just don't get why I'd he seems so unhappy that he doesn't say anything! The last few times I've seen him, he has lingered around as if he wanted to say something but then didn't, I didn't ask either as don't want to instigate any conversation about us but it so so hard!
Me 35 H 38 Married 4 years together 13 years Affair started sept 2015 BD 15th Nov 2015- husband left that night son age 3 daughter age 1
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Many thanks for the info- I feel like I'm definitely doing a lot of detachment now and 180 things! It has helped me immensely to feel more in control of the situation and my life. I keep wanting to message him/ call him etc but I stop myself every single time, I have not done that for over a month. When I see him he just doesn't look happy, he looks unshaven, puffy eyes, thin so I just don't get why I'd he seems so unhappy that he doesn't say anything! The last few times I've seen him, he has lingered around as if he wanted to say something but then didn't, I didn't ask either as don't want to instigate any conversation about us but it so so hard!
He has been taken over by an alien and this is part of the script.
Let go - you did not break him and can not FIX him.
I mean realistically what are the chances that this affair will last? He's 38 m, she's 25- they barely know each other, so they last? Is he in love?? I just can't see it, she totally is not his "type" she's tacky, wears low cut tops etc, it's just such a cliche the whole thing 😭
Me 35 H 38 Married 4 years together 13 years Affair started sept 2015 BD 15th Nov 2015- husband left that night son age 3 daughter age 1
You mentioned that you have not called/text him for over a month now. His he still living in the marital home? Is he seeing the kids? Sounds like he isn't looking too good when you see him. Cadet is right, you can't fix him.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
No he is not living at home, he has rented an apartment near his work. Yes he is still seeing the kids weekly. He picks them up and has them over night with him once a week- the OW is not living with him
I know I feel so helpless when I see him I just want to give him A hug and tell him I love and miss him so much but I don't- I just act all happy and make sure I look good,
Me 35 H 38 Married 4 years together 13 years Affair started sept 2015 BD 15th Nov 2015- husband left that night son age 3 daughter age 1
I am so sorry you are here, and for everything you are going through. We all know what you experience with the re-writing of history and the alien behavior. It sounds like you are doing exactly what you should be doing at this point, with remarkable self-control and poise.
You'll get lots of great advice here - just keep posting.
It sounds like your H is struggling. As you obviously know, you can't live this struggle for him, just continue to be the lighthouse.
Best wishes!
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
