(((((Rain))))). I am sorry to hear that. Have you tried to talk to him about it? I don't mean getting mad and yelling at him, bringing up the A, etc. I mean just having him over and after the kids go to bed you sit on the couch and CALMLY bring up the subject, validate his feelings but not his actions and ask him to get help to overcome the problem. Tell him exactly what that help would look like.....IC, maybe a support group, etc. Then set clear boundaries on what it would take to move forward in your relationship if that's what you both want to do. Tell him that even if you guys don't work out, that you still want him to be happy and healthy. Tell him that you understand he is confused, hurting and doesn't know where to turn. VALIDATE his feelings. And, you have to come off as very concerned and caring, not accusing and angry (although you have EVERY reason to be!!!). Don't say anything that would make him think he's a horrible person. Yadda, yadda, yadda....
I just wonder if he's so far into it that he can't see how to get out. Maybe he just needs you to put the dots on the paper so close together that there's no way possible for him not to be able to connect them. Just a thought. I might be completely wrong. I got my H to agree to get help this way. You have to come from a place of compassion and not of anger though.
Other's may disagree with me, I'm sure they will speak up if they do.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Hey MB. I am at his place. I was ignoring him for a while because I was so upset. My GF reminded me that he may be Fing up now but he has always taken good care of me and our kids and to give him the money. And if he uses it for anything other than tires A..I would know if I check his account and B that is something he has to live with. Just to be sure to be at his job on payday to get it back before he has time to spend it.
I am at his place now. I can't sleep. Before bed we had a discussion, I didn't argue which is new for me. Anyway he had cologne out and a dress shirt and his dress shoes. I asked him where he had gone. He said no where. When i pointed out why I asked he said he had planned to go out but decided against it. With work friends.
That he understands why I don't trust him but the worst thing he has done is the cam girls and has not seen or met anyone. He has been "faithful'.
He went to bed. And guess what? There are condoms right here by his tv. Not even sure how I missed them. So I went to his dresser where he had kept them before (after PA when we started having sex again-I bought them) and there are 2 missing. Plus 2 new condoms....a different brand. And the smallest pack comes in 3. So he has cheated again. Why am I shocked and upset?
I know. Because he convinced me after his PA endes that he would never do that again.
He is snoring away. Didn't even stir when I put the light on and opened and closed the dresser drawer. I am just sitting here. Trying to decide if I should leave or wake him up or wait until morning.
I just can not believe this is my life. I feel like if I wasted so many years and love on the wrong man.
I started getting ready to leave. I just couldn't stay there. He woke up and asked me why I was leaving. I Didn't scream or cry. Just calmly told him why. He swore up and down that he has been faithful and he has "no idea where the condoms went babe".
I told him it would be a nice change of pace for him to be honest for once. I'll be hurt either way but the blatant lying is ridiculous. Honesty I can at least respect even if it's down the line. Then I left.
Rain (moi): 40 Ex Fiance: 39 3 kids On/off again EA & PA Last BD by ow 12/15 Moved kids and myself back into our own place: 12/15
I'm so upset and I don't even know why. It shouldn't be a shock to my system and yet it is. I just want to shake him awake. He is SUCH a liar!
I am sorry Rain. You have been through so much and don't deserve more. I would go home and work on your GAL and detaching from him. Then, go dark. Just comletely out of the picture. He is cake eating for sure and you don't deserve to be put in that situation. None of us do! Do not put up with it. I would still do what I said in my last post about telling him how to get help, then I would just step out of the picture. And, I DON'T CARE WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE, HE IS NOT WORTH AN STD!!!!! Condoms are better than nothing, but they are not 100% effective. Stop sleeping with him. He needs to step up and show you that he deserves you and right now he doesn't! Just get dressed, hold your head up and leave. You will be okay. You really will. If you want to cry and talk all night, I am here for you. I won't go anywhere. You can do this. Just take a deep breath and start walking.....
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
He swore up and down that he has been faithful and he has "no idea where the condoms went babe".
OMG, he did not say that! Does he think ANYONE is that big of a moron that they would believe that? Holy cow, when you're caught either lie better than that or come clean. I hate cake eaters! I have decided that must have been what my H was doing when we "got back together."
Originally Posted By: Rain75
I told him it would be a nice change of pace for him to be honest for once. I'll be hurt either way but the blatant lying is ridiculous. Honesty I can at least respect even if it's down the line. Then I left
I'm so proud of you for getting out of there. I know that you WANT him, but you don't NEED him and he certainly doesn't deserve you. If he want's to have a chance with you, he needs to fix himself first.
How are you doing?????
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
MB, thanks for checking on me. And yes, I agree, when you're caught come clean or lie better. LOL seriously though, he should have just come clean. Ugh and the texts and voicemails he has sent since are ridiculous.
And I'm not really sure why, but I am doing better than I thought I would be doing. Maybe it's numbness or a realization that this is just how it is. He is just who he is. That perhaps the man I was with all of those years was the imposter.
I'm gonna snuggle with the kids. My little girl isnt feeling well.
It really does sound like XF has an addiction. He probably IS being truthful about loving you and wanting to be with you, but unless he addresses his underlying problems, he is never going to be able to be the man you need and deserve, and is just going to continue to take you down this emotional rollercoaster.
Stepping back from him and letting him miss you is probably going to be your best idea at this point. He needs some motivation to clean up his act, and it's only going to come by being made to face the consequences of his behavior. Like MB already pointed out, validation and compassion are very, very important... If you still want him, you need to leave a path for him to come home, and not make him feel like he is a horrible person beyond redemption for the things he's done. You can still be compassionate and yet refuse to participate in his crazy.
Are you ok? Is there anything we can do to support you?
Thanks so much. I left and he just keeps denying it. He left me a VM saying that its clear that I wont change because I counted the condoms and that I am wrong for that. That he saw spending money on the cam girls meant he left me and the kids without and he feels like sh!t over it and has tried to. Start making that up to me. That me counting the condoms and looking at his phone (in the past) is crazy and he doesn't need a mother. If I want to be his partner then that is what he wants but not his mother.
Then texts saying he has been faithful. "I love you and hope you believe what I am saying to you"...."please unblock me from calling you I shouldn't have to talk to your VM" "I swear that I have not cheated on you. Have a good day love"
So yeah, I need AWAY from him and his crazy. Seriously. He thinks by avoiding and his weak "no idea were the condoms went babe" he will be okay.
Unfortunately his mother took a turn for the worse and she may not have long. So he left me a VM not 5 minutes ago saying we have to make a trip home to see her. So that she can see the kids before anything happens.
I'm devastated about his mom and I will call him about it later. But as I told MB. For some reason I am okay. I'm not crying, I don't have that punched in the gut feeling I did early this morning when I realized what he had done.
Maybe it will hit me later. Maybe not.
Thanks to all of you. Without this board and you guys I am not sure where I would be. I've messed up a lot. Like so badly but knowing I have you guys to vent to and lean on makes it better.
You all are my lifeline to sanity.
And I'm not sure what I need. Just what I don't need. More lies.
The most I can do (which is a huge 180 for me) is what I have done since I spoke to him before I left. Not berate him for it. Just told him it would be nice to have the truth for once. And not contact him at all unless its important. Like his mom.
And when I call about her I will be getting off as soon as I have the information. And if he brings this up I will just say that I don't want to talk about it. Because really, what's the use in talking when he will lie and deflect? None as far as I can see.
Rain, Google the poem After a While by Veronica A Shoffstall and read it. It's a beautiful poem and really makes you think about things. It's perfect for every LBS on this forum. I think I will read it every day until I can believe in it myself.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
