Now what/ Take 2

[melweb]

Ok, so let me preface this by saying that I know that reconciliation was not going to be a magical over-nite transformation. I know that we have a lot of work to do to wholly repair this M, and that going forward, it will take a real effort on both our parts to be in a loving, committed relationship. Having said that, I need help.

There were some seriously weird happenings in the melweb household the last few days, starting Saturday when his incessant, inconsiderate cell phone use got the best of me. Sunday morning I decided to put some boundaries on myself--that I will simply walk away when he chooses cell phone conversations or facebook over me. I cannot just sit there and watch him text (whoever it may be) I understand an occasional text from boss or co-worker, but even then, we will be in the middle of talking and he just picks up his phone and starts texting. Ummmm....no, you go ahead, don't worry about me!! And also no phone in our/my bedroom, which is where we have done most R talks, a lot of reconnecting and of course the other stuff that usually happens in master bedrooms;)

So anyhow, Sunday I also decide I need to back off a bit, and I do, plus I thought he was going to be upset with me. He was sick in bed all day so I do not see him til dinner time, and he approaches me with a hug and a kiss. We have dinner and go to couch to watch football, and he reaches out to hold my hand. Typically we all know not to read into this actions, but we are farther down the reconciliation path, or so I thought.
By later in the evening, he is confessing his love, he is so in love me, feels like he did when were dating etc. Not 24 hours ago he was having a hard time, and wanted to take our time. Clearly we have different definitions of those things.

Monday after dinner, the cell phone comes out. I ignore it as I am cleaning up kitchen, etc. When I sit with him , we chat about things, the future, (next month future and next year future). Then he picks up phone to text---it feels like a blatant disregard to me, I sit for minute cuz surely that is all it takes to return a text...nope. I walk away. Not sure how long it was but he finds me in the bedroom, reading, and asks why I walked away. I say "dude, you were on your phone and I wanted to give you some privacy." Admittedly , it came out snottier than I meant it to, but he walks says that pisses him off. This leads to a conversation that he feels like he can't have friends, I am pressuring him, and he is going to do whatever it takes to be happy, at all costs. I say "at the expense of our marriage?" He replies "at all costs" He says he still loves me , but is struggling with these changes and they might not last. I agreed and say I understand that and me too. But we need to not let that happen. He goes to his room. Not half hour later, he comes in to my room and asks me if I am ok. I am. We end up making love-- I am ok with make-up sex, but I do not want to be used either.

So anyhow..here's where I need help. It seems like as long I am June Cleaver and not rocking any boats or making any waves, we are all good. (Surprisingly he has been ok with me crying and being emotional, and let me cry on his shoulder quite a few times.) I certainly do not want to jeopardize all my hard work from the last three months, nor do I want to get walked on and let him think he can do whatever the he!! he wants, and I'll put up with it cuz I am so afraid of him leaving--which, btw is not the case, and I told him that. I got to a pretty good place where I would be ok without him, and it would truly be his loss if he left.

Do I continue to play by his rules, because I know this relationship is precarious? And for how long? How long do I stuff my feelings for the sake of his?

I have and will continue my 180s--and the other DB principles I used-- they were life savers for me, and I go to complete the job process tomorrow to get that GAL ball rolling. Yah me!!